From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
A Brief Publisher's Message
Dear Reader,
Tomorrow, November 9, 2010, we are officially releasing former president George W. Bush's new book, Decision Points, and we would like to make the following request:
> Please do not take copies off the shelf, open them to a random page, insert a quantity of spit, nasal discharge or chewing gum, slam them shut and put them back on the shelf.
> Please do not draw horns on Mr. Bush's head---be they a ram's, a goat's or Satan's. Please also no forked tails or thought-bubbles that say "Heckuva Job."
> Please do not throw the book to the ground and stomp on it while yelling, "You suck!"
> Please do not knock over the bookcase on which Decision Points is displayed, as this could result in a domino effect on the other bookcases and cause damage and/or injury to other customers.
> Please do not attempt to move copies of the book from the Non-fiction section of the store to the Humor or Fantasy sections.
> Please do not whip out a Sharpie and add "Awesome book---if properly shredded" to the list of testimonial blurbs on the back cover.
We know you're upset at how badly he screwed you over, but please: let's be civil.
Thank you,
Your Friends at Crown Publishing
P.S. Democrats, this letter applies to you, too.
(Personally, I can’t wait to read about all the sweets and flowers that got stuck in his hair during his victory parade in Iraq. If I remember correctly, it was awesome.)
Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, November 8, 2010
Note: Conan premieres tonight on TBS. I think if you tune in you'll get a free car or something.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Hanukkah, Festivus and Christmas: 23,45,47
Days `til Harry Potter and the Deathly Aqua Buddha: 11
Number of people who voted for Alvin Greene last Tuesday: 358,069
Number of people who voted for Sharron Angle last Tuesday: 320,996
(Source: Gawker)
Amount a Kuwaiti rich person paid to reserve mobile phone number 555-5555: $750,000
Amount paid by some other guy (we're guessing Satan) for the number 666-6666: $2.7 million
(Source: TheAtlantic.com via The Week)
Percent of British men who admit to traveling with a stuffed animal on business trips: 25%
(Source: Travelodge survey via Details)
Rank of Wyoming and West Virginia among states with the highest number of tobacco chewers: #1, #2
(Source: CDC)
Lopsided NFL score of the weekend: Green Bay Packers 45 Dallas Cowboys: 7
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NEW feature! "Meet Me in Minnesota!"
With Netroots Nation '11 only---[Calculates number using brain. Three hours later...]---210 days away, it's time to get to know our host state a little better. Be prepared to be amaaaaazed...
Minnesota's official flag was adopted in 1893. The flag has a blue background. The central seal pictures a farmer plowing a field and an Indian riding a horse toward the sun. The scene is surrounded by ladyslippers, Minnesota's state flower. A red banner with yellow letters has the state motto, "L'ETOILE DU NORD," meaning "the star of the north" in French. Three dates are on the flag: 1858 (at the top), the year Minnesota became a state; 1819 (at the left), the year Fort Snelling was established; and 1893 (at the right), the year this flag was adopted. Nineteen yellow stars surround the seal on a white band; these stars symbolize that fact Minnesota was the 19th state to enter the union after the first 13. "MINNESOTA" is written in red on the white band.
---Enchanted Learning
Holy moley---that's gotta be the busiest flag in the country. And given their recent history, I think they should add one more thing: a group of election poobahs performing a recount.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Gator fail
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CHEERS to dollars and sense. Keith Olbermann is MSNBC's cash cow. MSNBC knows this. Thus it wasn't too hard to predict that he'd be back on the air soon...and so he shall Tuesday night. Meanwhile yesterday afternoon, after a three-day full-court press by fans that included a 200,000-signature petition (I signed mine with a little heart over the i), Keith let out a mighty...tweet:
Greetings From Exile! A quick, overwhelmed, stunned THANK YOU for support that feels like a global hug & obviously left me tweetless XO
Meanwhile, that clacking sound you hear is someone pounding out the mother of all Special Comments. We'll be watching from behind a blast shield.
CHEERS to the Traveler-in-Chief. On Day 3 of his Asian trip, President Obama spoke before the Indian parliament, praising Mahatma Gandhi and promoting trade:
"I am mindful that I might not be standing before you today, as president of the United States, had it not been for Gandhi and the message he shared and inspired with America and the world," the president said. Earlier at a joint news conference with Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh in India's capital, New Delhi, Obama said the relationship between the United States and India is "stronger, deeper and broader" than ever.
Viagra immediately issued a cease-and-desist order against the president for stealing their new slogan. Meanwhile, did you hear his trip is costing American taxpayers $200 bajillion dollars? Yup---it's on the internet. And funny thing: that money will filter down throughout the global economy and cause a springboard effect that will officially end the suffering of millions around the world, plus hand Democrats another term in the White House and huge majorities in Congress two years from now. If Republicans hadn’t brought it up we never would've known about it, so...enjoy the six-pack, Rush!
JEERS to motion-going-through'ing. Ooh ooh pinch me there's an 'election" in Myanmar. Let's see how that's going as we join the vote counting in progress:
"One vote for the military junta. Two votes for the military junta. Okay, that's enough. Burn the ballots---Junta wins! Now let's go back to the palace and snort coke off a hooker's belly!"
