From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE
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Hello, friends!
Say, are you feeling nostalgic for that wild and wacky year 1994? Stephen Breyer was confirmed to the Supreme Court...Dallas won the Super Bowl...the White House published a single web page...Richard Nixon shuffled off his mortal coil...Forrest Gump feasted on his box of chocolates...and Republicans in Congress signed their awesome Contract On America!
What memories. Seems like it was just...um...16 years ago.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, we can't bring Ol' Tricky Dick back, but we can do the next best thing! Today the GOP boyz in the Hizzouse are gettin' back together, baby! Put yer hands together for the Not New...Hardly Improved...Totally Recycled....REPUBLICAN CONTRACT ON AMERICA REUNION TOUR!!!
[Raaaahhhhh!!!]
Oh yeeeah, baby... [Oooh chocka wocka boing boing chocka chocka] ...they're movin', they're groovin', they're schmoozin', they're shakin' and seducin' America all over again with their sexy, sultry Greatest Hits. Like...
> I've Got A Lovely Bunch of Tax Cuts for the Rich
> Go Away Little Gays
> Springtime for Limbaugh
> Stop! In the Name of My Cherry-picked Conservative Christian Morality!
> New Pork, New Pork!
> I Will Always Snub You
> Boehner's Got A Brand New Golf Bag
> You Really Bought Me
> R-E-J-E-C-T
> I'm Dreaming of a White Caucus
> You're Havin' Your Baby (Even if the Daddy's Your Papa)
> The No No Song
> A House With No Shame
> (Boom Boom!) Out Go the Lights
> Sweet Schemes Are made of Sleaze
And more! All lovingly remastered by some of America's top corporate lobbyists and backroom kingmakers...and endorsed by K Street, C Street and Wall Street!
Just look at the reviews from the GOP Fan Club:
"It is dreck."
"This document proves the GOP is more focused on the acquisition of power than the advocacy of long term sound public policy."
It's a winner!
The 2010 Recycled 1994 Contract On America is not available in stores. You'll only find it on sparsely-visited conservative web sites, awkward Capitol Hill press conferences and on Fox News 24/7.
Don't miss it! Because when November 3rd rolls around, it'll disappear faster than it takes a primary-winning teabagger to sanitize her campaign site of endorsements by her crazy followers!
Get it NOW!!!
I will! I will!
Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, September 23, 2010
Note: Today's C&J is available as an audio recording on six deluxe long-play LPs from TIME-LIFE. Send no money now---you'll be billed in two six forty easy installments of just $19.95. Keep those you want, and return the rest for a full refund in magic beans.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the midterm elections: 40
Days `til the One Nation Working Together rally in D.C.: 12
Percent of funding for Karl Rove's "American Crossroads" attack PAC that comes from billionaires: 91
(Source: FEC data via Think Progress)
Number of companies worldwide that went public so far this year and raised at least $100 million each: 233
Percent chance that if that pace continues, 2010 IPOs will outnumber 2008 and 2009's combined: 100%
(Source: The Week)
Percent of consumers using credit cards in 2007: 87%
Percent of consumers using credit cards in 2009: 56%
(Source: USA Today)
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
Everybody knows God is nonpartisan, but I swear Jesus was a liberal---the best, the biggest, the original bleeding heart---the one who embraced the outcasts, the model for us all. Just read the stuff in the New Testament written in red. Don’t ever try to convince me that Christianity is right-wing. As for the economic conservatives, who are driving this entire insane detour away from liberty and justice for all. Well, as Wright Patman once observed, "The rich and powerful in our country are very greedy. This has many times been demonstrated. It is natural that they should seek ever more power and wealth, but where there's greed there is no vision. And as the Good Book says, where there is no vision, the people perish."
---From Who Let the Dogs In?
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Saving Nemo (Full story here.)
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CHEERS to Autumn---Day 1. At 3:09 this morning the autumnal equinox shook its booty and stole summer's mojo. The morning air is crisp and dry. The flannel shirt tails are flappin' in the breeze. The leaves are changing (grudgingly this year). And New England takes on an unabashedly old-fashioned feel. Summer may get all the publicity...but fall is the real deal. Tonight: Chowder!
