While Bill enjoys a well-deserved Labor Day off, Awards Edition Plus and your humble diarist, OtherBill™ in Portland, Maine brings you:
Cheers and Jeers: Awards Edition Plus Unionbusters! Edition in which we will award the Golden Douchenozzle Award for the unionbustiest politician. There are quite a few deserving nominees....plus News of Dubious Veracity Department and a special Labor Day editorial by the General Manager of the Golden Douchenozzle Factory (located just behind the Burnham and Morrill baked bean plant) here in Portland, Lenin Cat.
So follow me over the divider-doodle and let's have some fun: the Cesspool of Snark is open!.
AEP Guest Editorial
by Lenin Cat
Time To Make The Douchenozzles
As this is Labor Day, and BiPM and AEP Managing Editor Sirius the Cat are both taking a well-deserved rest, Commonmass has asked me to write a few thoughts on labor. When Commonmass asked me to manage the douchenozzle factory, Irrigation Solutions, Inc., I have to admit that I was more than a little skeptical. "Why, in general", I thought, "would he want an old Bolshevik like me managing his workers? Doesn't he know I'd collectivize them at once?" After a few minutes of conversation, however, everything became clear: Commonmass believes strongly in workers' rights and the right of labor to organize. Everyone, including management, has a right to join the union--why management, too? Because Irrigation Solutions, Inc is owned and managed collectively by all of the workers. Yes, different people have different responsibilities when it goes to detail, but everyone shares the responsibility for the success of the venture and everyone shares equally in the profits. It's not a workplace, or a factory, it's a collective. Now that is something I can get behind 100 percent.
Everyone has health insurance, workman's comp, paid vacation, sick leave, maternity/paternity leave, continuing education time and the factory will even help out with tuition for furthering a worker's education. The factory has its own pre-school and kindergarten, provided free of charge, with qualified teachers and aides to help those workers for whom child care might be too expensive or difficult to coordinate with their schedules. There's even child care provided for third shift! At the Factory, we all come together to see to it that it's not a burden for the parents of young children to come to work or to take a night school class.
Everyone-workers and management alike, Commonmass too--owns an equal share of the business and is paid an equal wage for equal work, with periodic bonuses paid for outstanding production. Dangerous work, tedious work and work which interfaces with the public (such as receptionists, customer service and salespersons) receive a slight salary advantage over lower management, in fact. Bonuses are awarded in what I call an inverted triangle: those who actually produce the product are issued the largest bonuses, and management receives the smallest, as they realize that without the worker on the line, none of us would have any job at all. No manager may make more than three times the yearly salary of the lowest-paid worker. In reality, the wage discrepancy between the lowest paid worker and Commonmass is miniscule--the equal profit-taking and the bonuses make up for that.
Now, I know what you're thinking: not every business can be run as some kind of utopian Communist collective. You'd probably be right. However, even in less-than-utopian circumstances, there's a lot of things that can be done to help workers--starting with the right to organize. For some reason (greed and meanness, mostly) there are a lot of political types out there who are aggressively going after organized labor, especially in the public employee and teacher sphere. We'll get to meet some of them later in this diary. I think this is a wrong-headed and regressive approach. Unionized workers are more productive, have greater dignity, and are healthier than workers who are treated as disposable wage-slaves (which is precisely how many businesses and the politicians they have purchased think of them). Concentrating profits and bonuses at the top on the backs of the health, welfare, safety and dignity of workers has become a socially acceptable approach to running a business. This must not be allowed to gain any more ground in this nation. It is time for us all to stand up for the rights and dignity and wages of all workers. It's time for the workers of this nation to unite, and to say "hell no" to wage slavery and diseased profit taking. Organize, organize, organize!
The President Speaks, the Boehner Weeps
In my C&J post last Thursday, it occurred to me that the Congressional leadership's refusal to allow the President of the United States of America and the Leader of the Free World to address a joint session of congress on the same day as a (rodeo clown parade) Republican primary debate might have been a good thing. See, instead of being up against (Whackadoodle Dandies) the GOP debates, the POTUS would be up against the first game of the NFL season, and that got me to thinking: there's not much of a difference between the speech and the game...
Football Game
--A bunch of over-built blockheads roughing each other up to achieve a goal.
--Lots of butt-slapping of team mates.
--Lots of screaming, drunken fans.
--Guys in plaid jackets talking incessantly over the game, telling you things that are obvious to anyone actually watching the game.
--The next day, sports commentators deconstruct the game and tell you how it should have been played.
Presidential Speech before a Joint Session
--President speaks before a bunch of blockheads who rough each other (and the President) up to achieve a goal.
--Lots of butt-slapping of congressional pages.
--Lots of screaming, drunken Tea Partiers.
--Guys in Brooks Brothers suits talking incessantly over the speech, telling you things that would be obvious if they would just shut up and let you listen.
--The next day, political commentators deconstruct the speech and tell you what the President should have said.
So, you see, it is totally immaterial that the President's speech has to compete with a football game, and seeing as how there is very little difference between the game and the speech, fans can flip back and forth on their TV dials at will and remain entertained. It's all really very simple.
Speaking of Boehner....
News of Dubious Veracity Department
via the Washington Spade:
Speaker Boehner's Crying Jags Explained
by H.T.M.L'Errore
Washington, D.C. Speaking under the condition of anonymity, a D.C. area proctologist has solved the mystery of House Speaker John Boehner's frequent public crying jags. The doctor told the Spade that Boehner's tears are the result of a chronic condition of his posterior region. "Speaker Boehner suffers from an advanced case of internal and external hemorrhoids, causing constant discomfort", said our source. "This is exacerbated by a venereal condition of the posterior which requires the frequent removal of 'warts'. As a result, the Speaker is in near constant discomfort which can become intense at times, causing him to weep."
