Last night, Jon Stewart put it better than most in the media could in explaining just what the Tea Party is. They are just conservative Republicans. We know that, and yet the media by and large seems to ignore this fact. Jon uses their own words to expose this.
All right, well then it's pretty clear. The movement's roots are fiscal responsibility. That's why Tea Partiers buy their tri-cornered hats in bulk.
It's about savings.
REP. MIKE PENCE, R-IN (9/20/2010): They're tired of the deficits and the bailouts and the takeovers. But they also, in my experience, embrace the broad mainstream values of the American people: a commitment to the sanctity of life, the sanctity of marriage.
Oh, so they're fiscal conservatives that are pro-life and anti-gay marriage. So they're basically... conservative Republicans.
Video (ah, when they post it) and transcript, along with how Stephen Colbert proposes to show Christine O'Donnell isn't a witch, below the fold.
Ah, they finally put the video up. :-)
Meanwhile, if you've got a Google News alert programmed to Republican Party, witchcraft, and anti-masturbation, you're probably sick of hearing about how Tea Party favorite Christine O'Donnell clinched the Republican nomination for Senator from Delaware. Man, she's like an East Coast Sarah Palin, or like a less slutty Rachael Ray, or like a non-masturbating version of former Delaware Senator Joe Biden. That's right, Biden. I just said you "ride the Amtrak", if you know what I mean. I don't know what that means.
Anyway, O'Donnell's victory has released hell!
SAVANNAH GUTHRIE (9/16/2010): Are Republicans having a battle for the soul of the party?
CANDY CROWLEY (9/13/2010): ... the battle for the soul of the GOP ...
FOX BUSINESS CHANNEL MAN (8/26/2010): ... sort of the battle for the soul of the Republican Party ...
A battle for the soul! Too bad we can't solve it the old-fashioned way: fiddle-off! You know John Boehner already beat the Devil in one of those years ago. That's how he earned his solid gold tan.
So how's the battle for the soul of the Republican Party faring? Well, let's check in with the soul himself, Karl Rove. Where does he stand on Christine O'Donnell?
KARL ROVE (9/14/2010): I've met her. I've gotta tell you, I wasn't frankly impressed as a... you know, her abilities as a candidate. ... How does she make her living? Why did she mislead voters about her college education? ... There's just a lot of nutty things she's been saying that just don't add up.
What?! Karl Rove wants Christine O'Donnell to answer questions about her history because it doesn't add up? Talk about the pot calling the kettle black! It's Karl Rove, the brain, the architect, the Frank Lloyd Wright-wing of the Republican Party. I'm sorry, O'Donnell, let's watch the rest of the party fall into line.
9/15/2010:
SARAH PALIN: Well, it wouldn't be prudent of me either to get into a tussle with Karl Rove, as you say, but what the heck, let's go ahead and do it.
MICHELLE MALKIN: Karl Rove's vicious and really incivil response last night, completely tone deaf.
GRETCHEN CARLSON: I think it's so quick to pass judgment to say she can't win the race.
Oh shit, Karl! Are you gonna let the pretty girls in high school tell you you can't sit at their table? This is your cafeteria, Karl! Set it straight!
KARL ROVE (9/16/2010): I'm a huge Tea Party fan. ... This has given us energy, it's given us enthusiasm, and in many instances it's given us highly qualified candidates. ... She's got a shot to win. ... Look, I endorsed her the other night. I said, I'm for the Republican in each and every case, I mean, I was one of the first to do it. And look, I'm also helping her.
(in nerd voice) Huh huh, OK girls? Anyway, if you need anything, I'll just be over here in the corner doing your homework. Oh look, mom packed me two chocolate milks and some extra Lunchables! Anybody want some?
There isn't a battle for the soul of the Republican Party. It is the Tea Party Express. They've won! Now the battle is how many Republicans think they can cram themselves onto their train. The question now is, what's the soul of the Tea Party?
