We're all going to die.
Like most people, I was blissfully unaware of the full impacts of climate change until last weekend. I thought this was something that would cause a few undesirable things to happen--the polar bears would die off. Sea levels would rise and places like New Orleans and Bangladesh would be underwater. Not a big deal, life will go on. Meanwhile, I'm going to keep driving my car all around and run the furnace at whatever temperature I like becuase those things don't affect me. Right?
Unfortunately, after digging up the truth last weekend, its much worse than I though. Runaway climate change has already started, and if we stopped using all fossil fuels today, I'm not sure there is anything we can do about it. The only thing would be if we could invent a device that could take CO2 out of the atmosphere many thousands of times faster than a tree, and make millions of those devices. But this diary is not really about that. Its going to sound defeatist, so some of you may want to stop now. But this is my attempt to process what I have learned, and get some kind of feedback or dialogue to help me get through this.
After seeing the evidence, the numbers are staggering. I don't want to dig up the links, because its too painful, but we know that a 2C rise is already happening, and we are doing nothing to limit the chance of a catastrophic rise. And I'm not sure that one isn't already here. As permafrost melts over Siberia, peat bogs will billions of tons of methane will thaw. The Amazon will be dead by the end of the century, becoming a massive source of carbon instead of a sink. The oceans can't really absorb much more, and there is evidence that the methane calithrates on the ocean floor will go next. This is what caused the Permian-Triassic extinction event, the worst in the Earth's history. Unfortunately, I belive that runaway change has already started, and that we will be extinct by the end of the century. Its just going to get too damn hot.
I can deal with that for myself. Unfortunately, the problem is I feel as if I've been given a death sentence for my whole family.
My oldest turns four this weekend. He's very shy, but also the most kind and caring kid I've ever met. He's so smart, already reading and writing at this age.
My other son just turned two. He's more of a prankster, but fiercely loves his older brother. His smile will light up a room.
And in August, the daughter that my wife has always wanted will be born into this world. If she looks anything like her mom, it will be the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.
Yet, I hold out no hope for a future for any of them. Whether they starve as its just too hot and unpredictable to grow any food. Whether they suffer nuclear winter as China and India go to nuclear war fighting over water resources after the Himilaya glacier have melted. I don't think they will live to see the end of their natural lifecycles.
I know I have severe problems with anxiety. I finally fell asleep from exhaustion last night after not sleeping for three days. I haven't eaten much in that time. I haven't driven (probably a good thing). I go to work (I am a teacher), but, needless to say, my feelings on this topic have left me unmotivated as I wonder what the point is.
Then I look around and see all the shit around me. The DVDs that line the shelf. This computer I'm typing on. The cars in my driveway (that make we want to puke right now). We've destroyed our civilization for this shit. We will go extinct for our thirst for useless crap. And, one day, I will have to explain to my kids how they have no future becuase we wanted this. And that their parents are as responsible as anyone.
I'm scared. I'm tired. I'm just incredibly sad. My wife tells me I'm being ridiculous and overdramatic as she happily drives to work. A week ago, I had that blissful ignorance, too.
So I've lost my will to fight. I don't care if the Republicans don't raise the debt ceiling. I don't care about health care. Or jobs. Or anything. I haven't paid attention to developments in Oregon football, or Trail Blazers basketball, or any of the things that I've cared about. It doesn't matter. I'm trying to process, and wonder how to proceed. Because this sucks, and its not getting better.