Yesterday, fourthcornerman posted this comment calling for a folksong to be sung at airport gropefests. I submit the following. The tune could be any number of common folk/pop melodies; in my head it's somewhere between "The Ballad of the Green Berets" and "Ghostbusters."
If you want to get home
You gotta pass third base
'Cuz you might have a bomb
In your special place
So assume the position
And we'll cut to the chase
If you want to get home
You gotta pass third base
It's happened before
A guy took some C4
Put a package of doom
In his Fruit of the Looms
Though we lucked out that time
Can't depend on God's grace
If you want to get home
You gotta pass third base
It's a battle that never ends
What's that up your vas deferens
You'd unleash drang and sturm
With those suicide sperm
They're a fifth column ready
To launch into space
If you want to get home
You gotta pass third base
You don't have to fear us
Unless your mons veneris
Hides an AK or maybe a
Grenade stashed in your labia
It's for your own safety
So put down that mace
If you want to get home
You gotta pass third base
If you start to tumesce
We won't ask but we'll guess
A goose between gents
Shouldn't pitch any tents
So think about baseball
Or Sarah Palin's face
If you want to get home
You gotta pass third base
If you want to get home
You gotta pass third base
'Cuz you might have a bomb
In your special place
So assume the position
And we'll cut to the chase
If you want to get home
You gotta pass third base.