Dear Second Amendment Fanatics:
Listen, I know you folks like to carry guns out in the open and stuff, because far be it for a deer who makes it into urbal sprawl to get out alive. I know you're all Ted Nugent and shit, simply because the Constitution says you can, and far be it for you to think of the children.
But, I swear to motherfucking God, if you start pulling this crap in Boulder County, especially around my kid, I will speak up, forcefully and loudly and embarrass the hell out of you in any venue you so choose. I'm eloquent when I'm angry, so go right ahead, baby. Make my day.
(Excellent spandex pants, Ted.)
You do not need to carry a gun into Peet's Coffee and Tea. You do not need to carry a gun into California Pizza Kitchen. I know this is hard for you to imagine, but the Second Amendment actually meant something different when conceived than it does to us today. Shocker, right? Way back then:
Early American settlers viewed the right to arms and/or the right to bear arms and state militias as important for one or more of these purposes
deterring undemocratic government;
repelling invasion;
suppressing insurrection;
facilitating a natural right of self-defense;
participating in law enforcement;
slave control in slave states.
So what the FUCK are you people doing, armed, wishing to hold an Open Carry meeting at CPK? What, you guys after a renegade mushroom or something? Are we being undemocratic, invaded, insurrected, or slave controlling, against my utter lack of knowledge to the contrary? Better yet, is the ex-boyfriend who stole your wife's diamond necklace at Peet's Coffee and Tea RIGHT NOW?!
I somehow doubt it.
If not, then please put your fucking guns away. There is absolutely ZERO reason for you to go with this Open Carry thing, except to scare and intimidate others. What the hell is wrong with you?! Like my 9-year-old daughter wants to see that. And, if she does, I can assure you that there will be a plethora of tears, and I'm sticking you dirtbags with the counseling bill.
Why do you hate children? Does it have anything to do with the fact that, since you almost unequivocally have small penises, are you simply incapable of conceiving children with your significant other(s)? I mean, I just wonder about that stuff. What would cause you to do something this utterly stupid, where others can openly mock you?
Plus, this:
Open carry was common during the United States pioneer era and in the American Old West.
It is freaking 2010, people! Get a grip! We're not still digging for gold and trying to get the best land steal we can find! I am not Caroline Ingalls, and you're not "Manly", either. (You're more like Nellie Olsen, honestly.)
Gah. I don't even know why I'm writing this rant, since y'all are in Nashville, at that teabagger convention. You'll listen to Tom Tancredo, that repulsive cretin, but not a mother who genuinely worries that her kid is going to run into you freaks and then have to explain that, no, there won't be an Old West-style shoot-out, I promise.
You guys fucking suck. I mean it. Please, immediately cease and desist going all Xe/Blackwater, OK? Because that didn't work out so well in Iraq, and I highly doubt it'll work out here, either.
Very Sincerely (you stupid, paranoid, racist little worms!),
Shiz