I recently saw the Fellini film “8 ½,” and I’m inspired. I want to make a movie . . . a really bad one that’s way over budget and way behind schedule.
I want surly, temperamental actors who demand the moon and refuse to produce. I want bad dialogue, an inane plot-line and a thoroughly irritating soundtrack. I’ll need an editor who spends all night in the cutting room with nothing to show for it.
I want to deal with a hotel full of agents, managers, lawyers and accountants who say, “Oh, baby, this looks hot . . ."
I recently saw the Fellini film “8 ½,” and I’m inspired. I want to make a movie . . . a really bad one that’s way over budget and way behind schedule. That guy Guido, he had it all in “8 ½”, maybe more than he could handle. But it sure looked like fun and I want to try it. If Federico can make a good movie about the movie business, I can certainly make a bad one.
I want surly, temperamental actors who demand the moon and refuse to produce. I want bad dialogue, an inane plot-line and a thoroughly irritating soundtrack. I’ll need an editor who spends all night in the cutting room with nothing to show for it. There will be actors who demand script changes before they’ve even read it, and refuse to work without strokes from their agent, lawyer, and manager. Plus, I want writers who will go bonkers over this.
Maybe I should point out that I have some experience at this. I worked in a good movie once as an extra in The People Vs. Larry Flynt. Before that I had a girlfriend who was an art director for a film at the American Film Institute in the late ‘70’s. I learned then, one of the key aspects of movie-making is sitting and waiting for long periods.
However, I learned a lot more working with Milos Forman, Woody Harrelson and Courtney Love. Perhaps one of my life’s great accomplishments is that I made Courtney Love laugh. “America’s Queen Psycho Bitch”, as she calls herself, has a delicious sense of humor. The fact that I took Woody’s yoga class, which he offered along with his brother, co-star Brad, should qualify me as a Hollywood “innie.” He also came to the local Jewish Community Center, and played basketball with us one Sunday morning. On that basis, I’m surprised I don’t get more calls returned from the big studios.
That Milos, what a guy! He got behind the Memphis State Tigers during their run to the NCAA Basketball Tournament, checked out the music clubs, and still had time to make a good movie. I invited him to our family Seder when we were filming in Memphis, but he had to beg off. Busy guy, you know. Still, we chatted a bit, and I gave him a Churchill Royal Jamaican and a couple of Pilsner Urquell’s. And I also told him not to call again unless he had me in mind for the romantic lead. Still waiting.
So I’ll make my own movie . . . a really bad one, for starters.
We’ll have 4:30 a.m. call times and make people sit around for 3 hours before even saying anything. We’ll shoot every take 30 times, and still not get it right, but damn; won’t it be fun!
I plan to minimize special effects that simulate blowing up the world in graphic detail. You see that in every movie. I’ll dare to be different.
And give me sex, all kinds of sex, especially the hetero kind. There will be kissing, fondling, groping, couples, threesomes, and at least one bona-fide orgy. Good, clean fun for all. But no sex against anyone’s will. I know that’s big in a lot of movies, but not in mine. Hey, I’m old fashioned.
I want to make a movie so bad that Mystery Science Theatre 3000 won’t even touch it. So I’ll have to add another of dialogue over the original and give my own movie the Mystery Science Theatre treatment.
I’ll sue my distributor and my own production company before it’s even in the can, just to make sure I get things my way. Give me bad lighting, disruptive shadows, an uneven soundtrack and trailers that don’t sell. I want scenes with actors winging it, because they didn’t study the script, plus I want writers who will go bonkers over this. I want to deal with a hotel full of agents, managers, lawyers and accountants who say, “Oh, baby, this looks hot; I’m recommending this property to my client; I’ll get back to you after we talk, so we can talk.” All day and night, just like in “8 ½.”
I don’t think Joe Bob Bloom or Roger Ebert will like my movie. Pauline Kael wouldn’t have either. That’s because they don’t like most movies. Makes me wonder why they do what they do.
Oh, I almost forgot about Courtney. One of my extra bits was in the still shots depicting Woody and Courtney’s wedding. I was one of Woody’s groomsmen. Woody and Courtney are a fun couple, honest. They were bantering lines from Cat On A Hot Tin Roof while we were setting up one of the shots:
Courtney: “Lies, Lies, Lies. It’s all lies, lies, lies.”
Woody: (Big sniff through the nostrils) “It’s mendacity, that’s what it is, it’s mendacity. I can smell it.”
Scott: (Borrowing “Sister Woman’s” line from the actual dialogue): “Why Big Daddy, I don’t even know what that is!”
That one got a laugh from the entire gallery, but I don’t think Milos was paying attention; otherwise, I’m sure we would have worked something out by now.
Courtney’s melting into girlishness occurred a few minutes later while she was sitting in her monogrammed director’s chair, sipping bottled water. I dared to break that 5th wall between extras and stars, and actually approached her. I said, “You know, I really enjoyed your bantering from Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, it’s one of my all-time favorites. I gotta’ tell you about another time I borrowed from that dialogue: I was in a cast and on crutches for the only time in my life because of a basketball injury. Whenever anyone with a southern accent came up and said, ‘Damn, Scott, What’d you do to your foot?’ I would say, ‘Well . . . I was runnin’ a flight of high hurdles on the high school athletic field at 3 in the mornin’. Then, if they dignified me with a set up for the next line from the dialogue (‘Son, was you drunk when you did it?’), I was always ready with: “Sir, I wouldn’t run the low-hurdles sober.’ “
I admit it wasn’t original material, but I nailed the timing and delivery. So, if my mojo can work on Courtney, I can certainly make a decent, bad movie.
Oh, what a joy to make a bad movie. For all my work, I’ll get a big pay check, a big flop, and lots of offers to make more bad, expensive movies. I hear that once you get in the door, it gets easier because they know you. I want to make a bad movie because this will enhance my reputation as a director of means, and help me learn how to make a good movie.
I doubt that Milos, Stevie or Woody will call until they see the “buzz” my first bad movie generates. Everyone loves “buzz” movies. They’re always talking about them. Once word gets around that I’m behind production, over budget and facing a mutiny on the set, other investors will line up to get in on the gravy train.
Then I expect to get a seven-picture deal with Paramount, call a meeting at a nice hotel in Nice, and relive “8 ½” all over again.
H. Scott Prosterman