From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Plausible
Citing a mutually shared vision of health care in America, congressional Republicans and the deadly bone-marrow cancer leukemia announced a joint effort Wednesday to repeal the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, the historic new bill that extends health benefits to 32 million Americans nationwide.
"Republicans have no greater ally in this fight than leukemia," said Sen. Jim DeMint (R-SC), who was flanked by Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY), House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH), and the abnormal increase in white blood cells. "Denying insurance to Americans with preexisting conditions and ensuring that low-income Americans stand no chance of receiving quality health care are just a few of the core beliefs that the GOP and leukemia share." ...
While chronic leukemia was reportedly worried about how its association with the Republican party would affect its public image, the destructive pathogen was ultimately swayed by language in the final bill that offers small business owners tax incentives to provide health care to their employees.
---The Onion
Prediction: at today's tea party rally in Boston, party leader Sarah Palin will mention health care once, only in the context of repealing the new bill. But she'll use the term "rootin' tootin'" ten times in the context of meaningless blather.
Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Note: Went to the DMV yesterday. When the lady behind the glass motioned to me, I asked her to sit down and wait until I called her number. Now you know why I have a stop sign sticking out of my ass.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Earth Day: 8
Days `til Free Comic Book Day: 17
Percent of the $90 million in fines levied at coal mines for health and safety violations that have been paid: 7%
(Source: USA Today)
Estimated percent of Americans who have a living will: 20-30 percent
(Source: The Week)
Global rank of the U.S. in terms of internet speed: 22nd
Approximate length it'll take to download a full-length DVD on Google's planned ultra-fast fiber-optic network: 70 seconds
(Source: Time)
Number of 55-gallon trash bags that'll be filled after an average baseball game at Portland's Hadlock Field, where the first home game of the season is tomorrow: 75
(Source: Portland Daily Sun)
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 174 (including 5 Ecumenisms and 1 Zombie apocalypse). Soul Protection Factor 20 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Doggie Hasselhoff to the rescue...
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CHEERS to the condolence-giver-in-chief. Very nice: Barack Obama will attend his first state funeral as president when he travels to Poland this weekend for the Sunday farewell to President Lech Kaczynski and first lady Maria Kaczynska. The Republicans are gonna be squirming like crazy over this event. It makes the president look presidential, and they can't criticize him without looking like craven assholes. Takeaway message: "Shut up and mourn."
YAWN to today's multi-millionaire moment. Sarah Palin, who has earned made $12 million since leaving the governor's igloo, is in Boston today---and, by golly, it says in one 'o them things ya call "books" that Boston's the home of the original tea party, don'tcha know! [Wink!!!] But not everyone on the commonwealth's right flank seems to be ready to jump into the batty abyss just yet:
Unsure where they fit in among the restive masses of the "tea party movement,’’ leading figures in the Massachusetts Republican Party are split over whether to join a rally tomorrow with Sarah Palin and several thousand activists on Boston Common.
Three of the party’s leading lights — gubernatorial candidate Charles D. Baker, conservative congressional candidate Jeffrey D. Perry, and US Senator Scott P. Brown, who was personally invited by the organizers to attend — say they will not participate.
Oops! Oh, and here are the signals to watch for from the Old North Church steeple for Sarah's arrival: one if by limo, two if by snow machine.
JEERS to the predictability of politics. Dougj at Balloon Juice looks into his crystal ball and gives us a glimpse into what we're in for as the Supreme Court brouhaha heats up:
• Jeff Rosen piece slamming the first nominee the Obama White House floats. This will be based entirely on unnamed sources.
• Republicans find some routine case and trot it out as an example of how activist the nominee is.
• Charles Lane and other Kaplanistas write that, while the Republicans are taking it all too far, there are indeed legitimate problems with the nominee’s judicial philosophy.
• Rahm Emanuel spends three months trying to convince Olympia Snowe and Lindsey Graham to support the nominee.
• Olympia Snowe and Lindsey Graham do not support the nominee.
• There is a lengthy filibuster.
• Brooks, Broder, and Gergen write about how sad it is that Democrats have destroyed the Senate’s comity and that Obama needs to renominate Robert Bork as a goodwill gesture.
Does that sound about right?
Sadly, yes (and that's just the Cliffs Notes version). But don’t forget this one: Joe Lieberman will play the role of biggest jerk in the Senate. And with Jeff Sessions walking around, that's no small feat.
JEERS to wacko thespians. A hundred and forty five years ago today, John Wilkes Booth put a derringer ball into Abe Lincoln's skull, snuffing out the life of a great (the greatest?) president. I've read on the prestigious internet that Booth was "the George Clooney of his day." With one small difference: George Clooney isn’t an overzealous Confederate secret agent (another inconvenient fact ignored during Confederate History Month). Now tuck in your shirt and pay your respects.