CHEERS to today's edition of Point / Counterpoint. First up: John McCain weighs in on the fact that the Pentagon has resorted to snooping through soldiers' emails to try and root out the gay ones:
"I don't care what you say! And I don’t care what others say. It is not the policy, it is not the policy, it is not the policy. It is not the policy, it is not the policy, it is not the policy. You can say that it is the policy, sir if you choose to. It is not the policy!"
C&J responds:
"I don’t care what you say, either! You're a dick. You're a dick. You're a dick. You're a dick. You're a dick. You're a dick. You're a dick. You're a dick. You can say you're not a dick, sir, if you choose to. But you'll still be a dick."
I'll cede the point to Gramps on account of I really shouldn't use that kind of language in public. But other than that...great substantive debate!
JEERS to digging yourself a nice big 'ol hole. Okay, so let me set this up for those of you who didn’t catch wind of this bit of clumsiness from the (relatively-)new owner of the Portland Press Herald, which is Maine's largest paper. On September 11, they published a large above-the-fold photo and story about local Muslims who gathered on September 10th for the end of Ramadan. The next day, in addition to oodles of 9/11-anniversary coverage, Publisher Richard Connor issued this breathless front-page apology:
We made a news decision on Friday that offended many readers and we sincerely apologize for it. Many saw Saturday's front-page story and photo regarding the local observance of the end of Ramadan as offensive, particularly on the day, September 11, when our nation and the world were paying tribute to those who died in the 9/11 terrorist attacks nine years ago. We have acknowledged that we erred by at least not offering balance to the story and its prominent position on the front page.
But why would he bend over backwards like that to apologize for giving our local Muslim community coverage separate from 9/11 coverage, which they really couldn't report on until the next day's edition, i.e. after all the 9/11 remembrances had taken place? Because he got knuckledraggerswarmed...
Readers began writing to me and to our paper and website en masse, criticizing our decision on coverage and story play of the local observance of the end of Ramadan by local Muslims. ... Again, if you were offended, I apologize.
Then he rightfully got an earful from the other side. Sample:
It never crossed my mind to be offended by that photo. I am so so sorry that you are apologizing for it. I think it is perfectly reasonable for the paper to print a photo about Eid on 9/11. These people and their faith had nothing whatsoever to do with the horrific attack of nine years ago. Our state needs to be more tolerant, not less. Your apology implies that it is in some way OK to connect everyday Muslims and the attackers. I abhor such thinking.
Connor then grabbed his shovel a second time:
I meant to apologize for what we did not print---front-page coverage of 9/11 on the anniversary of a day that stirs deep and unhealed wounds. I was in no way apologizing for what we did print in a deservedly prominent position---a striking photo of our local Muslim community in prayer.
Ain't damage control a kick!
P.S. Not meaning to brag, but I call dibs on "knuckledraggerswarmed". If you're reading this, American Heritage Dictionary editors, it should go in your 2011 edition on page 726 between "Knucklebone" and "knuckledusters." [Tips mortarboard] Happy to help.
CHEERS to great moments in naval warfare. On September 23, 1779---during our War of Independence---Commodore John Paul Jones engaged a British man-of-war in the North Sea. It was during this battle that Jones uttered the immortal words, "I have not yet begun to fight!" Reason: when the British captain yelled "Fight!", he failed to precede it with "Simon says..." (Navy dogs---so persnickety.)
CHEERS to President Multitasker. Jeez...Monday he's talking fluently about the intricacies of the economy, Tuesday he's talking up healthcare reform, and yesterday Barack Obama spoke eloquently on poverty in sixteen languages at the United Nations:
"Let's move beyond the old, narrow debate over how much money we're spending and let's instead focus on results---whether we're actually making improvements in people's lives," said Obama, whose speech was greeted with lengthy applause.
The United States would also reach out to countries making the transition to democracy, and from war to peace, he said, adding that he hoped that would include Sudan. "The purpose of development---and what's needed most right now---is creating the conditions where assistance is no longer needed," said Obama. "So we will seek partners who want to build their own capacity to provide for their people."
The three-day event then adjourned after the delegates adopted a decisive plan to prepare an action agenda for setting guidelines that will govern the establishment of future steps for the creation of a list of things that will seriously be considered next year as they're drawing up the agenda for mapping out the seating arrangements in 2013. No, wait, trust me---that's progress!
