From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Flashback: Sometime Between 2001 and 2008
"Mom, can we talk?"
"Sure, dear. What's up?"
"I'm really concerned about the deficit and stuff. I think the government's spending too much money."
"Oh, now, dear, I think you just have an overactive imagination. The president says everything is just fine."
"Yeah, but..."
"Oh, go on and play now. Deficits don’t really matter, dear. Alan Greenspan said so himself. Here...go buy yourself some ice cream."
"Gee, thanks, Mom."
Flash Forward: Sometime Between 2009 and 2010
"Mom, can we talk?"
"Whaddya want?"
"I'm still really concerned about the deficit and stuff. I think the government's spending too much money."
"Yeah, well, you can blame that socialist America-killer Obama. It's all his fault! He and those Marxist thugs Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi and their socialist-Marxist commie giveaways. Unbelievable! They come waltzing into town and run up the deficit like they're high on meth. Deficits matter, you know! They matter a lot! Deficits matter more than anything else! Just ask Alan Greenspan---he knows! As long as Democrats are in power, you are so screwed. Now go get me a beer."
Flash Forward: The Next GOP Presidency
"Mom, can we talk?"
"Sure, dear. What's up?"
"I'm really concerned about the deficit and stuff. I think the government's spending too much money."
"Oh, now, dear, you just have an overactive imagination like your older sister. The president says everything is just fine. So don’t you worry your pretty little head, Punkin'. He has everything under control. Besides, deficits don't really matter. Even Alan Greenspan says so, and he's 125 so that makes him very wise. Here...go buy yourself some ice cream."
"Gee thanks, Mom!"
Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Note: No animals were harmed during the production of this column. They were, however, mildly teased and got their bellies scratched. Oh, yes they diiiiid! Oh, yes they diiiiid!
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Earth Day: 16
Days `til the Bodega Bay Fish Festival in California: 11
Percent of U.S. Hispanics surveyed who believe the 2010 census will have a positive impact on their community: 70%
Percent who say it will have a bad effect: 2% (The rest said "no change")
(Source: Pew Hispanic Center Survey)
Percent increase in sales of eBooks last year: 177%
Percent of the total book market that eBooks represent: 3.3%
(Source: Financial Times via The Week)
Average amount, respectively, that Republican and Democratic House members raised for their re-election campaigns last year: $587.5k / $662.8k
(Source: Campaign Finance Institute)
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Tuesday Words of Wisdom from the Right-wing Blogosphere:
WHY HAS BARACK OBAMA TREATED NETANYAHU SO RUDELY? "Obama would never treat the president of Equatorial Guinea that way."
Possibly Obama just hates Israel and hates Jews. That’s plausible — certainly nothing in his actions suggests otherwise, really.
---Glenn Reynolds of Instapundit via Instaputz
All together now: One...two...three... Classy!!!
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Backseat gardener: "You're holding the trowel wrong, dear..."
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CHEERS to the China Miracle. Wow---over a hundred miners trapped for eight days in a flooded shaft there have made it out alive:
[A] mammoth rescue effort had swung into operation. More than a dozen pumps began the slow work of extracting the 140,000 cubic metres of water that had poured into the mine---the equivalent of 56 Olympic-sized swimming pools, according to officials.
After days of no contact with the trapped workers, the prospects of finding survivors seemed dim. But on Friday, as the water level began to drop, rescuers heard sounds of tapping on a metal pipe---raising hopes that at least some miners were still alive.
Not so fortunate in West Virginia, however, where seven twelve twenty-five miners have died after an explosion. Messy business, coal. Too, too messy.
CHEERS to hoops hopes. Congrats to Duke, the NCAA men's basketball champs! (61-59 over Butler) Tonight the women wrap things up with a dustup between UConn and Stanford. My gut says UConn but my heart says Stanford. So I'll predict my usual winner: John McCain. Always a safe bet.
JEERS to not fitting our pre-conceived notions. An allegedly dangerous terrorist suspect was brought back to the United States to face trial. Naturally, we assume he has brown skin, black hair, adheres to the tenets of radical Islam, and hails from some craggy shithole country in the Middle East. [Checks description of suspect] Whoops! He has blindingly-white skin, blond hair, a Hispanic last name, hails from Colorado, and he...er, she...is pregnant. Thank god for racial profiling or we might never have nabbed her.
