Huge Huge Snark Alert here folks, for the 'Snarkily Challenged.' If you are not ready for a few laughs, then I suggest that you immediately leave this diary. I'm certain there are more than enough 'rage machine' diaries on today's menu...so instead of coming in and 'pissing on my parade,'...please feel free to vacate the premises.
If you choose 'piss and moan' or to be hyper-critical, I will immediately send you to the Wahhhhhhhhhhhh Wagon, where you will be picked up by the 'Humor Men in White Coats' who will stick an ice cream cone in your mouth and read the following to you, on your way to the Rage Hospital of your choice.
The root form of humor is umar in Latin. It means to be fluid and flexible like water and that is what humor is about. It's staying flexible so you don't get broken by the difficulties you confront. Being flexible enables your creative mind to stay open so that you can still come up with solutions even in painful situations.
In my 'other life' that I do not often talk about on Kos, I am an artist...I performed as a jazz vocalist, for many years and in the past 10 years, I've become a writer. I write fiction, (Novellas, short stories and screenplays). In other words: I make 'shit up' out of my head, and I love, love, love it. Soooooooo...
I realized today, and even in the past few months that I'm losing my sense of humor, which I always felt was the 'see-saw' of my own personal grounding here in 'Earth School.' I knew I was on dangerous ground, when I read the following headline today:
Casey: U.S. Could be at War Another Decade
http://www.cbsnews.com/...
I immediately started adding up the 'cost' of human life and suffering, that may end up making the Vietnam War look like a walk in the park. Why would such a horrifying statement by Casey be given out to the entire world, and I wondered where the fuck our President was, when such a statement was allowed to be released to our nation. These kinds of 'statements' are not just 'pulled' out of the ass of someone like Casey. These kinds of 'statements' must actually be 'cleared' by our President and by the State Department.
I found myself sliding into yet another rage, and then I stopped myself, and tried to remember, again: We as a nation are in a state of what is known as 'deep capture,' the ultimate Shock Syndrome and while the Robber Barons are back with a vengeance and we forgot, how we built our party, we got where we got, and what it took to finally earn a decent wage. I wrote a long history of our party, here:
http://www.dailykos.com/...
As the UK and the rest of Europe are drawing the line in the sand for the 'Wall Street Robber Barons and Bankers,' America is still allowing them to drive us over the cliff:
Right now Wall Street is making a big push to roll-out new derivatives on movie box-office receipts, allowing the financial world to place raw bets on how much money a movie is going to make. It sounds crazy and destructive, and it is. Germany is leading the way on derivatives reform by simply banning this kind of naked gambling outright. The U.S. effort is critically important, but much more modest. Instead of banning the casino, reformers in Congress are hoping to shrink it by ending the taxpayer subsidies that fuel it.
But ending subsidies is still not as strong as banning gambling, which Germany is doing. The entire European Union is currently making a move to follow Germany’s lead. Businesses can’t exit U.S. markets to skirt regulations if their Wild West trading schemes are outlawed everywhere else. In the U.K., officials are poised to impose a hefty tax on all financial assets, preventing banks from ballooning their balance sheets with derivatives trades. That means, U.S. banks can’t send their derivatives operations to the U.K. without paying a big price.
http://blogs.alternet.org/...
But then I kind of shook my head back and forth in disgust, and just gave up, because I thought to myself:
How in the hell did people during the Great Depression get by? I remember my dad telling me how they did it:
With humor, with music, with next to nothing, and of course, with the late great FDR, from which we are unlikely to see his kind again.
So...these are the "Headlines We May Never See' (but I would love to see). There are asterisks next to the ones that are 'real' Got that? READ IT AGAIN, OK? but otherwise, I've had a great deal of fun, not only creating my own "Headlines' I want to see, but even starting the articles.
So kick back and have some fun for a change. Start your own, and remember, the day we forget how to laugh, is the day that we forget who we are. I always felt that every single human emotion was valid and needed, and that 'Laughter was just the other side of the coin, of Sadness or even Depression. In the end is all about balance to me, and lord knows we are living in a time, when we have lost all sense of perspective or balance. Not just because we are overwhelmed, we are. But because, in times like these we need to 'step away from the fire' and laugh to regain our perspective.
This diary is not about critiquing or fault..It is about having some fun...ok? Got that? Good, then we are on the same page. If you somehow, cannot help yourself, that means this: You are in danger of losing your own perspective and sense of humor:
GET A GRIP!!!!!!
Here are my 'Fake Headlines'...(some real)...What are yours?
'House Republican Leader, John Boehner Successfully Does an Intervention for Lindsay Lohan'
The National Esquire reports today that a tearful John Boehner has convinced Lindsay Lohan into checking into the now famous "Orange Tanning Rehab Facility' in Aiken, South Carolina. Aiken is home to the Pork Capitol of the USA, where most residents proudly wear the home town bumper sticker on their cars of two pigs (doing the nasty,) that says: Making Bacon in Aiken. Lindsay was quoted that she does not 'do pork,' and would only agree to enter the facility if she could carry in her 50 cartons of Newport cigarettes and her supply of 'prescription drugs.' Negotiations continue....
