Clutter is comforting to some people. I understand that. I have pack rat tendencies, but that doesn't mean I keep everything. There are limits.
That said, we still have too much stuff.
Then, things got interesting, I got over it.
You'd think I threw Momma from the train.
Recently, I found a jar of sweet pickles in the back of the pantry. I don't like sweet pickles and bought them for my sister-in-law who moved away a few years ago. The jar was waaayyy past expiration and I went to throw them out.
"You can't get rid of that! It's still good!"
"It has an expiration date of 2001. It's out of here."
"...but, it's still good!"
"No, it's not, I'm pitching it out."
"But, but, but you can't do that!"
"Why not? It's mine. I bought it. It's out of date. It's trash."
"Well, if you don't want it, I do! Give it to me."
"You don't like sweet pickles. No, I'm throwing it out."
Little did I know that throwing out my excess baggage was going to be such a problem.
Problematic as it is to get my family to throw things out, we aren't an extreme case. We do get rid of stuff. In fact, we get rid of lots of stuff. Not everyone can do that.
Hoarding can have it's comedic aspects, but when does normal gathering behavior become Obsessive Compulsive Disorder? That answer is different for everyone, but a good indication when hoarding has become a serious mental health issue is:
- You stopped having people visit you in your home because you are embarrassed about all the stuff laying around.
- If you have so much stuff, you can't move through your home.
- You have so much stuff, it's a fire hazard.
- You have hazardous material piling up in and around your home.
- Throwing out anything leads to a nasty argument.
- "Collections" become more important than relationships with friends and family.
My first Exposure to a Hoarder
Several years ago I was managing some property and had a renter who had multiple mental health issues including depression. She hadn't taken the trash to the curb in 6 months. The city had posted a notice on the house and mailed me a nasty letter. I went to investigate and was horrified. Up until then, she was the ideal renter. She sent her rent in on time and she never complained about anything broken.
She didn't want to let me in, but did eventually. There was no surface that didn't have something on it. I couldn't find a place to sit down to talk and wouldn't have sat if there was a place to sit. There were dirty dishes and take out containers everywhere. Newspapers were piled nearly to the ceiling. The smell was horrendous. The bathroom was hideous. She was embarrassed. She was obviously broken. I was not even 25 years old and in way over my head. All I could say was that she couldn't live that way, over and over again.
I didn't help her very much. I made her help me take the maximum allotment of trash to the curb that day and asked a few neighbors if we could put some trash out with their trash. All were in agreement and several went so far as to apologize for not calling me sooner and helped us get the garbage to the curb. I went back every night before trash day to get her to take out more of the trash. She wasn't very appreciative. I tried to get her into a Community Health Center, but she wouldn't go. I asked the owner what they wanted done and his lawyer started eviction proceedings. She moved out and surprisingly, took a lot of the trash with her. The vacant place was still a stinking mess.
I've learned a lot about OCD and hoarding since then. The worst thing I did to her was the best thing for the community. I made her take out the trash. What I didn't know then was that forcing her to get rid of the garbage rather than leading her to realize she had to get rid of the garbage caused her a lot of emotional pain. I had a job to do and I did it. Looking back, I don't know as if I would do much better today. She was living in a health hazard, but I would do a better job of trying to convince her to change.
OCD Prevalence in the United States
About 1% of the United States adult population (2.2 million people) has a form of OCD, (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) and hoarding is a subset of OCD.
The problem with hoarding is that it gets in the way of everything you want to do. You can't start projects because you can't find the supplies to do it or there's no place to do it after you find the supplies. Or, you finally find the supplies for the project only to find they are so old they are no good to use. You can't throw a party because you'd be embarrassed to have friends see how you live. Hoarders keep everything, because they may need to use it. Never mind they never have and probably won't...there's that 1 in a thousand chance they might need it one day. Hoarders find keeping all that stuff comfortable and comforting. Getting rid of the clutter causes actual pain.
Anti-hoarders don't care if it causes the hoarder pain, they want the clutter gone. Oddly enough, anti-hoarders can be just as OCD as the hoarder. Have you met the person who can't stand the clutter on the dining table when there is exactly one empty glass, one sheet of paper and one envelope on it? Or the person with cleaning OCD like the character Emma Pillsbury on Glee? As amusing as eccentric television characters are, it's difficult to deal with in real life.
The Debate About Hoarding
Many mental health professionals think hoarding should be separated from OCD as they have distinct differences. Hoarders don't want help. They resent help and they not only take a lot longer to treat, they are most likely to relapse. The hoarder often has a comorbid anxiety issue that is firmly attached to their need to accumulate stuff. They aren't curable and will need constant reminders to let the clutter go. Plus, they have a good chance of another comorbid mental issue taking over. The hard case hoarder isn't likely to get better without professional help.
