October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I lost a baby five years ago. The same month a friend of mine lost her baby and a student of mine (I teach childbirth and work in a home birth midwifery practice) lost her baby. It was the worst Trifecta of grief I ever hope to experience.
My surprise twin pregnancy (our second set of twins) started going wrong at 28 weeks. I held them in another 3 1/2 weeks, but then the labor would not stop. I am a natural birth kind of gal and had not had any ultrasounds or genetic testing done. That was my choice and I am not sorry I did. Who would have wanted to spend seven months anticipating what happened...not me!
I went to a local hospital and had my twins. The first baby was 2lbs 10oz and she was small but mighty. The second twin was 3 lbs 5 oz but with multiple severe birth defects. We actually had to make the decision to "let her go" and that was awful. We held her as she died in our arms three hours later.
No one knows how to support grief any more. You feel like "I lost a baby" is tattooed on your face, but its not. We don't wear black any more. Everyone moves on WAAAAAAAAY before you have. If it was a miscarriage or first baby, no one remembers you on Mother's Day that year or any other. If it was a later baby or you go on to have another they assume the replacements have made it all better. They are comforting, but they don't make it better. You never forget.
Anniversaries of the birth, funeral and all holidays hurt. The first few years like a true physical pain in your breastbone, later years just an emotional ache you can't predict in its arrival or departure time.
Today I participated in a webinar for the Institute of Holistic Midwifery http://instituteofholisticmidwifery.... talking to midwifery students about how to support a grieving family who has lost a child and how to deal with your own grief when you are the birth professional present when a child is born still. It was hard and I sit hear pretty drained. It dredges up stuff when you tell the story, but I tell it often because I want professionals, friends and family to know what is and is not helpful in these circumstances.
I have been with a number of other families during their loss. It has become a ministry/mission of sorts. I have a few tips to share:
1. Encourage them to let siblings see and hold the baby and say their own goodbyes. We didn't and later reading on children and grief and my own childrens' reactions to not seeing their sibling has shown me this was a mistake.
2. Encourage them to take pictures and any mementos they can (locks of hair, footprints, etc.) You will one day have trouble picturing your baby's face and the 6 lousy NICU polaroids I have are treasured items. I wish I had something better I could frame. There is a national organization called nowIlaymedowntosleep.org that has volunteer professional photographers who will come to your hospital or the funeral home and take high quality family photos (black and white if the baby's condition is a little graphic in full color). I arranged this for a friend a few years after my loss. It meant a lot to them to have a family photo with all their children in it.
3. Check in often for support and just to listen, but don't grill them for details or try to explain away why their baby died. You aren't a medpro so you don't know the clinical and hearing God needed another angel is NOT as comforting as you would think.
4. Remember the anniversaries with a card, email or phone call. Do this for two or three years at least.
5. Parents have the right to grieve any way that serves them. If they skip Mother's Day Brunch or don't send out a family photo that year because they can't bear to see it incomplete, you get to be quiet and deal with it.
6. On October 15th, tonight, and each year at 7pm people around the world light a candle to remember all the babies who are not with us. You can do this for your friend or family member's loss and remember that many people are struggling each day with this pain.