REP. AARON SCHOCK, R-IL (9/15/2010): In the district where I come from, when I've met with the Tea Party groups in my district, the one thing nationwide that they talk about is fiscal responsibility, spending, the concern for the deficit.
All right, well then it's pretty clear. The movement's roots are fiscal responsibility. That's why Tea Partiers buy their tri-cornered hats in bulk.
It's about savings.
REP. MIKE PENCE, R-IN (9/20/2010): They're tired of the deficits and the bailouts and the takeovers. But they also, in my experience, embrace the broad mainstream values of the American people: a commitment to the sanctity of life, the sanctity of marriage.
Oh, so they're fiscal conservatives that are pro-life and anti-gay marriage. So they're basically... conservative Republicans. Oh wait, so how is this group in any way different from the Republican Party platform we've heard about for the last 30 years?
SARAH PALIN (9/17/2010): We won't wait for that political playbook to be handed us from on high.
CHRISTINE O'DONNELL (9/14/2010): This is about changing the system, changing the political system.
SARAH PALIN (9/17/2010): This is it, GOP. This is our time!
Ohhhhh. These people... are actually going to do that shit.
After that, Stephen Colbert chimed in with his own thoughts on how to show Christine O'Donnell is or isn't a witch anymore.
Nation, I have been a diehard supporter of Delaware Republican Senate nominee Christine O'Donnell ever since I learned of her existence last week. She is a dynamic conservative Christian who believes masturbation is adultery. And fellas, she's single! And, will condemn you for masturbating. The total package! Of course, liberals like Bill Maher are unfairly smearing her with words she said. He played this clip on his show Friday.
CHRISTINE O'DONNELL (10/29/1999): I dabbled into witchcraft, I hung around people who were doing these things. ... One of my first dates with a witch was on a Satanic altar, and I didn't know it. I mean, there's a little blood there...
Of course there was a little blood there. Satan is such a messy eater.
I say, take all the babies you want, Mister, but eat all the babies you take. Of course, their second date was at the Olive Garden. What evil sorcery made their breadsticks endless? Try the baby primavera. (audience groans)
And O'Donnell's friends are defending her flirtation with the Dark Arts, as Michelle Malkin wrote on her blog:
So, she tried it. She rejected it. And she learned from it... she has nothing to be ashamed of.
Exactly. Who in their youth wasn't a little, you know, Beelzebu-curious? I can't count the number of times I summoned the goat-headed Baphomet to take math tests for me. But eventually, I stopped. Because hey, he may be the father of darkness, but like most dads, he can't help with anything higher than algebra.
OK? So she was a witch. Big whoop-de-do. It's not like she attended an Indonesian school when she was 9. Jimmy, can't we do any better than that?
Hello!
But folks, in a close election, O'Donnell's past could come back to haunt her. Now luckily, I have a way to stop this witchhunt. Ms. O'Donnell, come on my show, and we'll do a simple test: bind your arms and legs and throw you in the river. If you sink to the bottom and drown, your bloated corpse can march to victory with a clean record. But, if you float...
PEASANT: A WITCH!!!!
It's better treatment than you'll get on Bill Maher.
The Daily Show then had a segment which may upset the union folks here, as they looked into how the UFCW in Nevada was hiring NON-union temps to picket Wal-Mart. Jon then interviewed Jimmy Carter, where the former President compared his outsider candidacy at a time of great unrest to the current Tea Party... except Carter noted, he's never been involved in witchcraft. And then Carter brought the house down when he admitted that as a young man, he didn't exactly subscribe to O'Donnell's anti-masturbation policy. :-O
Stephen also covered the disturbing story of how the editor of a Maine newspaper had to apologize after angry fucktards complained that he had a cover story on the end of Ramadan on 9/11, and that simply covering Ramadan on the front page on 9/11 was "offensive". Oy. He then also scolded the media for misinterpreting his march to Keep Fear Alive.