Bachmann, O'Donnell and Palin to Settle Differences With Rock, Paper, Scissors
via The Manchester Union Screeder:
Rival Tea Partiers Bachmann, O'Donnell and Palin have decided to settle their differences by playing Rock, Paper, Scissors. After a 90 minute conference call yesterday, the three GOP rivals decided that the winner will get to claw the eyes out of the losers. The duel will be moderated by Anderson Cooper and adjudicated by the cheerleading squad of John Birch High School of Missoula, Montana.
Maine Gov. Paul LePage to Oppose Civil Unions:
Even if Marriage Equality Referendum Passes, LePage Will Press Legislature to Oppose Civil Union Bills for All Couples
via the Kennebec Democrat-Republican:
Augusta, ME: Governor Paul LePage told business leaders last week that regardless of the success or failure of marriage equality activists to pass a referendum reversing the people's veto on same-sex marriage that he would oppose all efforts for establishing "civil unions" in Maine. Speaking to the South Paris Chamber of Commerce last Wednesday, the Governor said: "I think Civil Unions are a greater danger to our State than gay marriage. The term Civil Union itself is dangerous, because it brings to mind things which we must eradicate if Maine is to remain open for business: civility, public employees, and organized labor...
You Can't Make This Sh*t Up Department
Presidential aspirant Mitt Romney is asserting that career politicians can't solve the nation's problems. Well, Mittens, I guess politics must be the only profession in the world where being an amateur is a plus. The freshman GOP'ers are certainly proving this to be true. So, Mitt, here's a suggestion: when you get sick, go to an amateur physician. When you get into legal trouble, hire an amateur attorney. When your car breaks down, hire an amateur mechanic, and when you need to clean up your finances, hire an amateur accountant. Get back to me, Mittens, and tell me how that's working for you, 'cause everyone knows that when it comes to important things like governing the country, ignorant dilettantes are exactly who we need to come to the rescue.
According to National Public Radio, Sarah Palin offers no clues on presidential ambitions. Of course she doesn't--she doesn't have a clue to offer.
Commercial Break
This edition of Cheers and Jeers: Awards Edition Plus is brought to you by:
Moxie Makes Mainers Mighty!
And now, without further ado, the Golden Douchenozzle Award!
The Golden Douchenozzle Award is given by Awards Edition Plus to those politicians and other public figures for rank hypocrisy and general asshattery. Today's GDN award is given, in honor of Labor Day, for union busting and related chicanery. The winner will be determined by secret ballot: the Cheers and Jeers Poll. Here are...
The Nominees:
Paul LePage. I hardly need to spell out our Governor's record on unions, especially not after Muralgate this spring, when he removed a mural depicting labor in Maine from the lobby of.....the Department of Labor. If you're interested, though, Kossack maineprogressiveswarehouse has a very detailed diary on the subject here where, among other things, it is pointed out that the Gov. failed to mention labor in his Labor Day address this weekend. The Governor, a recipient of multiple GDN awards, now wants to create a government agency to--get this--increase government efficiency. I love these small government types, how they like to try to shrink government by expanding it. Paul LePage: a class A douchenozzle.
Scott Walker. Do I really have to say any more?
John Kasich. SB 5, the Governor's wet dream removing collective bargaining rights from pubic workers, is up for a citizen's veto. Kasich, however, like LePage, wants to set up a non-profit board to reach out to business which would be beyond public scrutiny and the open meetings law. Like Walker and LePage, union busting+secrecy=WIN for exploitative employers.
Clarence Thomas. Justice Thomas and his batshit crazy wife are no friends of unions. An excellent article on the Justice in the recent New Yorker Magazine debunks the myth that Thomas is a cypher on the court and asserts that he, even more than Alito and Scalia, is the real drive behind the "originalist" interpretation of the Constitution. Should an important case regarding labor come before the court, we can probably bet on the Justice to have a hand in a decision damaging to the rights of workers. I have to say though, I was very disappointed that this otherwise excellent article failed to answer the question that has been lingering for 20 years: who put a pubic hair on the Justice's Coke?
Rahm Emanuel. Apparently, Rahm is busy in Chicago busting the teachers' union. As he is a Democrat, this makes Rahm extra-wicked-douchey.
Rick Perry. Texas may be a right-to-work state and generally hostile to unions, but Gov. Goodhair is running for President and certainly would not be union-friendly. His antipathy for workers was best explained by the Gov. himself: basically, he feels that workers should have just enough education to be able to perform tasks but not so much that they might question their circumstances. How classically Southern: these guys always have to have some group that is supposed to know their place and for Perry, clearly that group is workers. It's true--God told him so!
Trader Joe's. I don't know if you have one of these nifty grocery stores near you, but we have one in Portland. Unfortunately, this nifty store turns out not to be so nifty: they refuse to sign a Fair Food Agreement with Florida tomato growers. Douchey, don't ya think? I'll be buying mine at the local farm stand, thank you very much.
There are so many possibilities, I had to choose just a few that stood out to me. Got a nominee? Stick it in the comments. I will be updating the diary at about 10 O'Clock EDT. At that time the nominee with the most votes in the poll will be awarded one of our union-made Golden Douchenozzles from our little collective. Don't forget to vote!
So, what are you cheering and jeering about today? Floor's open! Happy Labor Day!
Shameless Testimonial: a picture is worth a thousand words...
A worker at Irrigation Solutions, Inc.
7:29 AM PT: Update: According to the Poll, Scott Walker wins the Golden Douchenozzle Award. However, since the factory production has been above normal in anticipation of the Labor Day holiday, we are happy to announce that each of the nominees will be receiving their own Golden Douchenozzle. Thank you all for voting!