From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
And Then Things Got Kinda Nutty
Republicans, I'm afraid a tut-tut is in order. Not to put too fine a point on it, but...during the third quarter of 2010 you behaved rather badly.
You nixed a defense authorization bill for the first time in 48 years. You blocked the DISCLOSE Act, which would've added a layer of transparency to political campaigns. You soiled yourselves over a proposed community gathering place in lower Manhattan. (Can't have those scary American Muslims doing their scary American peace-mongering now, can we?) One of your congressmen insisted, with no proof whatsoever, that the biggest crisis facing America was "terror babies." Really? Terror babies?
Oh, and you voted against an extension of unemployment benefits (and threatened to do it again in December unless billionaires got their tax cuts). A minor bit of tweaking to rein in Wall Street abuses was too much for you, so you also voted against the Dodd-Frank bill. Your RNC chairman said the Afghanistan invasion "was a war of Obama's choosing." You doctored video footage to slime an innocent and wholly decent Dept. of Agriculture employee.
Then again, your tea party wing gave birth to enough U.S. Senate candidates who were so ridiculously unqualified and batty that you literally---literally---ended up snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. For that we thank ya kindly. Such a gift.
But wait, there's more!!! Lots more, in fact. Below the fold is part three in our lookback series for which we won a Pulitzer in a dream recently. It's called 2010: The Slightly Less Sucky Times Are Back, Baby!
C&J goes retro... [Swoosh!!] Right now! [GONG!!]
By the Numbers: C&J poll results from July through September, 2010
Percent of Kossacks who want the 2012 Democratic National Convention to be in, respectively, Cleveland, St. Louis, Charlotte and Minneapolis: 34%, 22%, 21%, 21%
Percent of you want the tax cuts to expire on people making over $250,000 a year: 91%
Percent who believe the traditional media overreacted to Stephen Colbert's appearance before a House subcommittee hearing on immigrant farm labor: 86%
Percent who are satisfied with how their congressperson responds to their feedback and/or requests for assistance: 31%
Percent support the building of the new Islamic community center in Lower Manhattan: 87%
Percent who support loosening restrictions on travel to Cuba: 95%
Percent who say discussing politics with family members is totally off-limits: 26% (19% say it's an all-around positive experience)
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Embarrassing, indeed
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Cheers and Jeers 2010 Flashback: July
Republicans in the Senate obstruct and kill an extension of unemployment benefits and other benefits designed to help folks on Main Street, including homeless veterans with kids. Mitch McConnell defends his caucus, saying they'd really and truly be happy to vote in favor of it any day of the week that doesn’t end in y.
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Goldman Sachs gets nailed...by bed bugs! Their Jersey City office is partially evacuated as exterminators try and evict the critters. When they ask what the difference is between a bed bug and a Goldman Sachs executive, they're told that one is a parasite that feeds on humans, and the other is a parasite that feeds on humans while wearing designer cufflinks.
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Tarballs arrive in Texas and in Lake Pontchartrain. BP's idea to mark them "Return to Sender" fails to help.
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Our blogfather, Markos Moulitsas, gets booted as a regular guest on MSNBC for the sin of hurting Joe Scarborough feelings in a tweet. Pat Buchanan, who believes Hitler was really a misunderstood peacenik, remains gainfully employed at the network.
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RNC chairman Michael Steele raises eyebrows when he claims at a fundraiser that the Afghanistan invasion "...was a war of Obama's choosing." When asked to cite his source, he pulls out a Texas Board of Education-approved social studies textbook.
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At the Vienna airport, ten spies for Russia are exchanged for four spies working for the U.S. All the spooks are allowed to keep their fake mustaches and latex chins. Sadly they had to leave their sword umbrellas on the tarmac.
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A gay rights victory in Massachusetts as a Federal District Court shreds portions of the piece-of-dreck legislation known as the Defense of Marriage Act. The Obama administration, which also wants to abolish DOMA, immediately files an appeal to keep DOMA in place, a move highlighted later that evening on the PBS series Passive Aggressive Theatre.
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Spain beats Holland to win the 2010 Soccer World Cup. Moments later two traditional ceremonies take place: the presenting of the trophy and the waking of the refs.
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By a vote of 60-39, the Senate overcomes Republican obstruction and passes a financial regulation bill and President Obama signs it. Length of time it takes for Republicans to start taking credit for it: 5 seconds.
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In a July email, Nancy Pelosi writes: "Here is what will happen in November. Democrats will keep control of the House. Period." Four months later, the House enacts a new "No whiskey shots before writing emails" rule.
