KosAbility is a community diary series posted at 5 PM ET every Sunday and Wednesday by volunteer diarists. This is a gathering place for people who are living with disabilities, who love someone with a disability, or who want to know more about the issues surrounding this topic. There are two parts to each diary. First, a volunteer diarist will offer their specific knowledge and insight about a topic they know intimately. Then, readers are invited to comment on what they've read and/or ask general questions about disabilities, share something they've learned, tell bad jokes, post photos, or rage about the unfairness of their situation. Our only rule is to be kind; trolls will be spayed or neutered.
Hi, it's me, ridemybike... a/k/a Chuck, and I have ADD.
I was not diagnosed as a child because forty years ago they didn't know about ADD.
That's not to say, however, that they didn't test me for everything possible. I was sent to every kind of psychologist, psychiatrist and counselor known and tested for everything under the sun (for a while I was convinced I was Linda Blair from The Exorcist and any minute my head was going to start spinning) yet still they came up short. Was it emotional... behavioral... chemical... neurological??
They never found out and neither did I.... not for thirty years, that is.
Truth is, I don't remember much if anything about school, and not just grade school or high school (I suppose it's somewhat common to forget grade school) but for me I don't even remember college!
No recollection of the actual learning part, like a book report or a test....
and don't even think about asking me the names of my teachers or classmates... couldn't do it.
Honestly, I have no idea how I got through it... it's almost like it never happened...
and not only school, but much of my childhood seems to have gone missing.
What I do remember was the constant agony of negotiating with myself as to whether or not I was going to make it through the day, would I be able to figure out a new a clever lie for skipping school, or a new scheme for cheating on some test that might come up?
Was I gonna be able to remember stuff... like a paragraph or an equation or a piece of history...?
Would I ever be able to actually learn?
Brain surgeon?... Architect?... like most kids, I had pretty big dreams
but was any of it even possible if I couldn't even figure out how to understand what I was reading!?
Anyway.... life moves on, with or without you.
And like many kids of my generation who had untreated ADD, as I got older, I compensated; "bluffed" my way through life (which at this point amounted to my twenties and most of my thirties).
Then, one year on my birthday (37 maybe?), mom handed me something that would change my life:
my report cards from third, fifth and sixth grades.
the notes were especially revealing:
Charles could be doing so much better...
if he would finish his classroom assignments
if he would complete his homework
if he would sit still in class
if he would stop distracting the other children
if he would stay in his chair and stop asking to be excused for the boy's room
if he would show up for school
he is doing much better in mathematics, but failing everything else
he is doing poorly in mathematics, but improving in social studies
he is not concentrating on his work
he is not paying attention
... anyway, you get the picture....
Today, of course, if a child were to display such behavior as I did, they would likely been on Ritalin before the end of class... my generation was not so lucky.
but I digress.
I took my report cards with me to my next therapy session (what... weren't we all in therapy??) where she sent me to a psychiatrist for further evaluation. It didn't take long before the doc diagnosed me with ADHD... from childhood to present, and immediately prescribed Adderall. Honestly, it felt like an instant cure.
It was the first time in my adult life that I realized that I wasn't a bad boy, I wasn't lazy or inattentive,
I actually couldn't pay attention.
Perhaps more importantly, the diagnosis seemed to offer an explanation to so many things that had plagued me my entire life, things like:
why I never seem to get through an entire book or understand movies with even the slightest bit of plot complication or follow "intellectual" conversations with friends (this is where the bluffing comes in handy)
why I never seemed to be able to finish anything I started or even start something to begin with...
my brain automatically tells me that I won't finish it anyway... so why start?
why relationships, especially personal ones, were often fraught with dysfunction and despair.
Which brings me back to mom.
Earlier this year she sent me Healing ADD by Daniel G. Amen, M.D.
In his book, I learned how ADD can take a tremendous toll on relationships, how the impact of ADD on relationships with family, at school or work, and personal ones, can be quite severe.
Since I have struggled with maintaining healthy personal relationships, I'd like to bring attention to some of what Dr. Amen has to say about this:
Social Isolation
Many people with ADD have failed in relationships so many times in the past that they don't want to experience the pain anymore. They avoid relationships or make excuses to be by themselves
Teasing
People with ADD are often teased by others. Their behavior brings negative attention to themselves. Additionally, the impulsivity and conflict-driven nature causes them to tease others, sometimes to the point where the other person becomes very upset.
Fighting
Fighting is typical for many people with ADD. It may be related to impulsivity, stimulation-seking behavior, misperceptions, rage outbursts, and chronically low self-esteem. The fighting leads to chronic stress for the person with ADD and those in his or her family.
Distractibility
Duue to distractibility, conversations are often cut short or left incomplete, leaving the other person feeling unimportant. When a person is distracted, she or he may miss large chunks of conversation and may unconsciously fill in missing pieces with negative information.
Speaking Without Thinking
This is probably the most damaging problem with ADD in relationships. Just because a person has a thought doesn't mean that it is accurate or that he or she even necessarily believes it. Many people with ADD just say what comes to mind. They then get stuck in defending those statements, causing further problems.
Lack of Emotional Expression
The partners of some ADD people complain that there is little talking or emotional expression in the relationship. "He {She} seems turned off when he comes home" is a common complaint.
High-Risk Taking/Thrill Seeking
This type of behavior worries the parents, partners, or friends of the ADD person. Friends often feel pressured to go along with dangerous behavior, causing a rift in the relationship.
Low Self-Esteem
When people do not feel good about themselves, it impairs their ability to relate tp others. They have difficulty taking compliments or getting outside themselves to truly understand the other person. The brain filters information coming in from the environment. When the brain's filter (self-esteem) is negative, people tend to see only the negative and ignore any positive. Many partners of ADD people complain that when they give their partners a compliment, the latter find a way to make it look as if they have just been criticized.
Looking for Turmoil
This is a common complaint of people living with someone with ADD. They say that the person looks for trouble. Rather than ignoring a minor incident, he or she focuses on it and has difficulty letting it go. Things in an ADD house do not remain peaceful for long periods of time.
Failure to Learn from the Past
Often people with ADD engage in repetitive, negative arguments with others. They seem not to learn from the interpersonal mistakes from the past and repeat them again and again.
Chronic Procrastination
The ADD person often waits until the very last minute to get things done (paying bills; buying birthday cards; writing a Daily Kos diary). This may irritate those around them who feel the need to pick up the pieces.
*it should be noted that I am writing this sentence at 4:06PM....
anyway.... except for my current employment situation (which kinda sucks) my life as an ADD person has improved immensely with medication, I started exercising, eating better and generally taking good care of myself. I also got onto a bicycle for the first time since I was a kid which changed my life more than I ever thought possible. But that is another diary on a different day.
When it comes to relationships, however..... my struggle to have and hold healthy relationships continues...
the medicine may help me finally get through that book or understand that movie, but it likely wont unwind years of dysfunctional behavior.
That requires ongoing therapy, ADD life coaching, and things like this.
Finishing something you started, honoring a commitment, and doing what you said you'd do.
Because, like mom used to say, and still does: "It's not what you say, it's what you do that matters"
Thank you for reading and hopefully, I provided some useful information...
Even though I'm sure I missed a million things and I'll probably want to re-write the whole thing....
now that it's 4:54PM, this will have to do.
:-)
♥ and hugs to all
Chuck a/k/a ridemybike
___________
Here are some useful ADD/ADHD links:
CHADD: Children and Adults with Attention Deficit Disorders
ADD/ADHD Life Coaching PDF