It will happen soon enough, sure as the night follows the day. With the onslaught of Republican candidates for president that we can expect in the next several months, we’re going to be treated to the latest example of what is becoming a tradition. Some right-winger will try to use a song by a rock star whose politics are decidedly liberal as his or her (yeah, Sarah Palin will run) campaign song. Either the song’s writer will demand that the candidate stop using it (see “Barracuda,” “More Than a Feeling,” etc.) or it will emerge that the meaning of the song is the exact opposite of what the candidate assumed it was (i.e. “Born in the USA”), or both.
Now, you do have to feel bad for the Republicans on this, really. If they stick to rockers who support them, then there’s Ted Nugent and…well, hmmm…yeah, that’s about it. Meat Loaf is a Republican, but Jim Steinman (who wrote most of his songs) is a Libertarian and supported Obama in 2008. Besides, what are they going to do with his songs? (“I’ll never raise your taxes, I’ll do all I can to stigmatize abortion, but there ain’t no way I’m ever gonna legalize lynching Muslims…two out of three ain’t bad!”)
But I hate to kick anyone while they’re down. Besides that, I already tend to be accused of hating Republicans. (Speaking of music, for example, an ex-girlfriend of mine once felt the need to ask me, “Dave, you remember that Sting song, could it be the Russians love their children too? Sometimes I feel like asking you, could it be Republicans love their children too?”) So rather than be antagonistic, I’ve decided to offer up some suggestions for our right-wing friends as to what their campaign songs could be. I’ve tried to stick to either artists who are dead and thus unable to object (although some of their estates surely will), or songs whose current ownership is less than clear. That ought to at least buy Sarah, Mike, Rick, Mitt et al some time and publicity before somebody puts the clamps down on the song. I’m afraid here and there I did have to go with songs whose writers are still alive and will definitely object, but hey, no such thing as bad publicity. And they can still argue that they’re being picked on by Hollywood Liberals. The primary voters will eat that up.
Let’s start with a Harry Chapin doubleheader (he was rock’s biggest flaming liberal of all, but he’s dead) :
10. 30,000 Pounds of Bananas - Clearly the disaster was the liberals’ fault: the truck driver was so pissed off about federal safety regulations that he had to avoid getting his brakes checked, just to show the government who was boss. The law of unintended consequences runs amok once again. Besides that, the liberals were to blame for Scranton’s high unemployment rate, which bumped up the demand for cheap nourishing food like bananas in the first place. (Believe it or not, I have heard that argument made in earnest. I wish I were joking about that!)
9. A more obscure Chapin number, Woman Child – A vivid example of how the American Taliban is only trying to protect women from predatory older males when it tries to stamp out abortion rights. If he hadn’t forced her to abort his baby, well, something or other would have been different anyway.
8. Mary and Bruce Get What They Deserve For Not Waiting Until Marriage - Don’t worry, in the blue states we’ll still just call it “The River”. But the far right will no doubt insist upon the title change to make absolute certain that teenagers got the message.
7. The Four Seasons – Dawn (Go Away) – There is nothing the right loves quite so much as a poor boy who knows his place in society, even at the cost of his own happiness (and probably that of his girlfriend too).
6. The Angels – My Boyfriend’s Back – Okay, maybe there is one thing they love more than that: a woman who believes she is absolutely powerless without her man, and is proud of it to boot. Especially if that helplessness is presented in a tone that is easily mistaken as feminist. Also serves as a reminder to girls of what happens if you don’t remember your place and tend to your reputation, even if you don’t sleep around.
5. Imagine - In honor of George W.M.D. Bush’s valiant efforts to pass the John Lennon Memorial Act, which would have banned use of federal funds for anti-gun violence programs.
4. I Am Woman - “If I have to/I can do anything/Like making sure my vagina is strictly regulated by the government”…don’t try to tell them those aren’t the words. They’ll just respond by reminding you that the words “separation of church and state” aren’t in the Constitution either. Just ask Sen. O’Donnell. She should know, she’s you!
3. Procol Harum – The Devil Came from Kansas - Even they don’t want to be associated with Fred Phelps, after all.
2. Marvin Gaye - I’ll Be Doggone – By now even most right wingers know you can’t say “Every woman should try to be whatever her man wants her to be” in public anymore, but they’re sure glad somebody said it. Also, since Gaye was black, now the liberals can’t accuse them of being racist anymore, dagnabbit.
1. And don't forget Sarah Palin's favorite Who song, You Betcha You Bet .