"Reprehensible" is not a word to be tossed around lightly, but this case deserves it.
The good people at Huffington Post made comments on this already, but I had not read the article when I devised my own rant in the form a "translation". :)
I was being driven around for free in the back seat of a car by family and friends. Well, you can assume that it was for free because at no point in this article did I mention that I paid my share of gasoline and maintenance for the car trip, or the labor of the driver. I mean, I’d be nothing but a freeloader if I just accepted a ride for free, right? So which is it… it’s a mystery, lol!
I was horrified to find neighborhood children offering the comfort of a cold beverage to passers-by for free.
I asked them why they were doing such a thing, but their answer didn’t satisfy my world view so I yelled at them. This was clearly an act of charity, and charity sucks. People should just suck it up and DEAL WITH IT, “it” being their various misfortunes. Why should anyone have the joy of a random kindness cast upon their lives?
I then rolled up the rear window of the car I was being driven around in for free and drifted onward, content in my intellectual and moral superiority. I sure showed those stupid kids trying to do something nice for their neighborhood. I hope they die broke in a gutter as an object lesson of the superiority of the free market.
BTW, please renew your subscription to the Chicago Sun-Times and tell your friends! So that I may continue to be employed by them and you can pay to see my endless screeds on socialism and how it’s destroying America! You readers are all that stands between me and homelessness! LOVE ME AND PAY ME MONEY FOR READING MY INCOHERENT RANTINGS! By no means should you ever call the circulations office and tell them that you’re canceling your subscription because I’m a blithering idiot! Then I’ll get fired, and I’ll be forced to sell lemonade across the street from those communist kids at $1.75/cup! They’ve been subsidized by their parents and I can’t compete with that!