AKA-перегрузка
There is just too much negativity in the world for me to deal with opening this page and reading about how we are going to deal with it. I have more than enough problem dealing with my own internalized monologue in respect to how messed up this world is.
I was hoping this venue would be a place where I could form interactions in the 3D after making myself known here with my own unique viewpoint. But I guess I have too much crazy for one bag and that has become a liability as far as social interaction is concerned. The one person I have met via Kos has dropped from the face of the earth apparently.
More after the fold
I can't in any shape or form believe that it would have been a much better outcome for this branch not to have gotten in the way.
I've changed my diet and the reduction in calcium has started to affect the larger bone groups that still haven't healed. I know from what I remember that this will just be the beginning of the pain. I do have a Dr's appointment later in the week but it is one of the SSI quarterly inspections so they have the cover to put off making a decision for another ninety days. And if they do make a decision it will to be to reject my benefits again. The last time they acknowledged I have seizures but suggested I go back to working on cars as long as I stay away from fast moving machinery. I guess they never looked under the hood of their own car, or realized the concept of a test drive for someone that randomly passes out as dangerous. Never mind the fact that I haven't been able to keep a job for longer than a few weeks without fuzing out.
I'd call my representative but the last one's assistant that I talked to has decided that despite checking the Mr. box on the online form that my preferred form of address would be Miss. I'm sure that they too will decide I'm perfectly adjusted and healthy enough to be employable. It is not like I can afford to go to a real Dr. and actually get my medical issues evaluated fully that would be logical. Instead I can wait for 2014 like the rest of the poor and hope I make it that long.
As to my mental health the roller coaster never ends. And there is no off switch. I slept most of the week last week and this week the pattern has reversed. Well at least I'm not constantly trying to think of ways to off myself so I can say that is a temporary improvement over last week. But that too will return. There is a mental health clinic in town but the last time I went I was in the fetal position and shaking constantly from waiting in the lobby before they decided I had waited long enough to be seen. The the mental health lock up in 12 Monkeys would have been a good template for this place. I have to be very stable to try and make the attempt at getting care there.
The deja vu wont stop and since I have no concrete way of proving or disproving anything that happened last year it just puts me in the state where I can only think of one solution. Even this:
Could be a figment of my fertile imagination and not really proof of anything. Something that just leaves me believing I'm BSC and not really going to get better. Then there is the wondering about who I do need to watch out for that is associated with that branch. Sad thing is I've decided at this point that it would be better to accept my fate than to keep trying to swim upstream against the current if it occurs.
So I'm crawling into my lair. I've already pretty much quit talking into people in 3D, not like that was hard most people won't give me the time of day anyway. So this is the next step just quit talking to anyone online, hoping I will actually develop social interactions in the real world. It just won't happen and having the expectation that it will just makes it all the more disturbing to me when it doesn't. I've had enough. my system has been in the overload status long enough and I have to pull the plug.
Adios.
P.S. To all those apologists that tell the LGBT community that President Obama is too busy to enact civil rights legislation. Fuck off you homophobic bigots.
That is all.