From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
This Late Night Snark is Still Too Close to Call:
"Christine O’Donnell, after losing her election in Delaware, said "Our voices were heard." In your head, lady."
---David Letterman
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"Republicans won big on election day. They say their two big priorities are cutting taxes and reducing the debt. Which is sort of like wanting to lose weight and win 'Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest.'"
---Jimmy Kimmel
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"[In] Oklahoma, voters overwhelmingly approved state question 755 [to ban Islamic Sharia law], one of the most important initiatives in their state's history. This is great news. Just because something doesn’t exist doesn’t mean you shouldn’t ban it. That's why I have long fought for ballot measures to ban cat pilots, baby curling, and man-futon marriage."
---Stephen Colbert
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"Former President George W. Bush reveals in his book that he considered dropping Dick Cheney to prove he was in charge. But then Cheney nixed the idea."
---Jimmy Fallon
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"In an interview on Entertainment Tonight, Mary Hart was told by Sarah Palin she may run in 2012 if there was no one to do it. That's not how you run for President. That's how you offer to babysit."
--–Seth Meyers
And one more gem from You-Know-Who for old-times' sake, via Real Time with Bill Maher:
"I don’t celebrate Halloween because of what it means; because it is a satanic holiday, it is a pagan holiday. And while people are going around gettin' free candy, other people are falling victim to human sacrifices. That's the reality of what's going on on Halloween."
---Failed Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell, circa 1999
Oh, we'll miss the ol' gal. Or at least we will until next week when Sean Hannity starts broadcasting from his new set inside her back pocket.
Meanwhile, I was thinking of something we could collectively do to support Keith Olbermann in addition to raising holy hell. Then I went to Amazon.com and noticed that George W. Bush's lame attempt at revisionist history is #1 on their bestseller list. Keith has a new book out, too. It's called Pitchforks and Torches. I'm thinking it might be fun if everyone in the progressive netroots bought a copy and knocked Bush off his perch. Yeah. That might be real enjoyable.
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, November 5, 2010
Note: As you can see, I have shuffled the cards thoroughly, and... [Flip flip flip] ...is this your card? I knew it! Oh, and I hope you don't mind that I charged a new Mercedes on it.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Conan debuts on TBS: 3
Days `til the Kid 'n Ewe Festival in Boerne, Texas: 7
Number of candidates who died during their '10 midterm campaigns...and won: 4
(Source: TPM)
Amount that GlaxoSmithKline agreed to pay to settle complaints that it knowingly sold contaminated and ineffective products: $750 million
(Source: Time)
Rank of the Dallas Cowboys and Denver Broncos among NFL teams with the most 300-pound players: #1 (with 17), #2 (with 15)
(Source: USA Today)
Dates on which Chad and Barbie Soper of Rockland, Michigan, saw the births of their first, second and third kids: 8/8/08, 9/9/09, 10/10/10
(Source: MSNBC)
Estimated number of pundits who sat around CNN's ten-foot-long election desk Tuesday night: 329
And from the Department of Homeland Security:
Days the color-coded federal terror alert system has been in place: 3,153
Days spent at terror alert level Blue or Green: 0
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Nobody could've predicted......
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CHEERS to jobs jobs jobs jobs jobs. Lookie! >>>> Thanks to ten months of job creation---including today's expectations-breaking report---the infamous employment "bikini" now looks like a bikini with an ever-expanding city skyline in the background. Details:
[T]he economy added 151,000 nonfarm jobs in October---not nearly enough to make up for the 8 million lost during the recession, and yet so much better than we saw in the darkest days of the recession.
Not that it's all roses. The unemployment rate stayed stuck at 9.6 percent, which tells you something about how far we've fallen. That number will be very, very tough to move. The so-called shadow unemployment rate...fell a nib to 17 percent---still a teeth-rattling number.
Meanwhile, some job categories are experiencing a surge in demand. Among the top positions: hospice provider, data processing servicer and, as of last Tuesday night, Blue Dog sour-grape stomper.
JEERS to waiting around. Grrrr---another delay. Because of technical problems, the Space Shuttle Discovery won't blast off on its final voyage until November 30th at the earliest. It's mission, should the flight crew choose to accept it in lieu of exploring strange new worlds and seeking out new life and new civilizations:
The STS-133 crew members will take important spare parts to the International Space Station along with the Express Logistics Carrier-4.
They're also eager to git 'er up thar because of a special passenger that'll be on board: a hunky humanoid "robonaut" whose deployment was itself delayed because it ran into serious technical problems of its own. It kept forgetting to put olives in the martinis.
CHEERS to the first skinny, gangly president from Illinois. On November 6, 1860, Abraham Lincoln was elected president. Even back then the party had its flamboyant wing. From Joseph Cummins' book, Anything for a Vote:
The Republicans held massive rallies and marches several miles long, with hordes of Wide Awakes---Republican faithful who would save the Union---marching with torches and likenesses of "Honest Abe." The Wide Awakes wore oilcloth capes and strange black enamel caps to protect themselves from dripping torch oil. In surviving lithographs, they bear a weird resemblance to certain members of the Village People. Boston Republicans organized a rail-splitter's battalion---in homage to Lincoln, every member stood exactly six-feet-four-inches tall. And throughout the campaign, Republican newspapers published countless jokes at [challenger Stephen] Douglas's expense, such as: "Lincoln is like a rail. Douglas is the reverse---rail spelled backwards---liar."
