Video and transcript below the fold.
But first, there was another big round of primaries last night. I don't have to tell you, electoral strategy nerds, what was up.
9/15/2010
KYRA PHILLIPS, CNN: More victories for the Tea Party movement in last night's primary election.
FOX NEWS: ... a stunning show of strength by the Tea Party ...
GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOUS, GMA: A big night for the Tea Party. They have won a race in New York, maybe in New Hampshire, and this huge upset in the state of Delaware.
We did it! Yeah, we did it! Woo! Yes! Bam!
Proud to be an American, where at least... I guess I'm a bit of a bandwagon jumper. I apologize, got a little swept away. Looks like it's time for another Indecision 2010, Tea Party edition.
So who were our winners last night? Well, meet new Republican nominee for Governor of New York, Carl Paladino. He's a Syracuse law graduate with Barry Goldwater's fiscal credentials and Abe Vigoda's bedroom eyes. Oh, and there's also this.
KEITH OLBERMANN, WORST PERSONS (4/12/2010): Paladino's e-mails to friends and business associates, they contain racist jokes, porn, and beastiality.
(in old lady voice) Whhhaaaaa??? Racist jokes, porn, and beastiality?? I was told this was going to be a tea party. Ooooooh. I didn't know they fucked horses at tea parties.
But Paladino had a good explanation for the raunchy e-mails.
And a lot of that junk just happens to be videos of broads banging horses. So what am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to not forward it out? I mean, c'mon, what part of "I'm in the construction industry" don't you understand? Huh?
The other huge Tea Party victory occurred in Delaware, where upstart Christine O'Donnell was the queen of former governor... don't cheer for Delaware... the queen of Delaware Republican Mike's Castle. She pawned him. Let's meet her.
CHRISTINE O'DONNELL (9/14/2010): It's more of a cause than a campaign, and the cause is restoring America.
Mm... the Palin is strong in this one. My God, just give her bangs and a pair of rimmed glasses, and she'd be a dead ringer for...
Oh my God, no!!!
Which one is Bridget Fonda, which one's Jennifer Jason Leigh?? I don't know what's going on!! Single White Female! All right.
You got Paladino and beastiality e-mails, good luck pinning anything on Snow White over here.
CHRISTINE O'DONNELL (1996): The Bible says that lust in your heart is committing adultery, so you can't masturbate without lust. ... You're going to be pleasing each other, and if he already knows what pleases him, and he can please himself, then why am I in the picture?
You're in the picture, my dear, because as Oscar Wilde once said, "I can't reach it with my mouth." Boom!
I wonder how Democrats are reacting to this slate of Republican new blood.
9/15/2010
ALAN COLMES: This is a boon for Democrats to have these far-right-wing candidates.
CHRIS VAN HOLLEN: They're going to see this huge swing to the right, and say, oh, we don't want to go way over there.
TIM KAINE: Now we feel like we have a super chance to win.
Ah, the Democrats, with the giddy expectations of schoolchildren, who've arrived to school without their homework, only to realize their teacher's been in a terrible accident. For more on this story, we're joined by our panel of political experts, here they are, Wyatt Cenac, Jason Jones, John Oliver.
The Democrats are giddy. The Democrats are giddy at this turn of events. They're so excited. The Democrats are convinced they've now all but guaranteed themselves a hold on the Senate. Wyatt Cenac, how will they fuck this up?
WYATT CENAC: Jon, I think Democrats will fuck this up through complacency. A classic Scott Brown-Massachusetts situation, when his Democratic and heavily favored opponent, Martha Coakley, barely bothered to campaign.
ABC NEWS: When asked why all the backroom dealing, she told the Boston Globe, "As opposed to standing outside Fenway Park? In the cold? Shaking hands?"
Shake hands? Before I win? No, these are post-election high-five hands!
JASON JONES: Excuse me, excuse me Jon, I just couldn't disagree more with this.
JON STEWART: Jason Jones, what's your point?
JONES: Jon, I think Democrats will fuck this up by just simply missing the point. The Republican candidate for Senate in Delaware, O'Donnell, is running to restore fiscal sanity to Washington, yet leaves behind her a trail of unpaid bills and legal issues. Yet the Democrats will probably spend all their time arrogantly ridiculing her for opposing masturbation. I assume hoping for a high turnout of the pro-masturbation crowd.
CENAC: Good luck turning out the masturbator vote.
JOHN OLIVER: Yeah, notoriously unreliable. You never know when a lingerie commercial is gonna come on.
STEWART: Actually, that's what killed Mondale versus Reagan.
OLIVER: It's a good point, but please, gentlemen, I appreciate your speculation, but you're forgetting that the Democrats are a dynamic, innovative party, constantly thinking of new ways to fuck up a sure thing. I believe the Democrats will try to usurp the Tea Party's folksiness by throwing a working man-themed fundraiser, where the likes of Sean Penn and Barbra Streisand dine on panko-crusted mahi mahi in the back of will.i.am's stretch Prius. Whilst the bald eagle they rented to provide a patriotic flair attacks a group of nearby handicapped schoolchildren, forcing the frontrunning can't-lose Democratic candidate to beat that bald eagle to death in front of live television cameras with the nearest large book he can find, which is....
STEWART: Don't say it.
OLIVER: You know it, a Koran.
STEWART: Oh! I could see that coming a mile away. That is going to be an awesome way to fuck this up. Thank you so much.
This was Jon Stewart's warning shot across the bow, which I'm sure will be misinterpreted by many Democrats who completely miss the point, and who will only whine, wondering why Jon did that segment last night. Hopefully those of you reading this know better. Hopefully.
Which resulted in a nice Photoshop.
Tee-hee.