CHEERS to great moments in synthetics. On April 6, 1869, the first form of plastic---celluloid---was patented. 141 years later, the talking heads at Fox News swear by it for their almost-lifelike appearance. (Memo to Ferretface: time to order another case---you're sagging again.)
JEERS to the modern-day Catch 22s. Please pay attention, I'm only going to explain this once: The Pentagon needs to talk to gay servicemembers to decide how to repeal the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy. But if gay servicemembers speak up, they have to be booted for violating the 'Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell' policy. But if they don’t speak up, the Pentagon can't repeal the 'Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell' policy. But in order to repeal the 'Don't Ask Don’t Tell' policy, the Pentagon needs to talk to gay servicemembers. But if gay servicemembers speak up, they have to be booted for violating the 'Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell' policy. And so on and so forth. Is this royal clusterfuck ever gonna end? Don’t ask.
CHEERS to Roy Plunkett. 72 years ago he invented Teflon. Since then it has saved many a meal...and many a presidency.
JEERS to the Knuckleballer-in-Chief. Donning a White Sox cap, President Obama threw the first pitch at the Nationals-Phillies game yesterday, and the ball didn’t thread its way into the strike zone with 100 percent precision and awesomeness. That sound you hear is Michele Bachmann drawing up articles of impeachment.
CHEERS to little reminders. Thirty years ago today, Post-It Notes were introduced by 3M. The road to market was a textbook case of serendipity. One of them is expected to play a major role in archiving 43's accomplishments at the George W. Bush Preznidential Libary: "Took Oath. Broke Stuff. Took Oath Again. Broke More Stuff."
CHEERS and JEERS to today's li'l life lesson: How to Get Writer's Block in One Easy Step:
- Go through the car-buying process for the first time in 18 years and fall into a state of shell shock.
This is also a good way to overcome insomnia deficiency and also to both increase and intensify instances of heartburn, migraines and panic attacks. But I learned a lot. Like, from now on I won’t buy so much as a pack of gum without haggling. ("Throw in the Menthos and you got a deal...") More on this tomorrow. There will be blood.
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Five years ago in C&J: April 6, 2005
JEERS to the coming whitewash. Certain provisions of the Patriot Act are set to expire in December, and Congress is reviewing them this week. By "reviewing," we mean using them as coasters for their martinis. So keep ratting on your neighbors, kids---it's the American way.
CHEERS to the perfect length. Tony Blair has asked the Queen for permission to dissolve Parliament, paving the way for new elections. Instead of our never-ending campaign cycle, the Brits will go to the polls exactly one month from today. Those poor blokes at "Thames Barge Veterans for Truth" won't have time to get their smear campaign out of the starting gate.
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And just one more...
JEERS to stupid boobie tricks. I know this might make straight guys shake their heads in disbelief, but for me the female breast is little more than a nutritional pit stop for time-strapped tots on the go. But even I know that if you parade down Main Street topless---even if it's to make a point, like how come men can bare their mammaries in public (I have eight---it's a long story) but women can't---you have to expect tongues to wag and flash bulbs to pop:
[A]s the event got under way in Longfellow Square, the marchers were soon outnumbered by scores of onlookers---mostly young men eagerly snapping away with cameras and cell phones. MacDowell said she was surprised by the turnout of those interested less in challenging societal convention than in seeing partially undressed women.
"I'm amazed," she said, and "enraged (at) the fact that there's a wall of men watching. ... A lot of people were taking pictures without even asking," she said. "Even if you're somewhere where people are fully clothed, you should ask."
Really, Ms. MacDowell? You were amazed and enraged because you staged a pre-publicized public relations stunt in downtown Portland involving nudity and people showed up to take pictures? Really??? Plus: You do realize that we're coming out of a period of darkness where we haven't seen publicly exposed skin for six months, don’t you? It's actually a testament to civility that you didn't have to fend the crowd off with sticks. Bottom line, ladies: despite millions of years of evolution and recognizing you oh-too-slowly as equals, there will always be a continuous little loop playing over and over in a not-so-little corner of the male brain: "Me want boobies Me want boobies Me want boobies Me want boobies..." God: always the merry prankster.
Have a lovely Tuesday. But, uh...choose your words carefully Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"I think Bill in Portland Maine really seriously needs to see a psychiatrist, number one, because he needs to be on some kind of medicine."
---Dr. Jack Cassell
4/4/10
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