A few days ago, this diary reminded me of how unusual it is to choose a childless life. In other words, to deliberately choose not to have children, even though you're happily married. I made that choice twice, during my first marriage and again when I married a man who'd had a vasectomy which, for some women, would be a deal-breaker.
The only thing that bothers me about being childless by choice is that people I've just met feel that, upon learning I didn't have kids, they have the right to ask, "Why didn't you have children?"
A friend of mine had her tubes tied at age 26. She did so because she had experience with kids and hadn't especially enjoyed it. She and her husband also had some physical issues they didn't want to pass on to another generation. Both of them wear coke bottle lenses, so their children would likely be blind as bats. He has severe allergies to cats which can send him into anaphylactic shock. She has similar allergies, including several food issues. And she was at risk for both breast cancer (her mother died from it when my friend was 14) and a genetically-linked heart condition (her father died of it when she was only 10). For all these reasons, she was able to convince a doctor to giver her a tubal ligation at a much earlier age than usual. She gave me the perfect response to people who feel my reproductive organs are their business..
I drop my eyes, do my saddest, most stricken look and murmur softly, "We couldn't." I don't feel it's necessary to add, "because my husband had a vas before we met and we didn't want any."
Most people are well-mannered enough to stop there, but the occasional Nosey Parker will press further. "Why?"
I usually reply, "I'd rather not talk about it," and walk away.
What I really want to do is ask, "Why did you have kids?"
It's a question most people can't answer very easily. It's a question every single fertile member of society should ask themselves when contemplating parenthood.
The usual answer is "I wanted them." Close second is "I just love children." Those are valid and honest answers, but they don't tell me what you, the individual have to offer a child you'd bring into the world. If I have to, I can give you solid reasons why I should not be a parent, including medical ones, because I spent a lot of time thinking about it before I made the choice not to.
Allow me to rephrase the question. "What can you offer a child that would make you a good parent? What do you bring to the table that would help you to raise that child as a kind, caring productive member of society?"
A lot of people would tell you that they have experience working with kids and have the patience and compassion to be good parents. That they recognize the awesome responsibility that comes with parenthood, and plan to make their children the most important part of their life. When asked in an interview what he most wanted to be remembered for, George Lucas said, "Being a good father."
Another large group of people just get pissed that you dared to ask the question. This group, more often than not, includes the people who felt it was perfectly okay to ask me why I didn't have children.
It's been my experience that there are two types of people who are childless. The first group is infertile and either can't or don't want to adopt (I realize adoption is a difficult process and is expensive to boot). The other group is made up of people like me and my friend who have gone through a long, soul-searching process with lots of discussion with our spouses before we decide that parenthood isn't for us. Ideally this process occurs before we marry, because reaching this conclusion after marriage can shatter a relationship if the other spouse desperately wants children.
In my case, I learned from a doctor at age 30 that there were several physiological issues that would make childbearing difficult, though not impossible. I'd probably have several miscarriages. each one later in the pregnancy than the previous one, before I was able to carry to term or at least viability. My first husband and I discussed this at length. We even bought a workbook about to have to not have children. It was extremely helpful, because it had exercises to complete and discuss. We concluded that the risk to my health wasn't worth it and that we were happy without a child. We liked the freedom being a couple gave us. Then there were some health issues. We were both near-sighted, and he'd had asthma as a child and I have allergies to grass and trees. And neither of us were desperate to have a kid. So we decided the childless lifestyle was right for us.
After my first husband's death, I met the man to whom I am now happily married He had had a vas with his ex-wife, who'd had three miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy in three years. He didn't want to risk her life again. We talked about children, and found we were on the same page. I was also 39 years old, not optimal for pregnancy even if we'd wanted children. We've been happy as a couple and a family ever since.
It isn't that we dislike children. We do like them. I prefer them from around 12 and up. I was a good junior high librarian, and some of my kids from that period of my life still stay in touch. I was pretty good with K through 6 in the controlled environment of a school library, but the older kids are the ones I enjoy most. My husband came from a family with an abusive father, and he likes playing with our neighbor's boys (3 and 6), but didn't see the need to have his own. Childless couples usually like kids fine but don't necessarily want any of their own.
What I would like to see is people who choose parenthood putting in as much time and discussion about whether to have children as those of us who choose not to. Some, I know from experience, do talk about it. But I suspect more just assume they'll be parents and never consider any other possibility. Society tells us that we're expected to reproduce, and everything around us, from ads to TV shows to churches, reinforce that idea. Questioning that message puts you swimming against the tide of society. Even asking why people chose to have kids is regarded as off limits--while asking why you didn't is acceptable. Perhaps if people actually thought hard about having children, about what they can offer a child as opposed to what a child can give them, we'd see fewer abused children.
I admire people who are good parents. They have strength and patience and determination and a capacity to love that seems, at times, to be superhuman. And they need those kids, the way they need air. They'd easily lay down their lives for those children.
As I told a friend of mine who is a SAH Mom when she unexpectedly became pregnant with a third child at 41, "You're having one of the two we didn't have." And as she said, that child was unplanned but not unwanted. They're not perfect people. Both she and her husband had troubled families growing up. They've wrestled with their devils and beaten them. And they knew why they wanted children and what they.
I want every child born to be wanted and loved as much as their three are. Which is why I want people who assume they'll have kids because everyone does to examine that premise and look at what they have to give a child, not what the child can give them.
This doesn't mean they have to be rich. I've known parents who had 10 kids who lived in a three bedroom row house who sent every child with the ability to benefit from it to college. They were working class, but they were excellent parents and every kid was wanted.
It doesn't mean you have to come from a perfect Leave It to Beaver family either. As I said above, my friends are terrific parents and their family lives growing up were less than ideal.
What matters is the ability to love unconditionally and to communicate that to the child at every age, and the willingness to sacrifice without complaint. That is what I wish for every child born into this world.