The following are effective immediately!
6.1 Send The Fockers To Dashiddur
Effective immediately, there will be no more Fockers movies. Actually, we don't know if this is true, but it sure is nice to dream. By the way, did you notice that Fockers sounds like a naughty word? Isn't that funny? We didn't think so either.
6.2 Anti-Christ Revelations Need to be More Timely
Effective immediately, wanna-be prognosticators who believe they have the power to determine exactly who the anti-Christ is need to be more timely with your warnings. If this supernatural being in human form is going to send us all to eternal damnation, a little heads up seems a small request.
Why is it you start raving that someone is the anti-Christ only after they become famous? It's almost like you're just making this crap up to get attention. Remember when you said Ronald Wilson Reagan was the anti-Christ because each of his three names has 6 letters in it, and that makes 666? The rest of us all thought it actually meant 18, which meant, well, who would know? You would! That's why we need your expertise!
Our only request is that you use your magic powers more promptly, before the evil one gets access to power. If the dude is the anti-Christ now, he was also as an infant, when he would have been much easier to stop. Heck, we could just have convinced his mother to have an abortion. Unless those dang Christian extremists are against abortion in cases of rape, incest and Armageddon.
6.3 Broadcast Globally, Exploit Locally
Effective immediately, due to budget cutbacks, the media will no longer focus attention on celebrity drug addicts when so many unfamous ones are available at much cheaper.
There will no longer be any more news stories about the mentally unstable ravings of Lindsay Lohan or Charlie Sheen. Their commentary is no more interesting than the locally disturbed.
Local networks will now be featuring prominent news stories, interviews, full-length feature analysis and wall-to-wall news coverage of local drug addicts such as One Foot Pete who demands a dollar for holding open the door to the pizza place after you've gone through, and Sleazy Sneezy Mary, who falls asleep standing against dumpsters and sneezes when woken, before swearing her beau will return from the Civil War any day now.
Sincerely,
Larry Nocella
Dear Leader of Nothing
www.LarryNocella.com
ei@larrynocella.com
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