Since "Pastor" Terry Whatshisname of the Dove World Outrage is bound and determined to get his fifteen minutes of fame on Saturday by burning the Quran (without the required city permit for a bonfire, it should be noted), Rev. C. Vor of the Holy Congregation of the Antisocial Networker has announced that good, American Christians should respond in kind with a greater conflagration of faith, Bible-Burnin' Day.
When old Terry and his mighty flock of forty gather in the holy city of Gainesville to bless the gathered witnesses of the Fox and the CNN with their righteous pyromania, it's going to inevitably stir up the passions--and likely violent reactions-- of Muslims around the world. There will be marches in the streets, screaming protesters tearing American flags, heck, even attacks on our troops, if the infallible General Petreus is right.
And you know what that's going to do to our great, American God? It's going to make Him look weak! While all of Islam is screaming and marching and attacking, we're sitting around politely debating whether old Terry and company are being too extreme. We're sending polite little notes to the pastor, asking him to reconsider. Heck, the mayor of New York City, where our great, American God was attacked by Muslims, who are now brazenly building a mosque at the very site of the outrage, has come out to say that Pastor Terry's got the right to burn the thing.
Well, brothers and sisters, I for one will not idly stand by and let these yahoos and New York mayors make a mockery of our good, American God. That's why I'm imploring all the faithful, the true believers, to go out this September Eleventh and BURN YOUR BIBLES!
That's right, you heard me. Burn 'em. Flame broil the word of God right down to the bindings and the little red ribbon bookmarks.
Yes, I know it's sacrilege. I know it's an outrage. Heck, it's probably a sin of some sort, though I can't recall any verses about it in the thing.
But don't you see? If enough of us burn our Bibles, more importantly, if enough of us get publicity for burning our Bibles, it's going to outrage good, American Christians, even foreign ones. Soon, they'll be marching in the streets, screaming and burning flags and attacking people.
And then the world will see: our great, American God is every bit as famous as theirs.
Follow me, brothers and sisters. Follow me to your bookshelves and family keepsake drawers and interstate-side Christian bookstores. Take up your Holy Bibles and your Holy Bics and let us make a conflagration that can be seen from Heaven (and broadcast satellites) and the smoke shall be a pleasing offer unto Him.
Those who wish to gather extra special grace should consider making pilgrimage to Gainesville for the celebration, where they shall find Bibles provided for them in the nightstands of their hotel rooms.
UPDATE: I did this mostly to see what ads the ad server would pair with it.