My grandfather once told me, when he was in his 70s, that each day the first part of the morning paper he read was the obituaries - to see who among his contemporaries had passed. He had by that point survived at least 2 heart attacks (he may well have had a third that he never informed his doctor about). The next one killed him. It was less than a year after that conversation.
I am 65. I am at a point where people I knew, some as teachers, others as contemporaries, some whom I mentored, have passed on. Too many have died from health conditions that could have been addressed.
Several years ago my physician warned that my blood pressure and cholesterol were getting high. He wanted to put me on medication for both. I resisted. In 8 weeks of summer I took off 30 pounds, lowered both blood pressure and cholesterol to well within normal levels. I cut out red meat, coffee, salted foods. Most of all I exercised, starting with walking, then jogging and working out on a Nordic Trac Skier. I exercised vigorously at least 45 minutes a day, 5 or 6 days a week.
But then I began to slip into old habits. At a physical a bit more than a year ago my cholesterol and blood pressure were again up, I was not given a choice, and went on to medication for both.
But I really did not change my patterns. And when the medication ran out, I did not return to get the prescriptions filled.
Early last week, at the end of the weekend of Save Our Schools, I found I was exhausted beyond what I expected. While in the store, I decided to try a bloodpressure machine. Yes, I know, they are not necessarily precise. Did not matter. My BP was 356/187. I was in imminent stroke territory. I called immediately, but my doctor is out on vacation. I got 30 days worth of refills, and will have to see him before those. nonrefillable prescriptions expire.
I have stopped eating meat at all. I have had no caffeinated coffee. I am staying away from foods with lots of sodium. I am taking my medication.
Today my blood pressure, which has been going down, was 167/97. It is still high, but is tolerable.
I have lost about 6 pounds in the past week. And as of tomorrow I will clear time to exercise, at least starting with walking.
When I saw that blood pressure reading last week, I realized how close I was to possible sudden death.
The impact upon me has been far more than I expected.
My wife has noticed that I am not getting as intense. I am clenching my teeth less. There is less strain in my voice. I make a point when I am walking to slow down a bit, breathe, relax my body. When driving, I am no longer in a hurry, no longer tense up if I catch a light.
I had to decide if I really wanted to risk killing myself.
If I can get blood pressure and cholesterol to normal ranges, I might allow myself the occasional indulgence. But I cannot live the way I was living, or I will not be living.
I was lucky. I had some experience. I had sense enough to check my blood pressure. I knew what I needed to do. I have avoided the possible stroke, at least for now.
I no longer have the kinds of margins I did when younger, when I could push myself relentlessly.
I have to make time for quiet reading or meditation, but also for exercise, gentle to start with.
I have cats who will curl up with me, and if I go with the flow, their purring, my stroking them, helps to lower my BP and stress, and relax my muscles.
When I was young I was certain I would die before I reached 30.
My mother was born in November of 1915, and passed in June of 1963, not having reached her 48th birthday. My Dad was born in September of 1911 and died around the time of his 84th birthday. At 65, I am now about halfway between the two of them in terms of longevity.
I am not obsessed with death. I do from time to time reflect upon it.
As I become more aware of the possibility of my own death, some things become less important, so I may ignore them or not do them. Others become more important, perhaps because I lack biological children. I feel called to make a difference, at least in some ways, which motivates both my teaching and my writing.
I can still do mindless things - perhaps on a Sunday evening turn to A&E and watch 3 episodes of "Criminal Minds" that I have already seen.
These things were true before last week.
What was not true was realizing how close I was coming to killing myself by how I ate, how I lived.
I have had scares of different kinds. There have been occasions where I should have been in horrible auto accidents, but somehow was not. There was once when I was at the front carrying a heavy piece of furniture downstairs and the others lost their grip and regained it when it was only about 2 inches from my head, by which time I had been pushed against the wall of the landing where the stairway turned. Once while playing soccer, I got an elbow to my head, right on the edge of my forehead on the left, behind my eye. Move it less than two inches and it might well have crushed my skull. As it was, I was unconscious for around 5 minutes, and passed out twice more on the way to the hospital, which was less than 2 miles away - they decided not to wait for an ambulance but put me in a private car. My now wife was then in her late teens, and it was the first time she had ever seen me play soccer. Some introduction.
I have had a cyst removed from my neck that was so large my otolaryngologist was sure it was cancer, but it was benign. I have several times had to have my heart checked out because of false positives on stress ekgs - I do have a heart murmur, but have had it since I was a child, and it in no way interfered with my being vigorous - running cross country in high school, playing soccer in college and later, and refereeing soccer as recently as 5 years ago.
I have had lots of warnings, too many close escapes, when I consider everything.
Now, after last week, when I realized that all I needed was one good rant to give myself a stroke that I accepted that I have to change.
Methinks I will as I adjust be happier - simply letting go of the stress helps a lot. That I can feel already.
I will have to live in a different way. I do not think I will mind. At least I had a chance to recognize how at risk I was - and to some degree still am - and to adjust accordingly.
I have yet again been luckier than I have any right to expect.
I am mortal. I am far closer to the end of my life than to its beginning. I do not need to race towards that end.
I have confronted my own mortality, sitting and testing my blood pressure in a supermarket. I am sure glad I did. I am still here.
That's a start.
Peace.