This is not going to be a constructive diary.
Let's get that on the table right away.
I'm not trying to fix the infighting, this isn't an important call for action, there's nothing "BREAKING!" in this diary.
I'm just in a silly mood and feel like making sweeping generalizations to mock the perceived factions of liberals. So read it, enjoy it for what it is or hurt me with words.
I was just really, really bored.
For each situation, choose the answer that best describes your reaction or opinion:
1) President Obama has just given a speech about immigration reform, vowing an overhaul and easier pathways for illegal immigrants to become citizens.
a) President Obama will twist arms and insist on the single greatest piece of Immigration reform ever seen in the history of everything. He's the best President ever.
b) President Obama will immediately take the most progressive position off the table, cater to Republicans and support a weak-kneed piece of legislation. He will lose in 2012.
c) "Illegal" immigrants? That's offensive! No human is illegal! You're mean.
d) What's he doing about the environment? We're all going to die.
2) President Obama is having an open forum for questions regarding the healthcare bill, plus future plans for continued reform.
a) The healthcare bill has fixed the system and all we need to do is a couple of tweaks before we never get sick again.
b) The healthcare bill further destroys a broken system and everyone is going to die of ingrown toenails because of it.
c) Does the bill cover puppies? Does it cover puppies???
d) What about the healthcare... of the environment?? See what I did there? Seriously, what's going on with the trees?
3) President Obama has announced overall troop reductions, but cautions that we may need to increase troops in Afghanistan for a time.
a) Obama is a military genius that makes Alexander the Great and Genghis Khan look like a monkey playing Risk.
b) Obama is continuing Bush's military follies and will lead us into a war so horrific we'll have to skip a few wars and go straight to World War Seven.
c) War hurts people! War is always bad! MEANIE!
d) What about the War against Nature? Are we ever going to stop that one?
4) President Obama holds a $250 per plate dinner, and during the meal gives a speech about repealing DADT. You are:
a) Hastily slipping the plate into your backpack so you can dream about that one time you had dinner with Obama while you gaze into his eyes. His beautiful, beautiful eyes.
b) Interrupting the meal by screaming "REPEAL DON'T ASK DON'T TELL!" and then blogging about how Obama's a fascist for having you removed after you peed on Joe Biden's chicken breast.
c) Are in the bathroom, retching and sobbing about how they butchered a helpless chicken to provide you with a meal.
d) Blogging about how you can't believe that at the "Conversations about Don't Ask, Don't Tell" dinner, they didn't ONCE mention the environment.
5) President Obama gives a speech about strengthening environmental protection laws.
a) Obama loves the environment and will retroactively resurrect every extinct species ever, except the dodo bird, because fuck the dodo bird.
b) Obama will sell out the environment to Big Oil and cut down every tree in the world, killing all species of animals ever. Just like the fucking dodo bird.
c) Stop picking on the dodo bird.
d) FINALLY! Now maybe we can save that fucking dodo bird!
IF YOU ANSWERED MOSTLY A'S:
Congratulations, you are an OBAMA-BOT liberal!
Why you think you're a good liberal:
President Obama is our president, and he's a far better president than McCain would have been. In addition, he is steadily making progress on his campaign promises, and needs our support so he can move progressive legislation forward. While he's not perfect, you feel that criticism is not helpful.
Why other liberals hate you:
Obama could publicly order the execution of 101 dalmatians just because he wants a new coat, and you would insist he's doing the best job he can with the Congress he's got, and what with coat prices exploding country-wide, what would you have him do? Obama is not Jesus, calm the fuck down.
IF YOU ANSWERED MOSTLY B's:
Congratulations, you're a BLAME OBAMA FIRST liberal!
Why you think you're a good liberal:
By holding Obama accountable for his actions and what you view to be his lack of fire, you are a part of the political process. You are dedicated to the liberal cause and are not afraid to criticize when you feel it is warranted. You remember when Bush was president, and strongly feel that blind devotion will lead to ruin.
Why other liberals hate you:
Doom and gloom gets pretty old pretty fucking quick. There's nothing wrong with criticism but constant proclamations of the End of Days and the coming of the Old Ones doesn't solve anything. The arrival of Cthulhu is not nigh, calm the fuck down.
IF YOU ANSWERED MOSTLY C's:
Congratulations, you're a BLEEDING HEART liberal!
Why you think you're a good liberal:
Dog whistle racism / sexism / homophobia / every other type of discrimination is still a very real problem, and if we don't confront it when we see it, such bigotries will never go away. You despise discrimination and stand strongly against it in all instances.
Why other liberals hate you:
You'd be hard pressed to find a true liberal who will give a hearty thumbs-up to racism, sexism, etc., but your propensity to call "manhole covers" "person-hole covers" borders on lunacy. Your belief that "there's no such thing as harmless humor" is probably the main reason you don't get invited to parties, and your rabid frothing at any perceived slight to anyone anywhere is a leading cause of eyerolling-related muscle strains across the internet. Calm the fuck down.
IF YOU ANSWERED MOSTLY D's:
Congratulations, you're a SINGLE ISSUE liberal!
Why you think you're a good liberal:
Whatever your cause may be, you are totally dedicated to it. You feel it is the single most important issue there is, and work hard to bring attention to it in any and all cases. You know there are a lot of issues that need attention, but you firmly believe yours should be a priority, and will logically and firmly defend that belief.
Why other liberals hate you:
Yes, your issue is important. We understand that. So are a host of other issues, and focusing on some of those for awhile will not bring a plague of locusts sweeping across the lands. Calm the fuck down.
IF YOU ANSWERED MORE THAN TWO DIFFERENT LETTERS:
Congratulations, you're a FLIP FLOPPER liberal!
Why you think you're a good liberal:
You have the ability to see multiple shades of gray in a variety of situations, and blind, slavish devotion to one viewpoint means there's no room to learn and grow. You believe the ability to change your mind shows character because you can admit when you are wrong.
Why other liberals hate you:
PICK A FUCKING SIDE ALREADY. If your agreement with a position changes every time a CNN poll pops up, then you are weak-willed, clearly not capable of forming valid opinions, and should never vote again.