Earlier this afternoon, I was handed a copy of a manuscript, an autobiography of Congressman (and Senate candidate) Mark Kirk of Illinois, scheduled for publication in July. My source suggested that this manuscript may never reach the bookshelves due to certain inaccuracies that have come to light over the past several days.
As you may know, Kirk has come under fire recently for exaggerating his military record. His sexuality has also been facing scrutiny given his recent refusal to support a repeal of DADT, even though rumors of Kirk being yet another GOP closet case gay and, yet, serving in the military, have long circulated among fellow pols and some in the media.
I know I risk legal troubles by publishing these unauthorized excerpts, but it is a risk I'm willing to take to add depth to the portrait of Kirk that is emerging from the shadows...
Note: All notations and stikeouts in the following excerpts are "as is" in the original document.
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The narrative opens with a gripping account of how Kirk came to be chosen for "the most important mission of Operation Iraqi Freedom":
I hadn't been "in country" long. ("In country" is the jargon those of us in the military use to denote service on the field of battle.) I had flown my own F-14 Tomcat into Old Muthanna military airfield in Baghdad after initially lighting up the night sky over Iraq's capitol with solo bombing runs on the strongholds of Saddam's feared Republican Guard.
I was asleep in my bunk after nearly 28 straight hours of bombing runs, fully-clothed, not touching anything but the sheets, eyes closed tight, not watching the rest of the men in my tent in various stages of dress or undress, when General Tommy Franks tapped me on the shoulder.
"Commander Kirk, we need you," Franks intoned in his rich baritone.
I immediately leaped to my feet and saluted General Franks. "I'm here to serve and protect the citizens of the United States, General," I shouted, proudly. "And if you don't ask me, I won't tell!"
"Good," General Franks said, "Come with me."
He motioned and I followed him to the "war room" ("war room" is military jargon for the room where major tactical and strategic decisions are made) located in the bowels of a secret location on the base. And, I have to admit, being escorted deep into General Franks' bowels made me feel very special, indeed.
General Franks sat me down at a long table and looked me squarely in the eyes.
"You were named Intelligence Officer of the Year were you not?" (Note to editor: Check that.)
"Yes. Yes, I was, General Franks."
"We need you to locate... The Ace of Spades."
With that, General Franks flipped over a playing card on the table, revealing the face of none other than Saddam Hussein!
I didn't blink, although my heart skipped a beat.
"I can do that, General," I said confidently, knowing full well that my previous combat duty in Operation Desert Storm (Note to editor: Check that.) and all of my vast intelligence training would serve me well on such a complex and dangerous mission.
"Good," Franks said, shaking my hand, "Then you'll need to be briefed on everything we know, ASAP." ("ASAP" is military jargon for "As soon as possible.")
"Yes, sir," I replied, thinking about the way the word "brief" rolled off the General's tongue. (Note to editor: Does that sound too gay? Because I'm not gay, as you know.)
And, thus, my journey to Saddam's dark, tight hole located around back in a yard in Baghdad began...
I will post more of Kirk's gripping autobiography later. If you have any questions for me, leave them in the space provided, below.