Or so rumor would have it. And by "rumor," I mean I just made it up. But let's face the facts here - none of us have ever personally seen the longform, original copy of Ronald Reagan's (aka, Ronaldo Reágonolo's) birth certificate, and everyone who was alive to allegedly witness his birth is dead. How very convenient! Why do the Reagan estate, the Reagan Library, and the Library of Congress continue to stonewall on this question? Perhaps it is because no one has ever asked them, but I have a far more plausible theory: They do not want the public to know that he was Argentinian, and therefore ineligible to serve as a US President!
Señor Reágonolo in front of his native country's flag:
Now, don't get me wrong: I have nothing against Argentina. It has made great strides since the days of spawning Ronald Reagan and sheltering Nazi fugitives, which I'm sure have nothing whatsoever to do with each other. In fact, I totally understand the Argentine government's reticence to associate its country with El Gipperissimo, given the man's brutal influence on Central and South America during his presidency.
But at the same time, Buenos Aires is passing up a number of potentially lucrative tourism opportunities for its country - everything from the bargain brothel where Reagan was conceived to the drug cartel where he learned his values could become pilgrimage stops for US conservatives. Of course, the tourism brochures targeting these people might have to explain a few things first: E.g., that there places outside of Texas, and that some of these places are not even Amurrkin - but these are modest impediments at most. With adequate training and preparation, locals could be taught to accept having "Speak English or go back to Mexico!" screamed at them by irate, red-faced fat people.
Anyway, getting back to the point, did you know that Ronald Reagan was born in Argentina? I sure didn't until very recently, when I realized that I hadn't seen his birth certificate. But what really sealed the deal in my mind was the failure of those entrusted with the documentation to fully publicize it and make it available for public inspection. In fact, when I asked to personally inspect the birth certificate, I received no response. Granted, I probably should have asked someone who actually works at the Reagan Library - it turns out the tech support on porn sites just isn't trained for this sort of thing - but the issue remains the same: As I sit here, no one is personally hand-delivering the original copy of Reagan's birth certificate into my hand in an engraved, gold-leaf envelope. The only possible conclusion is that Reagan's Argentinian birth is being deliberately obscured.
Now that you have heard about Reagan's Argentine birth, please spread the word far and wide about Señor Ronaldo Reágonolo. Whenever you are commenting in an article about Reagan, or someone mentions his name, or a conservative's mouth is open (i.e., they're lying) be sure to mention the fact that Reagan was born in Argentina. Acknowledging the truth can only be for the benefit of both nations: US conservatives will learn that there is a country called Argentina; Argentines will learn that US conservatives are both rich and stupid (a lucrative combination); and we can finally put to rest the long, arduous debate about Reagan's citizenship that has surely been raging for decades somewhere or other.Updated by Troubadour at Tue Mar 8, 2011, 11:59:15 PM
Some people have expressed interest in knowing the correct pronunciation of Reagan's real name, Ronaldo Reágonolo, so I would like to add this update giving an explanation of that. First, you must vigorously roll both R's, place emphasis on the NAL in Ronaldo, and the accent over the a in Reágonolo means that you should pronounce it rather than leaving it silent. So it's R-r-r-r-ro-NAL-do R-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-ray-ah-go-NO-lo.