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The annual C&J Dinner and Peaflickpalooza unofficially launches Netroots Nation '10 in Las Vegas. Half of the attendees inexplicably wake up the next morning on top of Hoover Dam with a really bad headache and confetti stuffed up their nose.
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Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack apologizes for forcing Georgia Rural Development Director Shirley Sherrod to resign and offers to rehire her. The kerfuffle happens after right-wing bomb thrower Andrew Breitbart maliciously edits video footage to make it sound like Sherrod made racist comments, which she did not, followed by knee-jerk condemnations of her by Vilsack and, amazingly, the NAACP. The episode becomes a real-world reminder of the old adage, "A lie makes it halfway around the world before the truth can lace up its shoes, get stuffed in a trash can, and only be let out when a kindly bystander hears the screams."
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At a Netroots Nation Q&A session with Senator Harry Reid, moderator Joan McCarter (aka McJoan) gives him Lt. Dan Choi's West Point ring. Choi leaps on-stage and shakes Reid's hand, but not before Reid promises to give Choi his ring back once 'Don't ask, don’t tell' is repealed in Congress. Yeah...like that'll ever happen.
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July 28:
CNN: Today marks the 100th day of the Deepwater Horizon oil disaster...
ABC: Our round-the-clock coverage of Day 100 continues...
NBC: Day 100: what does it mean...and what doesn’t it mean?
CBS: 100 days. Not 101. But also not 99. What does it mean?
Jeopardy: What is one hundred days?
Jay Leno: To commemorate the 100th day of the oil spill, Hillary Clinton wore her favorite pant suit and her husband committed adultery. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!!!
David Letterman: One hundred days. Hey, cut me a slice 'o that!
Crappy anniversary.
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Senate Republicans obstruct and kill meaningful campaign finance reform---the DISCLOSE Act. The law would shine a spotlight on campaign contributions by special interests, who can spend willy-nilly in the wake of the Supreme Court's Citizens United decision. The GOP says they couldn’t allow debate on it because the bill didn't have any guns or bombs in it. In other news, an emergency supplemental bill that frees up $37 billion for guns and bombs slips through Congress faster than it takes Sharron Angle to slip through the back door during a press conference.
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Chelsea Clinton exchanges wedding vows with Mark Mezvinsky in Rhinebeck, New York. There are tears and wailing about where the time has gone, lip-quivering verses of Sunrise, Sunset and anguished cries of "Don’t take my baby!" But Hillary quickly snaps Bill out of it.
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August
During a speech on the future of financial reform, Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner throws his shoe at an audience member who keeps shouting, "Timmeh!" It ends up stuck in a chandelier.
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Congress adjourns for their August recess. Then they remember that going home means town hall meetings, so they race back and gavel in a new session.
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The New York City Landmarks Preservation Committee unanimously gives the green-light to Muslim New Yorkers who want to build a community center in an old Burlington Coat Factory building blocks away from the World Trade Center site. The committee's action ignites a wave of political opportunism masquerading as bigotry masquerading as patriotism. Or, as Republicans call it: chicken soup for the soul.
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The Feds seize a few more banks. They apologize profusely when one of them turns out to be a sperm bank.
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Sara Palin accuses the president of having no testicles, while praising Governor Jan Brewer of Arizona for having testicles, thus confirming that Sarah Palin would also suck at being a doctor.
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In California, Judge Vaughn Walker rules that Proposition 8---the citizen-passed constitutional amendment banning gay marriage---is itself unconstitutional. The New York Times says in its lead editorial: "Judge Walker’s opinion will provide a firm legal foundation that will be difficult for appellate judges to assail." Oh, but they'll try.
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Elena Kagan gets confirmed by the Senate. Jeff Sessions kicks a cat.
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Toyota holds a press conference to announce it has gone a full day without a recall.
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A huge "ice island" four times the size of Manhattan breaks up with Greenland and is now careening out of control at .00001 mph. Why the separation? Some blame it on global warming. Others blame it on a fight over an atoll.
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The first Border Tea Party and Tumbleweed Roll takes place in the middle of nowhere, Arizona. Entertainers include radio host/emcee Mike Broomhead [sic], and a gaggle of political seethers armed with lots of chaw and scary adjectives. One high-profile politician backs out: Nevada Senate candidate Sharron Angle says she can't make it because she's already scheduled a full day running away from reporters.
