March 10, 2011 will be the fifth anniversary of my partner Karen's death. Some times I find it hard to believe that so much time has passed, that she has now been gone longer than we lived together. I have, over the days, months and years, begun to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart and world and slowly put the pieces back together. There will always be something missing; something that can never be replaced, but I have begun taking steps on this different journey.
One of the big steps I took was buying a 13 game mini plan hockey tickets. The reason that was such a big step for me is that Karen and I loved going to hockey games. For nearly two years after her death, I never even watched a hockey game. I did go to one game shortly after her death to see some friends whom we had met at the games, but being there was very difficult and I couldn't imagine going to another game. In February 2008, some friends took me to a game and I enjoyed myself, but not enough to go again until the following October on opening night. As much as I had fun, I was very aware of Karen's absence and didn't go to any more games the rest of that year or any in 2009 nor did I watch any games on television.
This year, I decided I wanted to go to some hockey games and bought the tickets. I also bought an extra set for friend who'd be going to many of the games. Buying those tickets was bittersweet because that was something Karen and I always wanted to do but never could afford. I'm off Wednesdays and Thursdays and the ticket rep took the time to switch some of the games in the "weekday plan" to fit my needs. This past week, I realized that one of the games is on Thursday, March 10, the anniversary of Karen's death. I have really been torn over what to do. Whenever I've been off work on that day, I have had a Mass said. But Karen loved hockey and going to the game would be a way to celebrate her life rather than mourn her death. I spoke with, Father Bill, a close friend of Karen and mine, an Independent Catholic Priest who gave Karen the Last Rites the day she died and who has always said the Memorial Mass for her. He said that the hockey game was a different way to honor Karen's memory and that I should go.
When I was at the hockey game this past Friday evening, I told a friend about my conversation with Father Bill and about going to the game on Karen's anniversary. Her response, words that were spoken in great kindness and with deep concern, "Karen would want you to get on with your life" stung me almost as much as those words stung me three months after her death when a co-worker said the same thing. In the days and months immediately after Karen's death, the kindest words caused such pain and even now, they still hurt a bit.