Newt Gingrich is a man of principle.
I. There should be no mosque near Ground Zero in New York so long as there are no churches or synagogues in Saudi Arabia.
Since Saudis lack freedom of religion, Newt ingeniously reveals to us that Americans should too. Now you're asking, what constitutional rights should Americans next cede to foreign value systems?
Well, if the suspense was killing you, I’ve got the remedy. Newt taped this priceless list of changes to our Constitution above the urinal at the local McDonald’s. I captured a picture of this historic document on my phone before I flushed the original down the toilet.
But I'll tell you, he’s got it all figured out for us:
The right to vote?
II. There should be no elections in Nebraska so long as the Castro brothers are alive. (I hereby appoint Ben Nelson emperor for life.)
The right to a fair and speedy trial?
III. There should be no courthouses near Hollywood so long as Aung San Suu Kyi remains under house arrest. (Take that Lindsay Lohan!)
Protection against cruel and unusual punishment?
IV. There should be no scar-free backs in Pentagon City so long as there are canings in Singapore. (Marv Albert gets a second career.)
The right to bear arms?
V. Hunters must revert to bows-and-arrows until the motherland repeals its ban on handguns. (The NRA is for pussies! P.S. Don't tell those gun nuts I said that.)
Freedom of speech?
VI. Sarah Palin’s Facebook and Twitter pages must be deactivated because she is an idiot. (Yeah, this one is just to get rid of the competition. Plus she’s really dumb.)
The right to assemble peaceably?
VII. There should be no more tea parties so long as Pootie-Poot reigns Russia with an iron fist. (Fuck it, I’m never going to be President anyway!)
Poor Newt. Those grand ambitions of yours always do seem to crash and burn. I guess we’ll be stuck with the lame-ass Constitution we have under Czar/Kaiser/Overlord/Sultan Obama. :(