Welcome to Awards Edition Plus, your one-stop snark shop for politics and the politicians who create the cesspool we call "politics". The Golden Douchenozzle Award will be awarded to multiple recipients, Sirius the Cat will undergo a lolcat makeover plus News of Dubious Veracity by Special Maine Correspondent James Whitmore.
Follow me over the squiggly-do for fun and the nominees...
Awards Edition Plus Editorial
by Sirius the Cat
OK, Ok, everyone says I need a makeover. I know, grey tabby and all that, and old to boot. I had a tooth fall out just last week. For what it is worth, I killed the raccoon. Then ate it for breakfast. Then, I sauntered inside and ate again, followed by very, very bad breath. However, I just cannot keep up with ""OMG", "ROTFLOL" and all that happy crap. Internet stuff I don't do well, nor do I do these "meme" things that everyone under 30 apparently communicates with as a way to avoid learning how to use the English language properly and uses to get out of Latin or French. Don't get me started on Greek--the Tom across the street keeps promising to teach me.
Well, with a promise of a cheeseburger (which made me SICK as a DOG, by the way) I decided to upgrade myself the other day. Here follows the "new" Sirius. I hate the picture, but I agree with the sentiment:
Happy now? Are you?!
--Sirius
News of Dubious Veracity Department
by special Maine Correspondent James Whitmore
LePage Proposes ‘Super Duper’ Wal-Mart in Baxter State Park
Paul LePage announced earlier today a new proposition for stimulating the sluggish economy here in Maine. The Governor announced plans to build a “Super Duper Wal-Mart” on the site of Maine’s own Baxter State Park.
“What better way to jump start the economy and get a head start on states that aren’t willing to sacrifice a couple of trees for the betterment of it’s people,” LePage was quoted as saying at the two and a half hour long press conference.
When contacted for a comment, The Department of Environmental Protection just rolled their collective eyes.
The proposed “Super Duper” Wal-mart would take up an estimated “Lotta acres,” says LePage and would include a tattoo parlor, a tennis court, a prison, and a fitness center. “I’m not gonna use the fitness center,” adds LePage, “but I know the kids like it and if that makes money, great.” The proposed Wal-mart would also include a swimming pool and a Protestant church. “Also a large enough parking lot to accommodate everyone in the state,” asserts LePage. “I just hate not being able to find a [parking] space.”
In spite of the DEP’s “we’ll believe it when we see it” attitude, state residents have mixed feelings on the issues.
“I don’t see what the big deal is,” says Susan Beckett. “I mean, it’s just like this whole empty lot. We should put it to good use!” and added, “I’d shop there!”
Other residents don’t see it as much of a good thing. “What about all the birds and wildlife?” questions Abby Plummer. “Many species are or will be endangered! Someone has to do something!”
When faced with this issue, LePage responded, “We’ll just get all the elementary schools to make bird houses out of all their old milk cartons.”
“I wouldn’t vote on it,” insists Plummer, “and I’m sure a lot of people won’t either.”
“I don’t think the Maine people really need to vote on this,” replied the governor when asked when he planned to bring the proposal to a vote. “I mean, wouldn’t you all want a Super Duper Wal-mart right in your own backyard? I know I would!”
Thanks, James. You remain the hottest correspondent in Maine.
And now, without further ado.....tympani roll...crescendo...louder please..CRASH!
The Golden Douchenozzle Award Nominees!!!!
The Golden Douchenozzle Award is given weekly for rank hypocrisy and general asshattery.
Paul LePage What was it Truman said? "Don't kick a fresh turd on a hot day" or some such? Well, LePage has certainly stepped in it again this week. While he was on vacation in Jamaica (at the beginning of his third month in office--Bush much, Gov?) a lawsuit was filed in federal court over the removal of the labor history mural in the Department of Labor in Augusta, eight GOP state Senators published an op-ed accusing him of "lowering the bar of civil discourse" and asking him to stop insulting his opponents and embarrassing the State of Maine. Then, a sweet, rich, buttercream frosting was added to the Cake of Shame when the federal government demanded their grant money back which was given to pay for the mural. They just don't want the original amount back, though. They want fair market value which has had to have skyrocketed since the mural has recently become the most famous painting in the country. Way to go, Gov. Asshat! What's up for the next three months?
Rep Paul Ryan who wants to privatize Medicare. Paul Ryan: a one-man death panel. Douchenozzle.
Scott Walker, who has hired then demoted a fellow called Brian Deschane who is a two-time drunk driver, college dropout, and the son of a lobbyist and Walker political ally for a patronage job worth 81K. Now I don't have anything against drinking:
but Mr. "I Hate Teachers and their Unions" sure is demonstrating that the lack thereof can get you a job with the State. I wonder, is it a union job? Douchenozze.
Gadhafi Now he wants to "meet the insurgents in the middle". One of his spokesmen I heard on NPR this morning was saying he was "keen" to do so. Yeah, right. Meet them in the middle of a courtyard with a brick wall to their backs and a firing squad in front. Gadhafi: a man you can do business with...
weatherdude That's right, folks: our own contributing editor weatherdude, for his April Fool's prank about Maddow being fired by MSNBC. I thought it was funny. Many others, did not. So, he gets the nomination. Heck, I have nominated myself before. Don't feel bad, wxdude. We all get a little douchey sometimes.
To be fair to Weatherdude, our Contributing Editor, I feel it necessary to include his defense:
Dearest sir,
My butler informed me yesterday evening of your intentions to nominate me for a one "Golden Douchenozzle Award." Upon receiving this rather unexpected news, I took great shock as to why someone would use such a personal hygenic product and turn it into an award. By that standard, why not just title it "The Golden Penis Award?" By all accounts, sir, I think you'd win that hands down.
In any event, I think my "douchenozzlery," as the lay people would call it, does not match that of the current crowd of conservative oxygen converters occupying space on this oblate spheroid on which we live.
Have your fun, and stay off my lawn.
Warmest regards,
Via Kossack Eddie C:
NJ. Gov. Chris Christie noted loudmouth and douchenozzle. Tonight, Gov. Christie joins Le Page du Shame.
Via Kossack Eclectablog this nomination for FL Gov Rick Scott:
He signed a bill cutting funding for mentally and physically disabled people the same day he did a photo op for the Special Olympics.
Egads...
Kossack vacationland nominated
Teh Donald and AEP is nominating his hair as well as a separate entity
And the winner(s) is(are).......drumroll........CYMBAL CRASH!!!!!
ALL OF THE ABOVE!!!!!
Except weatherude. He gets an honorary. It would be corrupt for a Contributing Editor to win. Sorry, weatherdude. It will be like Tom Smothers' honorary writing Emmy for 1968 he got in 2008. I will personally see to it that Officer Judy gives it to you in person.
That's right, folks, everyone gets an award tonight. I simply cannot decide, and the guys with hazmat suits have been working at least as hard as the politicians, trying to get their overtime in before LePage takes it away.
Tune in tomorrow for the excerpts from the letters sent to all of these august winners. Thank you for reading. Tips? Falmes? DELETE MY F84KING ACCOUNT, KOS!? Leave it in the comments. But please, put litter in it's place: clean up after yourselves.