Esby here, just back from the debates. For those of you who don't know, certain parts of the debate were not shown during commercials or internet black outs. I am providing a transcript from memory below.
King (CNN): Who among you is the craziest?
Paul: I'm crazy. Look at my fanclub out there.
King (CNN): True dat.
Cain: No, hear me out, I'm batshit crazy.
Romney: He's crazy. Me, not so much. Almost a hippie in comparison to that shit.
Gingrich: Hold on, hold on, you want to hear crazy? It's time to whip out the Nazi.
Bachmann: I've got 89 kids and live in a shoe! I am not looking at a sky camera, I am TALKING TO GOD RIGHT NOW!
Santorum: I have seen the various pictures of Anthony Weiner's penis, and the more and more I look at it, every time I see it, it's disgusting! It just froths me up into a lather.
Paul: Crazy? The Federal Reserve is crazy. That's why we need to back US currency with something American, like snuggies.
King (CNN): That's pretty crazy.
Gingrich: OBAMA IS A VAMPIRE THAT DRINKS THE BLOOD OF BABIES.
Romney: I have kissed a vampire squid on the, err, maw.
Santorum: Speaking of babies, that's all sperm is, little babies with tails.
Bachmann: I will make the White House an orphanage! And also, destroy the USDE.
Cain: In my administration, I will pick out Muslims like anchovies.
Pawlenty: Pizza? You want a pizza me, Romney?
Romney: Yeah, you gonna get balled up.
Pawlenty: I am standing in pee pee.
King (CNN): Can we get a mop over here?
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...was thinking Spitzer and Vitter should record an "It Gets Better" video.
—Chris Hayes, on Anthony Weiner.
It turns out that one of the women Congressman Anthony Weiner was communicating with was a porn star. When asked how it was possible to get involved with someone in such a sleazy business, the porn star said, "I don't know".
—Conan O'Brien.
And it’s very troubling because for an employee of Sirius/XM to say there are no cameras here and then you find out that there are cameras here and they’re going against their word in taping it, it’s deeply problematic.
—Andrew Breitbart.
Because there's nothing Breitbart hates more than hidden cameras.
As a journalist, Breitbart only engages in the highest of jinx.
—Stephen Colbert.
Fox News regrets the error.
—Fox News, who put up a picture of Tina Fey instead of Sarah Palin.
I think we have to be clear that we are part of the United States of America.
—Sen. Kay Baily Hutchinson (R, TX) on Gov. Rick Perry (R, TX) entering the Presidential race.
I don't know what a Cenk Uygur is. I don't know where a Cenk Uygur works.
—Rush Limbaugh.
When in doubt, go back to the third grade.
You cannot understand the campaign sitting in a desk in Washington D.C.You can't. You can study the issues. You can learn a lot about the Ryan plan. You can learn a lot about the president's plan. But you cannot understand how its being translated into the voters' lives and how they process it unless you get out and travel.
—CNN Republican debate moderator John King.
I'm a husband. I'm the father of two beautiful daughters. I'm a neighbor.
–Tim Pawlenty at last night's debate.
Pawlenty 2012: Borrow my lawnmower any time.
Osama bin Laden's successor was taken out by an American drone. An American drone? Isn't that Mitt Romney?
—David Letterman.
I admit. I find the idea of sending Newt Gingrich to the moon exciting.
—Mark Sumner.
Rick Santorum wants to “a system of discipline” to “punish” gay soldiers, which suggests that his problem with pornographic Google results is not likely to abate.
—Michelle Goldberg.
It's unanimous on the stage tonight. Again: not a single kind, thoughtful or empathetic remark about the plight of gay servicemembers, even as they risk their lives for us.
—Andrew Sullivan.
During the debate, I’ll certainly respond to any questions that come up.
—Tim Pawlenty, who choked when a question came up.
As a consistently successful businessman, Mr. Cain ought to realize that no big corporation would hire a new CEO who hadn’t thoroughly familiarized himself with the top issues on the agenda, and proposed decisive approaches; it’s not enough to say you’ll count on experts to set you straight.
—Michael Medved.
Cain: Can't make a delivery in two hours.
There a giant fire burning in Arizona, the biggest fire ever in the history of the state. I'm not saying these two things are connected, but a few weeks ago Sarah Palin moved to Arizona, and then the state burst into flames.
—Bill Maher.
Conservatives flatter themselves by saying that their talk radio gripes about healthcare or whatever are tantamount to things like D-Day or Washington crossing the Delaware or whatever because without them they would just be angry white men who don't want to pay taxes and don't care about other people.
The Atlantic's Joshua Green.
Quote the Ravin', a weekly roundup of quotes from the internets, comes out every Tuesday afternoon.