I hope they remember the balloon drop.
CHEERS to elections worth celebrating. 78 years ago today, on November 8, 1932, New York Governor Franklin Roosevelt was elected president. A few verbal goodies from FDR...
"A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who, however, has never learned how to walk forward."
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"The only sure bulwark of continuing liberty is a government strong enough to protect the interests of the people, and a people strong enough and well enough informed to maintain its sovereign control over the government."
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"The test of our progress is not whether we add more to the abundance of those who have much it is whether we provide enough for those who have little."
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"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."
[Memo to self: check source on #4. Might be Polk?]
CHEERS to our little corner of the awesomesphere. According to GQ magazine, Portland, Maine is one of the coolest towns in America:
Portland [is] an exemplar of the merits of small cities, or "miniopolises" as they've coined the term. Examples include, "Because you can get from the plane to your rental car to your hotel in minutes;" "You can master the lay of the land in an afternoon;" and "There's not a lot of class difference compared with Boston or New York. There's a landscaper sitting next to a doctor at the bar, and they both wear Dickies and drive the same truck."
(And they're celebrating their first anniversary next week!) Portland has good eats everywhere you turn, more tattoos per square-inch, a MoveOn.org founder lives here, there's a thriving music scene, and our skateboarders' skateboards have their own skateboards. Oh, and it’s 40 degrees here most of the time...so there's that, too.
CHEERS good readin'. On this date in 1731, Benjamin Franklin opened the first library in the colonies, located in Philadelphia. The dedication ceremony was cut short, however, thanks to strict enforcement the colonies' first ever "3 shushes and ye be out" rule.
CHEERS to the C&J mailbag. Sent moments ago via Ahmadinejalopy (Dibs!):
Dear Iran,
Hello! How are you? I'm doing okay, although Tuesday's election has left me a bit rattled. Your people may be Persian, but ours were "purgin'!" Ha Ha, I bet is what you're thinking.
Anyway, I read in the news that you haven't made up your mind up yet on whether or not to stone that woman to death for committing adultery. I'm glad to hear that. When considering things such as stoning another human being to death, it's good to tread cautiously. You'll want to weigh all the historical, judicial, political and social implications carefully, and evaluate the general availability of suitable stones in your area.
Also I think you're monsters.
Sincerely,
BiPM
P.S. I see your stoning announcement was made in the town if Tbilisi. I'm sorry to see that the collapse of the global economy has been rough on your vowel industry. I hope you’re A's, E's, O's and U's make a comeback real soon.
MELODRAMATIC OVERACTION!!!!! to sands through the hourglass. Forty five years ago today, Days of Our Lives---my partner, Michael's, favorite soap for over 30 of them---premiered on NBC. Which reminds me: right after I bury you alive and steal Brady's heart I'm having your baby. Unless Vivian stuffs me in a sarcophagus first and taunts me as I slowly run out of oxygen. But, c'mon, that would be crazy.
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Five years ago in C&J: November 8, 2005
CHEERS or JEERS to being gay in Maine. Today's the day we vote on a citizen's veto referendum to overturn our state's gay rights law. The bill offers legal protection from discrimination in housing, employment, credit, and education. But the fundy knuckledraggers---of course---say it will destroy every marriage in the state within 30 seconds. Which is why our biggest group of supporters is expected to be divorce lawyers. [11/8/10 Update: Third time was the charm---the veto failed and we got our basic civil rights written into law. People predicted that a horrendous event of Biblical proportions would befall our state if that happened. Last Tuesday we got a teabagger as our new governor. My god...they were right.]
JEERS to the Big Lie. Bush says "We do not torture." Hey, I've been living under the black cloud of your corrupt administration for 5 years. Believe me...you're TORTURING US! [11/8/10 Update: In his new book, Bush says he personally authorized waterboarding...a crime for which America hanged Japanese military leaders who authorized it during World War II because it was torture. But W will live out the rest of his life in luxury and bubbledom. It's good to be the king.]
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And just one more...
CHEERS to Animatronic Idol. It really is amazing how far robotic technology has come over the past couple years. The Japanese, for example, recently unveiled "HRP-4C." Thanks to an intricate array of motherboards, circuitry and a process called "VocaWatcher," she can move her arms, blink her eyes, make life-like facial expressions and sing. Our version here in America is just a bit different. Thanks to an intricate array of mama grizzlies, political calculations and a process called "IowaWatcher," the Palin-2012 can write crib notes on her hand, lie through her teeth, drink through a crazy straw and tweet. The mind reels.
Have a nice Monday. And if I may preemptively say on behalf of us all: Serenity Now!!! Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
The petite 5-foot-6 Bill in Portland Maine lies on his back with his long, blond hair splayed out on a table like an Asian fan. Nearly nude but for a thong and strategically placed leaves and artificial blossoms, he remains stock-still as people pluck sushi pieces off of his arms, legs and tummy.
---USA Today
11/7/10
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