Next Headline:
'President Barack Obama fires Rahm Emmanual, David Axelrod, Timothy Geithner, Larry Summers and General Casey, and Promises His Base to Re-Embrace His Original Progressive Roots'
The National Esquire reports a stunning development at the White House today. After the Republicans took 'major control' in the Senate and House, in an unprecedented move, President Obama has demanded the resignations of many of his top advisers. President Obama was quoted as saying:
"What did they think I was playing? Checkers? I told them I got it covered...I guess they all thought, that I just forgot from where I came from." Rumors persist that Geithner and Summers have already accepted jobs with Goldman Sachs, and that General Casey has been offered the top spot at Halliburton and Black Water. Rahm Emmanual has announced his intention to run for King Mayor of Chicago, and David Axelrod has signed up, with James Carville and Mary Matalin as a Consultant on CNN. Television Host, Ed Schultz is in talks with Obama as the New Chief of Staff, and Joseph Stigliz will be named as the new Treasurer, with Simon Johnson replacing Larry Summers as the Economic Adviser. Janeane Garofalo has accepted the now vacated position of White House Press Secretary. Chairman of the Federal Reserve, Ben Bernanke along with Goldman Sachs and Jamie Dimon of JP Morgan will continue to manipulate the stock markets and control the entire world at large.
Next Headline:
The National Esquire has reported today that DailyKos, Markos Moulitsas and MSNBC host Joe Scarborough has resulted in Moulitsa's temporarily being banned from the network.*
The trouble started on May 29, when Moulitsas, who runs the Daily Kos blog, took offense at a series of tweets from Scarborough, who co-hosts "Morning Joe," about the news that the White House had offered a job to Congressman Joe Sestak in an attempt to dissuade him from running for Senate. Scarborough wrote that:
The Sestak story is as unbelievable a cover story as Nixon throwing little Checkers under the bus. A farce on it's face. Luckily for the White House, the media has been negligent on this story since Day 1. The press will let this laughable story slide.
Next Headline:
The National Esquire reports that Mel Gibson and Sarah Palin Have Eloped to Rome, Where the Pope Annulled Their Marriages, as Mel Has Given Half of His Fortune to the Catholic Church and Half to Sarah Palin's Bid the Presidency in 2012
Sarah was quoted as saying: "Mel understands me better than anyone. He is really my kind of man...a manly man, a real live, manly manly "Wolfy kind of guy" kinda of ya know.. all around fun guy... and we are expecting our first child in 3 months. Yes, I know this may be a shock to my followers, but he is so deeply passionate about the same issues I am, and well.... gosh darn it...what I'm all about. We even read the same books, amazing...yeah? We are madly in love, and have been for the past 6 years. We met on a firing range in Alaska, and it was love at first sight." Mel Gibson was unavailable for comment, as he was teaching a class on Anger Management to a group of Tibetan Monks in an undisclosed location, which is a part of his 'Community Service' agreement with the LAPD.
Next Headline:
Presenting The Wall Of Worry: The 50 Ugliest Facts About The US eCONomy*
As we close on another week replete with ugly economic data and the usual bizarro counter intuitive market, here is a summary of the 50 most under reported facts about the state of the US economy, courtesy of the Coto report. After reading these it almost makes sense that the market has become completely desensitized to the sad reality now pervasive in this country. Readers are encouraged to add their own observations to this list. Surely if the list is doubled, the market will go up to 72,000 instead of just 36,000.
#50) In 2010 the U.S. government is projected to issue almost as much new debt as the rest of the governments of the world combined.
#49) It is being projected that the U.S. government will have a budget deficit of approximately 1.6 trillion dollars in 2010.
#48) If you went out and spent one dollar every single second, it would take you more than 31,000 years to spend a trillion dollars.
#47) In fact, if you spent one million dollars every single day since the birth of Christ, you still would not have spent one trillion dollars by now.
#46) Total U.S. government debt is now up to 90 percent of gross domestic product.
#45) Total credit market debt in the United States, including government, corporate and personal debt, has reached 360 percent of GDP.
#44) U.S. corporate income tax receipts were down 55% (to $138 billion) for the year ending September 30th, 2009.
Next Headline:
Robert Woodward Stuns America with his New Book: 'How 5 Members of the Supreme Court Were Bribed To Illegally Put Bush Into Office' Nancy Pelosi, Puts 'Impeachment Back on the Table'
The National Esquire reports today, what Progressive Democrats are calling everywhere, 'a redemption of the shitty little sold our soul of Robert Woodward.' All the world is abuzz with the new 'deep throat' rendition, of what really happened during the election of 2000, in which the Supreme Court, stopped the voting process for the first time in our nation's history, and officially named George W. Bush as President of the United States. Woodward, has the 'sting' on tape, that shows how 5 members of the Supreme Court were 'bought off' with the now famous 'missing 9 billion dollars that was lost in Iraq,' that until now, was unaccounted for. Nancy Pelosi is in a state of shock. Her Press Secretary says she is completely 'verklempt.' Her first reaction, was reported as saying, (off the record), 'Well, shit who in the hell is in charge of Impeaching the Supreme Court? I gotta get my hair and nails done, and I'm due for Botox this morning. Somebody get Eric Holder on the phone for me, maybe he knows what the fuck we're supposed to do now.'
