For the past two or three nights, I have dreamed of smoking cigarettes. I just gave up the nicotine, about two weeks ago. I did not experience any anxiety dreams before quitting, although I have had many anxiety dreams regarding cigarettes throughout the twenty years of my smoking life.
I began smoking when I was fourteen. My mother and step-father smoked, and I started smoking while living with them. This was due to accessibility and dysfunction. I helped myself to cigs without notice. I smoked at night, keeping myself awake until everyone slept. My mother and brother threatened my life many times. I barricaded myself in my room at night, then read hiding in my closet until I felt safe. I don't remember dreaming about cigarettes, then. My consumption was about three a day until I could legally buy tobacco.
At eighteen years of age I smoked a pack a day. I recall my dream self smoking as well around this time. By age twenty-four, I smoked two packs a day. The cost kept rising, and I often felt I must quit simply due to the expense. I had many dreams about losing my cigarettes at this time. I would have a couple left in my pack, and misplace it, and search everywhere for my cigs. Or, I would not be able to get the cigarette from my pack, or light the cigarette. There were many variations of this theme. I would always have nightmares about cigarettes if I went to bed with only one or two left. Having none was worse.
What an unhealthy mindset! Around this time I began studying ways to improve my life. I was extremely overweight, had issues with my upbringing, and had just realized my attraction to women. I was yet to smoke pot or have the drinking problem I later developed (and got rid of before the smoking.) I began writing in earnest.
The most important life concepts I have learned, thus far, and which have benefited me the most I learned around this time. 1. Stay positive, even when it seems silly and people find fault with having one's head in the clouds. 2.Visualize one's ideal in a now mindset. 3. Use dreams to resolve issues. 4. Do “it” now.
I lost the excess weight. The process took about two years as I gradually implemented healthy habits into my daily life. I used some of the same techniques to quit smoking, but losing weight and quitting smoking are very different breeds of dietary change. And yes, I did dream myself thin.
The “do it now” helped my cessation of smoking, this time. Yet, throughout the past decade, I have thought to “just quit, now” over 9,000 times, and failed. Why the difference now? My dreams are part of my success (I am already successful, even though I am not yet two weeks into it. #2) My dream self put away the cigarettes sometime last year; I programmed my dream self (sub-conscious) as I fell asleep. This took years.
(Ironic, to take years to be able to do a thing now? Not so. When I began my writing journey I began at that moment, right then. I was not so good, or rather, my writing was not so good. It lacked the strength and tone I have developed. My voice pitched uncontrollably, and I couldn't find keys to lose. Daily practice is doing it now, regardless of one's capability. Those little done it's add up to the biggies.)
Back to my cigarette dreams.
About five years ago, I decided to make my own cigarettes again. I had done so for a short time in 2003/4, going back to pre-made when I thought I could afford to do so. I had my first baby, I almost wanted to quit smoking, and I was horrified that I was spending almost $300.00 a month on cigarettes. I had horrible anxiety dreams involving cigarettes at that time. I was starting to feel the mommy guilt of a smoker mommy.
Making my own cigarettes reduced my costs to about $40.00 a month. At first, my cigarette intake decreased as I hoped. Then it stabilized at about a pack and a half a day. Then I stopped counting, and I had my third and last bout with drinking, which scared me to the point of quitting. My anxiety dreams, however, totally stopped. So, for the last five years, I have felt secure that I have enough cigarettes “for tomorrow”, and the anxiety dreams stopped. My dream self rarely dreamed of cigarettes afterwards. I can remember a few from two and a half years ago; we had family and money issues at the time.
When I recently made the decision to quit right now, my dreams were normal. The past few nights I have not slept well. This began on day 8 or 9 of my non-smoking life. I dream as I do, my usual themes and scenes. Nothing horrible happens. Mundane life re-living and settling in, processing, co-relating... And I am smoking. Just as I was a dozen days ago, thinking about quitting. The first night I thought, “Well, just one won't...” and I smoked three, while telling myself that I would not smoke any more and really quit tomorrow. In last night's dream, I had never quit smoking! I had to do it all over again! And I was contemplating this while I chain smoked.
I have never felt such relief upon waking as I did this morning! I mean, sometimes one dreams of magical things and awakes to reality, and its like, ugh! This happened a lot to me when I was overweight. I would dream of being thin and arise to my heavy real self. Horrible! To awaken to an ideal reality is a great thing to experience.