From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE
Jus' Talkin'...
"I'm so excited about the elections this fall! So many great Republican candidates!"
"I know! Who's your favorite?"
"I dunno! I can't decide if it's the one in Nevada who favors armed revolt if she loses...or the one in Alaska who wants to ditch Social Security!"
"Oh mah gah! I love those candidates, like, soooo much! But I also love the ones who talk about secession and, like, shutting down the entire government! How cool is that??!"
"That would totally rock. But what about the candidates who want to go through the Constitution and, like, ditch those lame-ass 14th, 16th and 17th Amendments?"
"...and the Department of Education and the EPA!"
"Wait. Wasn't the EPA set up by a Republican?"
"Yeah...Nixon. What a libtard! Ha ha ha!"
"Haaaaaaa!!! Okay, here's a tough one: who would you rather go to abstinence class with? That yummy fox in Kentucky who thinks businesses should be able to discriminate against black people...or the babe in California who slashed eighteen-thousand jobs at Hewlett Packard and is now running on a pro-jobs agenda?"
"No fair! Like, how could you not want to practice abstinence with, like, both of 'em!"
"How about the candidates who want tax cuts for people making over 250-thousand dollars a year? I so want to swap tri-cornered hats with them!"
"Two words: Young...Guns!!!"
"Squeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!"
"But my favorite candidate has got to be the one in Arizona who just stared at the camera and dared any of those headless bodies in the desert to try and come take our jobs!"
"That was awesome! Thank god she's there to bring sanity back to the government!"
"Yeah! Whoops, look at the time. I gotta go cash my unemployment check and then set up for the big Keep Your Government Hands Off My Medicare rally. Don’t tread on me, babe!"
"Go Galt, bud!"
[High Five!]
"Whooooooooo!!!"
Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Note: Today's C&J authentication code is Alpha Tango Bravo Niner Sixer Little Miss Muffet Sat On Jimmy Buffett. Due to a clerical error, that also happens to be today's launch code for the president's nuclear "football." How...awkward.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Talk Like A Pirate Day: 4
Days `til the 22nd annual Vermont Sheep and Wool Festival in Tunbridge: 17
Number of people in the world living with HIV: 33 million
Portion of them who live in Africa: 2/3
(Source: L.A. Times)
Rank of Boulder, CO, Ann Arbor, MI and Bridgeport, CT among the top small cities in terms of overall quality of life for college students: #1, #2, #3
Rank of Portland, Maine...the first year it's appeared in the top 20: #20
(Source: American Institute for Economic Research via The Portland Press Herald)
Approximate number of comment ratings every day at Daily Kos: 60,000
(Source: Kos)
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 171 (including 3 Occults and 1 divine question for the ages). Soul Protection Factor 12 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Teacher's pet
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CHEERS to a stitch in time. Tonight, when the clock strikes twelve, your chance to win this gorgeous hand-sewn quilt by Kossack SaraR will be history. So when you're done reading this rag 'o mine, go on over and donate 10 bucks to Jack Conway's campaign (he's the one workin' hard in Kentucky to keep Rand Paul from ever stepping on the Senate floor), to enter your name for the drawing to win the quilt, which is autographed from stem to stern by prominent Kossacks and other celebrities who attended the 2006 YearlyKos convention. Just keep in mind it takes half an hour to say goodnight to 'em all. Batteries not included.
P.S. If you prefer not to donate, you can enter by writing an essay of 50 words or less on this subject: "What Jack Conway’s Run For the U.S. Senate Means to Me"---and send it to communityquilts (at) yahoo.com. To me he means hope, common sense, and maybe an awesome quilt!
CHEERS to the most touching (but not touching yourself!) moment of the night. In yesterday's C&J poll, the #1 "worst idea Republican leaders/candidates are peddling" was Christine O'Donnell's conservative "No Masturbation" crusade. I'm soooo thrilled to report this morning that, in a spectacular solo performance, the Delaware teabagger beat her primary opponent, moderate Republican Mike Castle, last night 53%-47%. And that means Chris Coons has a really good shot at keeping Joe Biden's old seat blue. So, while I don’t usually do this, I'd like to ask that you stand with me and give all the Mastodons who voted for Ms. O'Donnell...a hand.