Next Headline:
Pee Wee Herman and Staff of His Old Show, Over Turn DADT
The National Esquire has reported that after 3 days of Pee Wee Herman (Paul Reubens) and his former show hosts all chained themselves to the White House Fence, screaming, 'I Know You Are But, What Am I...Ha Ha' the top Generals and the White House has finally overturned DADT....the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell,' in the United States Military. It was an amazing event, that shocked the world, as Miss Yvonne, Mailman Mike, Cowboy Curtis, Jambi the Genie, Pterri, Conky, and Chairry continued the vigil until our stubborn, out of touch government relented. Pee Wee and Staff, kept repeating over and over again, 'They Let Them In Europe, What's the Matter With Us? And again, over and over "I Know You Are But What Am I?" Rosie O'Donnell, Ellen DeGeneres, Oprah Winfrey, Whoopi Goldberg, Andrew Sullivan and in an amazing turnaround...at the last moment, former Senator 'Larry Craig' showed up for the event. Oprah, was crying openly, as she welcomed Larry Craig into her arms, and said: 'Thank you Larry, thanks for your 'wide stance in this nation' that has led us to Keep Our Eyes on the Prize' Craig was overwhelmed with a 10 minute ovation, as was Pee Wee and the Crowd. Rosie O'Donnell stood forward in the last minutes: She said:
"I never thought this day would come, and I never expected that someone, a fellow actor, would lead us here, but all I can say is with all the tears, and fears, we have faced, until now, that there is a new hope in our nation, and for that, I am deeply humbled by the actions of Pee Wee and his Staff. God Bless our nation, and God bless former Senator Craig for showing up." Oprah ordered Shrimp cocktails for everyone, from the Gulf and 500 cases of Dom Perignon. She was not available for comment.
Next Headline:
Day 25 In The Amazing National Strike: November 1st, 2010, After President Obama Announces Deep Cuts in Social Security and Medicare
The National Esquire continues it series of reports, that have led our nation to a full halt. It seems that the 'tea baggers and the progressives of our nation have resolved their differences, and have reached an agreement.' With over 50,000 truckers refusing to move goods and services in our nation, the refusal of the Unions nationwide including the Airlines, the Teachers Unions, the Police and Firemen, on all local and national levels, there is a growing movement that is making Americans finally, realize that the two party system has crashed and burned.
Tammy Tirebittar from Devil's Lake, North Dakota, said it all on the CNN. 'Well, hell, I can't see hating our President cause he's black and all, but that's what they want us to believe, and I ain't buying that crap anymore.I got 6 children do to feed, and my job got done sold under me from the chicken farm, to the Chinese.How the hell am I supposed to get by? My sister is law, is one of them, you know, progressive Democrats, and she done set me straight, and you know, its' not like I'm giving up my gun or nothing, but I sure as hell know when I've been screwed to the wall by our government. I mean, my cousin, Darleen, she had her husband camed home from Afganistan, with no feet and all, and they don't give her no help at all, and so I'm just all done pretending that its all right, cause these politicians, just keep saying the same things, but nothing ever changes...ever notice that? I mean they got the best deal, the best of everything, and here we are starving, and they don't get it. This National Strike? Look at them all squirming not knowing what to do. Well I say..good, it's about time, they felt the same way we do. I may not be no progressive Democrat, but I sure as hell know when I've been had, and I've had enough.
No more headlines people...create your own now...
I leave you now with a song that was popular during the 'last' Great Depression.
Pennies From Heaven
A long time ago
A million years BC
The best things in life
Were absolutely free.
But no one appreciated
A sky that was always blue.
And no one congratulated
A moon that was always new.
So it was planned that they would vanish now and them
And you must pay before you get them back again.
That's what storms were made for
And you shouldn't be afraid for
Every time it rains it rains
Pennies from heaven.
Don't you know each cloud contains
Pennies from heaven.
You'll find yor fortune falling
All over town.
Be sure that your umbrella is upside down.
Trade them for a package of sunshine and flowers.
If you want the things you love
You must have showers.
So when you hear it thunder
Don't run under a tree.
There'll be pennies from heaven for you and me.
Don't forget how to laugh, don't forget what is important..the simple things that we can forget.
Bless you all, have fun, let's not forget how to make fun of ourselves, because if we do, then 'they will win' ......
The people that were our parents, and our great grandparents, found ways to laugh..and get through the worst of times.....
That is the point of this diary..
Thanks as always friends...
Have fun making up your own headlines...I know I did.