(Paradise Valley, AZ) It speaks volumes that young Ben Quayle's run for the 3rd congressional district of Arizona was announced by daddy, James Danforth Quayle, on a GOP infomercial, aka Fox News.
One does not have to veer far off the Quayle trail before stumbling into a Bush. Indeed Bush/Quayle fingerprints can be found all over Benjamin's pale thin skin.
From birth there was a silver spoon ready for that first teething. In Baby Ben's case, there was the inherited fortune from maternal great-grandpa's media empire. It is fine to be born in Indiana, but mighty fine when the Indianapolis Star is one part of the considerable family jewels. It's even nicer to have the Arizona Republic also in the family portfolio, particularly if you hate dreary Midwest winters and the family passion is politics...and golf.
Ben's bio continues with having attended a predictable series of tony East Coast prep schools followed by daddy's pulling of strings to get him into the National Guard to avoid mortal combat. Oops! This part of the Bush/Quayle scenario is now null and void without the draft. God forbid that Ben would enlist in the guard-of-perilous duty today. Thus, Ben had no need to put up appearances by serving in the military.
Unfortunately for Bush/Quayle family values there always seem to be a few balls that roll into holes outside the golf course. In Poppy Quayle's case, there was his playcation with successful DC lobbyist, Paula Parkinson, who got legislative results by notoriously doin' the nasty with members of congress, five in all according to her Playboy bare all. Self-described as his "number one problem" just after he was selected by Bush Senior to be his running mate in 1988, Quayle would rather forget his "golfing trip" to Florida with Parkinson, leaving wife Marilyn and kids home alone.
Speaking of forgetting, Paula's entry on Wikipedia was removed last December, just before Dad announced Ben's candidacy for congress. But like Dubya and Ben's dad before him, young Quayle needed to forgo his partying ways and find a family values wife. Unfortunately there is a problem with Brock's...Dirk's... er, Ben's hottest chick.
On the widely reported web site, dirtyscottsdate.com, now just thedirty.com, that entrepreneur Ben helped found, he posted pics of "the hottest chicks in Scottsdale" under the pseudonym of well-endowed porn star, Brock Landers, aka Dirk Diggler, played by Mark Wahlberg in Boogie Nights.
In his dirty.com post, Ben, aka Brock/Diggler turned down his hot chick hook up, stating, "The Arizona legislature recently passed a bill that forbids me and this young lady from being an item because we’re too good looking," speasking volumes about Quayle's sense of fantasy reflecting his deep understanding of government and his own distorted self-image.
Just as troubling as Arizona's youngest congressional candidate lying, denying and then admitting affiliation with the site, are dirty.com posts, "I guess I don’t remember the time you banged Tim-Marie (a chick) in my spare bedroom," or the ever charming, "We met in Tahoe at the CBS celebrity golf tournament where we partied until 6 AM. How could you forget the crazy hooker?" Once again it appears golf and ho's are an irresistible getaway combo for the Men of Quayle.
But how do you even begin to start harping on gays and a woman's right to choose with a ho 'n go image? You do what "W" did and get your wild ass married before you run for office, of course. Ben squeezed in a wedding in the nick of time this April. He even got a dog that, according to his web site, he has taken the responsibility to walk every morning.
But canine values alone won't cut it. What is a budding family values politician to do without a family? He borrows his brother's kids, takes a slick photo with them and makes a flier claiming, "Tiffany and I live in this district and we are going to raise our family here." Lots of sand down in Arizona. Very shifty.
Um...what's left. Oh, yeah. Money. Time for a Daddy Call. Pops sets up a fundraiser with the Grand Poppy of All, George Herbert Walker Bush. Danforth and Marilyn fly the newlyweds down to Houston. Babs & Geo Sr. ensure Benjamin has way more benjamins than the 9 other candidates combined. Not too shabby for a 33 year old novice with zero political experience who's never voted in a local election. Tea Baggers? Anybody?
Having succeeded in the march of dimes, time for that memorable campaign commercial. According to polls, which president do most Americans think was the worst in history? Lineage! Can I get a rewrite?!
"Barack Obama is the worst president in history," so opens Quayle's 30 second spot with all the gravitas of Pee Wee Herman talking to Mr. Magic Screen. And then the closer..."somebody has to go to Washington and knock the hell out of the place." Viewers are left to ponder, "Awesome! I wonder who and whose army he's talking about?!"
So who wins the race? As Ben's dad once astutely observed, "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
No truer words were spoken (by a Quayle). Ben won the primary with just 23% of the vote with frantic last minute statements from....drum roll...Daddy and Mommy!
(Please rinse from the throw up in your mouth before reading on.)
First came Poppy's outrage, "With the recent turn of events, I cannot in good conscience remain silent." How reassuring to know the candidate's baby daddy will rush to the rescue when said son is in deep do-do.
The Quayle Patriarch continues, "I have never in my 35 years of politics seen such an ugly, slanderous assault in the closing days of a campaign against a fellow Republican."
"Fellow Republican?" I guess Dan Quayle is hoping no one will notice the same last name he shares with his son.
Here, another frantic message from one more "fellow republican", Benji's very own Mother Quayle, drones on:
"He [Quayle's opponent, Moak] also wrongly asserts that Ben has written for a particularly vulgar website. In the 35 years that I have been involved in Republican politics I have never seen a Republican try to personally destroy another Republican in this way."
Mar-i-lyn! All those election cycles spent on Scottsdale golf courses appear to be your your real handicap. On a minute technicality, you are correct, Ms. Quayle, that Ben did not write for one particularly vulgar website (dirty.com), he wrote for another particularly vulgar website (dirtyscottsdale.com). Nice try, though. We know your verbal precision has caused proud Republicans in District 3 to puff out their breasts in the surly indignation as they cast their votes.
Self-serving bald-faced opportunism has been a hallmark of the Bush/Quayle family tree with Lil Ben just another twig on its aging but still sturdy limbs propped up by the old money, old guard rich white man tax cuts, don't-give-a-damn-do-as-I-say -family values wing of the GOP.
It was Daddy Dan who said to U.S. News and World Report during the 1988 campaign, "Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child." As it is with father and son.