Hoarding by Proxy
A friend's MIL after a life time of collecting things decided to move to a smaller home. She kept "giving" my friend things she did not want or need. She wouldn't take anything to a pawn shop or sell anything on ebay. She "gave" it to my friend so she could still "have" it when she visited her DIL.
My friend played the game. She accepted the "gifts". She kept them in a box and rotated them out when her MIL came for a visit. Anything too useless somehow got destroyed and discarded. When MIL asked about a missing "gift" her DIL would honestly say it was stored or destroyed. Her MIL clued in and anything she couldn't bear to get rid of herself would be gifted to her DIL. Eventually, the MIL asked my friend to sell some things for her, but continued to gift her the useless items she couldn't discard herself until she moved to the smaller home. I don't know if I would have the patience to be that kind of enabler. My friend said the larger goal was to declutter her MIL and if that was the only way to achieve the goal, then, game on.
Grief Trigger
Many people have normal habits until an older family member passes away. As you sort through the memories of the possessions of your loved one, there is the need to hang on. You can't bear to give anything away. The key in dealing with an estate is separating the important and rare out of the rest of the estate. A person without OCD may regret the loss, but the same loss causes the hoarder physical pain. Many people make it through this process successfully over several months. Others actually move too many of their loved one's possessions into their life permanently and a hoarder is born.
Sometimes, as important as something may be, you still can't keep it forever. The difference is the hoarder can't let anything go. Contrast this behavior with President Obama and his sister, who don't present as hoarders. They kept their mother's collection of batik fabrics and scarves after her death. These fabrics were too beautiful to discard, but what do you do with them? They eventually found a very creative way to share it.
Excuses for Hoarding
"We live green" where you try to recycle trash leads to strange collections. Collecting Styrofoam trays, toilet and paper towel rolls and broken costume jewelry until they can be donated to a teacher for an art projects is ok. Collecting those things and never finding the art teacher to take them is not.
That was Great Aunt - - -'s favorite whatever, which may have meant a lot to your mother, but it's not a memory for you. Consider selling it on ebay or to a company like this who matches up people with china and collectibles. If you don't play golf, why keep Dad's golf clubs?
But, that's my collection! Yes, collecting coins, stamps, baseball cards, spoons or matchbox cars is one thing. Umpteen different collections or collecting everything is quite another. The thing with collections is that they need to be in good order and well contained; but able to be viewed or displayed upon occasion. A collection like coffee mugs needs to be contained. If you find the "perfect" mug and it won't fit on the rack, then, you need to select a not so perfect mug and give it away.
Fear or anxiety of not having "it" when you want or need "it". If "it's" something inexpensive and you haven't used "it" for over a year, you probably won't need "it" or when you do, you'll want an updated version of whatever "it" is you are having trouble parting with.
Tough Love Toward a Hoarder is a Mistake
However much you hate your loved one's hoarding, it isn't about you. People have a right to decide what's best for them. You get to decide if you're sticking around for the ride.
It's a mistake to wait for the hoarder to leave the house to get rid of their stuff. If you're married, you'll get the divorce you were headed for. If you are another family member, you'll hear about it from then on until you're on your death bed - unless they die first. All you will do is piss them off and get them to become more protective of their stuff. To a hoarder, tossing out their possessions is telling them you want to discard them.
Nope, unless they, like my renter, have hundreds of pounds of health hazardous, honest to god, wet garbage lying around; you have to convince them to change. Unless they have so much paper, one match will kill them; you have to convince them to change in a non-antagonistic manner (which is tough to do when you are aggravated by all the stuff lying around). You have to get over your own hang up and understand that the hoarder is anxious about discarding something they think they will need or want down the road.
You aren't going to be able to do this on your own. You will need a professional therapist. All you can do is support your loved one and the work the therapist starts.
Hoarding is a serious problem that affects a portion of the 2.2 million people with OCD in the United States. One good thing about PPACA is that mental health care is considered an essential service benefit which includes: mental health and substance use disorder services, including behavioral health treatment; prescription drugs; rehabilitative services; and laboratory services. So, treatment for the hoarder can be had if you have private insurance, but many hoarders are unemployed and may or may not qualify for Medicaid. In that case, here is a way to find a Federal SAMHSA center near you.
This diary is more about the extreme hoarder who needs serious help, but there are many people who have too much stuff. The video should give you some perspective as to how bad, bad can be with "pack rats. I don't know as if I could get my personal possessions down to 100 items, but it bears considering. That's something a true hoarder can't fathom.