CHEERS to the rest of the field. Liebercrat Katrina Swett got shown the door in the Democratic New Hampshire primary last night, losing to progressive Anne McLane Kuster. In Massachusetts, Barney Frank beat his favorite dining room table, but it was close: 81% to 19%. Providence, Rhode Island Mayor David Cicillene will likely become the heir-apparent to Patrick Kennedy's Rhode Island House seat and the fourth openly-gay congressman in D.C. And the guy who wants to turn prisons into hygiene houses for the poor will be the GOP's nominee for governor in New York. (Steve Singiser will have more on the results around 9:30.) With the exception of Hawaii's event on Saturday, this concludes the 2010 primary season. Thanks for participating in our democracy, teeny tiny sliver of America, and have a nice day.
JEERS to the Achilles heel of free-market capitalism. So you may have heard about a little gas pipeline explosion in California that caused a teensy inconvenience by torching a bunch of homes, killing four people, and leaving a huge crater in the ground. Well, golly gee, maybe the company that owned the pipeline should've inspected it or something. Nah...that'd be too responsible. And besides, it's not like anyone's forcing them to:
Utilities have been under pressure for years to better inspect and replace aging gas pipes---many of them laid years before sprawling communities were erected around them---that now are at risk of leaking or erupting.
But the effort has fallen short. Critics say the regulatory system is ripe for problems because the government largely leaves it up to the companies to do inspections, and utilities are reluctant to spend the money necessary to properly fix and replace decrepit pipelines.
Damn right. This is America, home of rugged individualism. If ya want a pipe inspected and/or fixed, ya gotta do it yourself. And I'll give you some free advice from my own experience: don’t forget too grease yourself with Crisco first so you don’t get stuck, and if you run into the mole people, distract 'em with your laser pointer and wriggle the hell outta there!
CHEERS to minty freshness. We're whapping ourselves with a wet noodle today for forgetting to tell you about the last America the Beautiful quarter to be released. (You're collecting them with religious fervor...right?) So take a gander at California's entry. It shows the El Capitan rock formation, which is billed as the largest granite monolith in the world---if you don’t count Mitt Romney. Meanwhile, this month's release highlights the great state of Arizona. It depicts a giant chasm littered with rocks through which your voice will echo for an abnormally long time. It's either the Grand Canyon or the space between Jan Brewer's ears.
CHEERS to leaders who lived LARGE. Happy 153rd birthday to William Howard Taft. At 325 pounds, the 27th President was also our, um, "biggest boned." It's believed that his weight contributed to the fact that he was habitually sleepy. From Secret Lives of the U.S. Presidents by Cormac O'Brien:
William Taft had an alarming habit of dozing off at the drop of a hat. And nothing was so important that it couldn’t be slept through---including cabinet meetings, funerals (he was in the front row of one when a catnap came over him), and campaign engagements. He once slept through a campaign motorcade in New York City---his open car cruised the streets, the great man snoring for all the city to see.
Pay your respects here. And I doubt the old man would complain if you tossed him a bucket 'o ribs.
JEERS to the killer economy. It's no secret that times are tough everywhere. Yes, even in Russia, where government officials are racking their brains to come up with solutions for their money woes. To the rescue comes finance minister Alexei Kudrin with an idea that's...well...unique, I guess:
Russians should smoke and drink more to support their economy... "If you smoke a pack of cigarettes, that means you are giving more to help solve social problems," Mr Kudrin said. "People should understand: Those who drink, those who smoke are doing more to help the state."
It's hip! It's edgy! It's...to die for!
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Five years ago in C&J: September 15, 2005
WHAAA...? to the wingnuts in Wingnuttyville. (Via Atrios) Fine investigative work by the knuckledragger wing of the Republican party: Part of the planned 9/11 memorial in Pennsylvania is in the shape of---GASP!---one `o them A-rab crescents!! But pay no attention to the one that's embedded in the logo of the Christian Coalition. Um...Oopsie?
JEERS to the other disaster besides Katrina. In Iraq today: "BOOM!" Oh yeah, we're still over there, aren't we?
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And just one more...
CHEERS to auction fever! You wanna piss me off? I mean, really piss me off? Go to the Netroots Nation auction site, find the 65 items on which I called dibs...and then outbid me. I intend to win that 1984 DNC Jim Beam decanter (still filled to the brim with its sweet nectar, I presume) even if I have to cash in the tattered remnants of my 401k to do it! I will pilfer Social Security checks from the old lady across the street. And, yes, if necessary I shall sell my body as a paintball target for extra cash. But I shall...win...my...trinkets. Proceeds help pay for the annual Netroots Nation convention and its regional events. Come and join the fun!!! But be prepared to duck.
Have a nice Wednesday. And never let it be said that the Republicans don’t have a plan. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"Fuller lips are definitely associated with Bill in Portland Maine and I don't think these trends are going to fade away too quickly."
---Dr. Ashkan Ghavami
Beverly Hills
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