"We've almost got a deal. Just working on the Reagan Amendment now." (Jason Reed/Reuters)
It should be noted, yet again, that Boehner's "bipartisan" bill (Republican House members think "bipartisan" means "twice as partisan") has absolutely no chance of going anywhere in the Senate. It's very, very dead. It's so dead that the only way Boehner can even continue to shuffle it around is to do an improvised
Weekend at Bernie's routine, carrying the moldering thing from House member to House member, stitching it up as best as he can until he can finally dump it on the Senate's doorstep.
Everybody knows it's dead, though. There's no question about it. Everything happening now is just an attempt by the House GOP, and Boehner foremost, to save face by showing that they're at least competent enough to pass something addressing this crisis of their own creation. Even if that "something" is a big pile of nothing.
So now we've gotten to the point where, in order to pass this piece of vanity legislation, we're going to propose amending the Constitution. You know, the piece of paper that is Holy Writ, in most circumstances, but isn't quite holy enough not to tinker with on a vanity-based lark. Boehner has stuffed a Balanced Budget Amendment into his zombie bill solely in order to appease his more irrational members who at the end of the day, I think, just want to say they had a part in fiddling with the Constitution.
It's not going to pass the Senate. It's a dead bill. So if we're going to propose amending the very Constitution of the United States in order to pick up a stray vote or two on a bit of stupid Republican vanity legislation, why not go all out? I'm sure there's plenty of other amendments we can add. Screw "original intent" and all that: if we don't pass this nonsense bit of legislation right the hell now, John Boehner might look bad. We can't allow that now, can we?
So here is a partial list of other Constitutional amendments I think John Boehner could add to his bill. You know, for freedom and stuff:
- The Eric Cantor is Sexy Amendment: This Constitutional amendment serves no purpose other than to enshrine the declared sexiness of the distinguished House member from Virginia into our founding document.
- The South Carolina Port Amendment: Modeled on the 14th amendment, this amendment would state that all future debts incurred by the state of South Carolina in building ports, harbors, theme parks, gigantic gold-plated sphinxes and all other potential coastline projects shall not be questioned. Ever.
- The Ten Dollars Amendment: Whenever Michele Bachmann asks any American for ten dollars, if the aforementioned citizen has ten dollars on their person, they must give it to her.
- The Steve and Peter King Amendment: Codifies that both Steve and Peter King are equally crazy, and that they do not have to keep trying to one-up each other. As a nation, we get it already. Please stop.
- The Joe Wilson Amendment: Joe Wilson is hereby allowed to call anyone he wants a liar, at any time. It is further stipulated that every time Joe Wilson calls someone a liar, Jesus approves of it.
- The Ron/Rand Paul SuperAmendment: From the time this amendment's passage until the eventual death of the named House/Senate members, Ron and Rand Paul shall have veto power over all legislation, the ability to amend previously passed legislation, and the ability to change the Constitution at will. This will be known as "the founders' intent" and shall be binding. Also, Rand Paul will get a shiny golden crown, but he promises it will be tasteful. Ron Paul would like a new car.
So come on, Congress. Let's take some scissors, paste, and maybe a little glitter to our nation's founding document, since we know none of it will really matter anyway. As long as we're passing legislation strictly for vanity purposes, might as well do a thorough job of it.