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GOP Congressman Louie Gohmert goes on CNN and insists, without proof, that women are giving birth here to "terror babies" who grow up to use scare tactics on Americans. When asked if they knew of any, the FBI says, "Yeah...Louie Gohmert."
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The Rod Blagojevich jury renders their judgment on the 24 counts against the former Illinois governor. They deadlock on 23 counts, but find him guilty of one: being crazy. Like a fox.
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Ninety-four thousand U.S. troops leave Iraq. Fifty-thousand U.S. troops remain, along with fifty-thousand short straws.
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380 million eggs are recalled after hundreds of people got salmonella poisoning from them---and that's no yolk! Health officials eggree that the best course of action is to scramble to find the cracks in the system, and they predict that things will eventually turn out sunny side up if we'll stop henpecking and let them do their work. I don't know about you, but omelet 'em!
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Thirty-three miners in Chile are still trapped but say they're doing okay...17 days after a cave-in. Now they have to sit tight for up to four months while rescue workers bore down to save them. Meanwhile the miners are able to receive food and supplies from above, and in return are sending up notes from below. The latest: "Filet mignon overcooked. Cabernet too oakey."
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Iranian president Mahmud Ahmadinejad announces that his country has produced a drone. After watching the Iranian president conduct the unveiling, military experts use words like "small," "noisy" and "wildly inaccurate." They say nothing about the drone.
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On the anniversary of Martin Luther King, Jr.'s "I have a dream" speech, Glenn Beck hosts a rally on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial. It's just like King's rally 47 years ago with one small difference: EVERYTHING.
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September
The Dove World Outreach Center says it's hosting "Burn A Koran Day" on September 11th in Gainesville, Florida. Their stated purpose: "In remembrance of the fallen victims of 9/11 and to stand against the evil of Islam. Islam is of the devil!" And in other news, the head of the Dove World Outreach Center spent too much of his youth sniffing turpentine.
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Nevada senate candidate Sharon Angle apparently believes that there shouldn’t be any schools. Her approval among Nevada parents plummets. Her approval among Nevada kids soars to 100 percent.
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A gay guy is hired to redecorate the Oval Office. Biggest improvement: the wallpaper doesn’t peel anymore when Rahm starts talking.
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Scientists say they've found a bunch of worms whose brains have human-like properties. The species' formal name is Platynereis dumerilii, but most people just call it the Congressional Tea Party Caucus.
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Teabagger Christine O'Donnell defeats moderate Republican Mike Castle in the Delaware senate primary. The only thing that can keep her from defeating Democrat Chris Coons is if it turns out she thinks masturbation is adultery, uses campaign funds to pay her personal expenses, lies about her education, thinks evolution isn't happening because there aren’t any half-chimp/half-humans running around, claims mice have been bred with human brains, once dabbled in witchcraft, and had a date with a guy on a satanic altar. Have fun measuring those senate office drapes, ma'am!
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During hearings on the government's response to the economic crisis, members of the Senate Budget Committee unanimously agree: "If you turn our charts upside down, things don't look so bad!"
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President Obama appoints Elizabeth Warren as an Assistant to the President and Special Advisor to the Secretary of the Treasury on the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau. Happiest person in the world besides liberals: the guy who gets paid by the letter to stencil people's job titles on their office door.
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New-home sales are revealed when the Secretary of Commerce opens his window and holds up three fingers.
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Sept. 19:
Ding Dong the well is dead
Which old well? The BP well!
Ding Dong the BP well is dead!
Wake up, you sleepy head. Rub your eyes, get out of bed.
Wake up, the BP well is dead.
We know where the oil did go,
Below below below,
Yo-ho, they fucked the gulf up big, so here's the game plan:
Ding Dong the merry-oh...sue 'em high, sue 'em low.
Sue 'em 'til they're running in the red!
Nothing more to see here...please move along.
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Kim Jong Il promotes his kid, Kim Jong Baby Boo Boo, to general and second-in-command of the Glorious Citizen Squashing Commission. He'll receive a fourth star and a brand-new pair of oversized women's sunglasses.
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The apocalypse occurs when Stephen Colbert speaks in front of the House Subcommittee That No One Covers Unless There's A Celebrity Appearing In Character. Correction: the apocalypse only occurs in the beltway punditry's head. Everyone else survives.
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Allen West, a teabagger running for congress in Florida's 22nd District, stands up in front of an audience and claims that he's got a higher security clearance than the President of the United States. Wow---this guy Allen West is crazy. He thinks he's Oprah.
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Tomorrow: the thrilling conclusion!
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