But Republicans got their share of guff, too, as when the New York Herald wrote: "The conduct of the Republican party in this nomination is a remarkable indication of a small intellect growing smaller." The words were wrong as applied to Lincoln...but, as it turns out, spot-on as applied to the party.
P.S. It's also the 122nd anniversary of the day in 1888 when Republican Benjamin Harrison beat Grover Cleveland to become the 23rd president. Funny thing...Cleveland came back four years later and kicked Harrison's ass. What's that thing that's best served cold, again?
P.P.S It's also the 149th anniversary of the day in 1861 when Jefferson Davis was elected to a six-year term as president of the confederacy. The last two-and-a-half were the lame-duckiest in the history of lameduckism.
CHEERS to the heart that just went on and on and on... Eugenie Blanchard of St. Barts, who held the title of World's Oldest Woman, has died at the age of 114. Doctors say she was done in by an acute case of being born in 1896.
SACRE BLEU, BLOKE! to Foxhole 'n Friends. In Ghostbusters Bill Murray warned of "Dogs and cats living together---mass hysteria!" Well, this comes close: the British and French are sharing their military facilities to save some dough:
British Prime Minister David Cameron and French President Nicolas Sarkozy announced the landmark agreement in London on Tuesday. "This is a decision which is unprecedented and it shows a level of trust and confidence between our two nations that is unequalled in history," Sarkozy told reporters [while standing on a chair so he could be seen over the lectern, but don’t print that because he's very sensitive about his height].
Other allies welcomed the deal. The U.S. said compatibility of equipment---such as aircraft carriers---was a key NATO goal.
Not everything will be shared, however. The British will still teach their own troops about manners and the French will still send their troops to their own dentists.
CHEERS to home vegetation. First weekend in November and veg-out season swings into high-gear. On HBO's Real Time, Bill Maher talks to Fareed Zakaria, D.C. mayor Adrian Fenty, and comedians Dana Gould, Rep. Darrel Issa and Bill O'Reilly. The DVD slate has Toy Story 3, the best documentary in the history of the universe, Winnebago Man, and the entire run of The Larry Sanders Show. The Rangers will come from behind to win the World Series! The New England Patriots will put one man on the field...and beat the Browns 33-7. The Simpsons' new "Treehouse of Horror" episode airs Sunday night. President Obama's got some 'splainin' to do on 60 Minutes. And here's your Sunday morning lineup, now with C&J's EXCLUSIVE Hosts & Guests under 50 and over 50 (-50/+50) Index:
Meet the Press: David Gregory (41) talks with New Jersey public works project killer Chris Christie (48) and moderates the roundtable with former Obama Communications Director Anita Dunn (56), George W. Bush crony Karen Hughes (54), National Urban League Prez Marc Morial (52) and Republican strategist Mike Murphy (48). -50/+50 Index: 3:3
This Week: Christiane Amanpour (52) interviews Rand Paul (47), Mike Pence (51), and former Reagan budget director David Stockman (64). Roundtable includes George Will (69), Matt Dowd (49), ABC political director Amy Walter (31), John Podesta (61) and Evan Bayh (55). -50/+50 Index: 3:6
Face the Nation: Mitch McConnell (68) and Bob Schieffer (73) in an epic clash of wattles. Seriously, with McConnell having fucked up the elections so badly (with a generous assist from the tea party, bless their hearts), why is he on and not the champion and still-Senate-Majority-Leader Harry Reid? I'm shocked...shocked!!! -50/+50 Index: 0:2
Washington Week: Gwen Ifill (55) examines the post-election political environment with Time's Michael Duffy (51), Peter Baker of The New York Times (46), The Washington Post's Karen Tumulty (55), and Politico's John Harris (47). -50/+50 Index: 2:3
Fox Bought-And-Paid-For GOP Talking Points Sunday: Chris Wallace (63), Rep. Darrell Issa (57), Rep. Eric Cantor (47), Rep. Paul Ryan (40), Brit Hume (67), Mara Liasson (55), Bill Kristol (58) and Juan Williams (56). So fair! So balanced! -50/+50 Index: 2:6
Grand total = 10 under-fiftysomethings, 20 over-fiftysomethings. So much age...so little wisdom. But happy viewing, anyway!
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Five years ago in C&J: November 5, 2005
CHEERS to the pinnacle of `Truth.' Sources say Al Franken's book The Truth (with jokes) debuts at #1 on The New York Times bestseller list this weekend. Michelle Malkin's new book, Mom! Liberals Are Being Mean to Me!!...doesn't.
JEERS to struttin' on the runway of cluelessness. Yeah...Brownie again. Now we've discovered the disgraced FEMA director's emails that he sent in the aftermath of hurricane Katrina with messages like:
"I'm trapped now, please rescue me."
"If you'll look at my lovely FEMA attire, you'll really vomit. I am a fashion god"
Upon hearing the new revelations, President Bush responded swiftly and decisively by giving him a medal. In this administration, it's the kiss of death.
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And just one more...
CHEERS to an extra hour of sleep. Daylight Saving Time ends Sunday morning at 2am. (Reminder: You must stay up 'til 2am or else it won't work right and we'll all have to do it over again.) It's the usual routine: If you're a Democrat, turn your clocks back one hour. If you're a Republican, turn your clocks back one hour and fifty years.
Have a nice quiiiiiiiet weekend. Maybe take the chitlins for a stroll. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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