CHEERS to swaggering to success in the Sunshine State. Great news for all freedom-loving Americans, my friends. There was a special election yesterday in Florida to replace Congressman Robert Wexler, who left in January. Now, let me tell you something, friends. The district in question butts up against the home turf of Mr. Rush Limbaugh, the king of conservative thought, the ruler of the Republican party and the man who claims that his brain is "on loan from god." Surely Rush Limbaugh---mighty, mighty, unstoppable Rush Limbaugh---could rally his troops enough to get a Republican elected in his own back yard, no? Surely Fox News and other conservative members of the "drive-by media" would step in and lend their legions to fight against the scary Democrat, no? Surely repealing health care reform is so vital to America's survival that the R's would turn out and swamp the D's, no? Actually...no. Rush was about as effective as Bristol Palin using the rhythm method. Democrat Ted Deutch trounced the "Scott Brown-wannabe of the South," Ed Lynch. And this, my friends, is the reason Republicans are in for a real surprise this November. America is sick and tired of their whining and obstructing and railing against all the things that make America such a great country. Republicans are on the ropes, my friends! They are pushing that boulder up the hill and it's gonna roll right back down and they'll have to start all over. And the real winners, friends, are the American people all across the country in small towns and big cities. The Republicans are running scared. Rush is running scared. And in less than 7 months, they will meet their Waterloo, my friends. Do you smell something burning, friends? I do. I smell toast. The toast of GOP tyranny that will be tossed into the dumpster of freedom come November. Republican toast, my friends. Burnt, rotten toast. We'll be right back---you’re listening to the BiPM radio program...
JEERS to getting sick. Or having your house burn down. Or any other potentially money-draining emergency situation you might encounter some day. Five years ago, in "the second major change in law to benefit business since Republicans increased their House and Senate majorities in [the 2004] elections," Congress passed the bankruptcy reform bill---302-126. And how's it working? Funny you should ask:
It's been a brutal time for the typical American family over the last few years. New data just in shows a shocking number of personal bankruptcies in 2009, with more than 1.4 million families filing over the past year.
Interestingly, this trend follows a change in bankruptcy laws about five years ago that actually made it much tougher for individuals and families to file. Obviously, the predictions at the time that bankruptcy as we know it would soon be over have proven false. ... The law changes five years ago were meant to eliminate Chapter 7 bankruptcy (aka "clean slate" bankruptcy). Yet circumstances are so dire that we're seeing more of precisely these kinds of bankruptcies.
Vice President Biden, who voted for the bill because his home state (Delaware) is awash in credit card muckety-muckery, is now in charge of the White House's Middle Class Task Force. The web site has no search tags for bankruptcy. Say it ain't so, Joe.
CHEERS to that Dow thingy. I wanted to wait a day after the DJIA hit a historic benchmark before I raised one eyebrow in an out-of-control fit of slight interest. Y'know, just to make sure it wasn't all a fakeout, a headgame, an outlier, a "psych!" Yesterday the Dow rose a dozen points to close above 11,000 for the second day in a row. It hasn't been that high in 18 months. So I'm now going to pull out my party horn and celebrate: [Thwee.] That was exciting.
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Five years ago in C&J: April 14, 2005
CHEERS to Tom Delay's political death rattle. It sounds something like this: "Please help me! Pleeeease! Don't leave me! Guys... I'm beggin' ya!!!" Get off your knees and wipe your nose, you're embarrassing the country.
JEERS to stiffing the troops. Democrats wanted to add $2 billion to an $80 billion emergency supplemental wartime appropriations bill. The intended recipient: cash-strapped VA hospitals dealing with an influx of Iraq war veterans with horrific injuries. The money was voted down by every Republican senator except Arlen Specter (gold star for you, sir). But thank god the bill still contains money for the new Washington D.C. baseball stadium. Ahhh...priorities.
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And just one more...
JEERS to vandalizing for Jesus. S'cuse me, but can I ask a question? How insecure does someone have to be to feel so threatened by a billboard that says, "Don't Believe in God? You're Not Alone" that they just can't go on with life until they've tried to pull the sucker down? If we're all gonna be judged by God, shouldn’t we let her sort us out in the Great Beyond instead of trying to play God by making dissenting opinions disappear because we don't approve? (And doesn't playing God break one of the Commandments, anyway?) Aren't we supposed to "render unto Caesar, etc. etc. etc." and all that? Whoever you are, Mr. or Ms. vandal, you might want to look into atheism, because after what you done you might be headed for the fiery place. Rules is rules. Or are you just a special exception?
Oh, and the granny-tipping posse forms at 11 in front of Schmenge's Bakery. Don’t be late. (And bring some hard candy for bait.) Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"Bill in Portland Maine...you SUCK! God dammit!!!"
---Tiger Woods
4/10/10
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