P.S. Congratulations to the Danish ambassador's attache, who won the game of Pin the Soul on John Bolton. Enjoy the cookware!
CHEERS to comforting words. Al Franken sent me an email about the GOP Senators' blockade of money for our troops because they hate gay people and want to keep 'Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell' on the books. This is nice:
I've met gay and lesbian servicemembers while visiting troops overseas on USO tours and as a Senator. They have the same pride, courage, and dedication to their jobs as every other American solider, sailor, airman, or Marine. And they shouldn't have to lie about who they are in order to serve. That's why I believe that, this week's setback notwithstanding, this policy will be repealed sooner rather than later. And I believe that those who obstructed progress this week may well wish that they had been on the right side of history.
But this---in tiny type at the bottom of his email---is even better: Paid for and authorized by Al Franken for Senate 2014. Woo hoo! He's running again! (Rematch, Coleman?)
JEERS to the pooch who saved Tricky Dick. On this date in 1952, Ike's veep candidate Richard Nixon delivered a milestone in televised Come-to-Jesuses when he delivered his famous Checkers speech on national TV. Talk about laying it on thick:
I should say this, that Pat doesn't have a mink coat. But she does have a respectable Republican cloth coat, and I always tell her she would look good in anything.
One other thing I probably should tell you, because if I don't they will probably be saying this about me, too. We did get something, a gift, after the election.
A man down in Texas heard Pat on the radio mention the fact that our two youngsters would like to have a dog and, believe it or not, the day before we left on this campaign trip we got a message from Union Station in Baltimore, saying they had a package for us. We went down to get it. You know what it was? It was a little cocker spaniel dog, in a crate that he had sent all the way from Texas---black and white, spotted, and our little girl Tricia, the six year old, named it Checkers.
And you know, the kids, like all kids, loved the dog, and I just want to say this, right now, that regardless of what they say about it, we are going to keep it.
Noting the infraction, the FEC hauled his ass off to jail, where he languished for 40 years. [Poof!] Whoa. I just had the coolest dream.
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Five years ago in C&J: September 23, 2005
CHEERS to media shoutouts. Daily Kos gets a mention as one of the Top 5 blogs in Time magazine this week. So wash behind your ears...we're expecting visitors. [9/23/10 Update: Today Time calls us one of the most---[Sniff!]---overrated blogs, even though we're more popular and incisive than ever. I do love the smell of old-media whiplash in the morning, don’t you?]
JEERS to today's Great Big Pile of Bullshit. Robert Novak on himself: "I do not see myself as a defender of the Bush presidency, and I am sure the White House does not regard me as such." At least that's what I think he said; his voice was muffled because his head was up Karl Rove's tuckus at the time.
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And just one more...
CHEERS to global snarking. Um, folks? May I have your attention, please? If you're still reading this far down, I've got a cool announcement from the literary world. On Tuesday Jon Stewart and Co. released a sequel to their last book, the #1-on-the-bestseller-list-for-a-hundred-weeks tome America (The Book). In the new one they expand their horizons to include the machinations of the entire planet---from religion to entertainment to science and commerce---written in faux-textbook style for any aliens who land here after we're extinct. Here's what they write, for example, on the subject of money in Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race:
You want to know us? Really know us? Then study this page. This is what we fought, killed and died for. Sometimes, we even worked for it. It was money. To the untrained eye it just looks like odd bits of paper and metal, but it made the world go around. We parted it from fools, even though it burned holes in our pockets and couldn’t buy us happiness or love. It was the root of all evil, but we took it and ran: smart, seed, serious, easy, earned, funny, found, front, good after bad, mad, cash, old, new, blood, honest, even, real and hush. We weren't made of it, but we followed it. Why? Because it took money to make money and it sure didn’t grow on trees ... Anyway, you guys can have it if you want.
You may remember that Stewart's previous book got rejected by Wal Mart because it had naked drawings of the Supreme Court justices. This one may suffer the same fate for showing something even more dreadful. This link displays several pages from the book, including (scroll down) the one revealing Larry King's impressive schlong. To quote Yoda: "Haunt my fracking dreams, it will."
Have an autumnal equinoxical Thursday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
The Bill in Portland Maine Museum, honoring the flamboyant entertainer who epitomized bling long before it was a household word, will close next month.
---Tanya Mohn
MSNBC
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