Ever since I was a little boy, I had a couple of dreams:
1.) Get rich.
2.) Fly the Millenium Falcon.
I guess I figured that Dream #1 could get me Dream #2 (as that cat who runs the Virgin empire aptly illustrates) or, alternately, Dream #2 could get me Dream #1 (being the ship that made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs).
Either way, I felt those dreams were obtainable. Because in Han Solo, I found a kindred spirit. Finally, science-fiction provided a hero who looked like me (which is to say scruffy-looking)!
Han Solo suffered, and through him, my own suffering was finally acknowledged.
He was frozen in carbonite! (A kindergarten bully once shoved my face in a snowbank.)
He suffered from hibernation sickness and went blind! (I suffered from hangover sickness, after getting blind drunk.)
A tribe of savage primitives making incomprehensible noises once captured him! (I was forced to watch Fox News while visiting my parents.)
But despite all these setbacks; despite an entire galaxy of shitheads sithheads coming after him, he still managed to prevail, and look cool doing it.
Until George Lucas fucked with his legacy, and in doing so, fucked with mine.
You know exactly what I'm going to say, don't you? You knew before you jumped past the squiggle to lightspeed. And I promise not to disappoint:
HAN. SHOT. FIRST.
On the other hand, maybe you DIDN'T know what I was going to say. Maybe you're not familiar with my generation's next best thing to Shakespeare (that's right; I went there). Alright. School's in session.
Exhibit A is an original clip from the 1977 edition of 'Star Wars' (Episode IV, A New Hope, or what-have-you):
http://www.youtube.com/...
Notice the smooth embodiment of the anti-hero that this clip provides. He's Han Solo: willing to shoot a punk motherfucker in cold blood, rather than get jumped himself. Rules? What rules? It's kill or be killed, in THIS dojo.
And now, with a shake of my head, I give you Exhibit B. A piece of revisionist history, perpetrated on Han Solo by a bearded and flanneled Leni Riefenstahl who sought to lighten Solo's shades of grey, so as to sell more toys to kids:
http://www.youtube.com/...
I won't even get into the not-so-special effects that it took to pull off this act of whitewashing that features in the 20th anniversary Special Edition of the film. That simple act of film editing turned Han Solo from something special, into something all-too-mundane.
And in the eyes of others (for instance, Firefly fans) it turns me into someone who needs his smuggler captain's ethics spelled out in simple, easy-to-digest terms. I IDENTIFY with Solo, man! His history is my history! His distinct 70's sideburns are MY distinct 70's sideburns! And when someone takes a shot at him, calling him wishy-washy or weak, I feel as if, perhaps, they're calling ME wishy-washy or weak.
Maybe you think I should get over it. But I can't. There's an up-and-coming generation of Star Wars fans who know nothing of Han shooting first. And so, over the years, I've taken my pride, and I've taken my anger, and I've turned to the messageboards over at 'starwars.com', where a small cadre of like-minded fans continue to preach the gospel of Han Shooting First, even when beset on all sides by muckrakers, and shit-stirrers, and Han Haters.
Let me give you just a taste of the sort of no-holds-barred action that used to go on over there:
Look: Lucas owns the franchise. (+8/ 0-)
For better or for worse, if he says Solo is a lame White Hat, then Solo is a lame White Hat. It makes Anakin look that much darker in the prequels.
by slinkerwookie on Mon Sep 5, 2011 at 01:22:57 PM EDT
Fuck you, wook. (+2/ 5-)
You just can't come to grips with the fact that the prequels suck. Pathetic. But I guess that's what I should come to expect from a dumbass Gunganlover like yourself.
by padawan2u on Mon Sep 5, 2011 at 01:25:43 PM EDT
You may note that I said this is the sort of exchange that USED TO take place there. And that's because, recently, there was a purge of sorts. An 'Order 67' if you will.
It seems we've invested a lot into the character of Han Solo. Perhaps too much. The REAL fans? We see all sorts of similarities between Solo and Self. But the fact of the matter is that he lives in a galaxy far, far away, while we live in an apartment on the corner of Mundane and Muggle (that's right: I'm mixing my sci-fi and fantasy metaphors; deal with it).
Perhaps we see it as a personal attack, when someone goes after that nerf-herding son-of-a-bitch (even though it isn't). And perhaps we return the favor with a personal-attack of our own. And perhaps THAT'S why a majority of us were kicked off the 'starwars.com' message boards (as opposed to the rumors that Lucasfilm wants to produce a TV show featuring a friendly-family Han, and doesn't need people like us muddying the waters).
But if I thought that way, I guess I'd just be conceding that Greedo shot first, and that's a bridge too far for any self-respecting 'Star Wars' fan. So fuck it. I can go a week without 'starwars.com'. I can go TWO weeks, if need be.
In fact, just to show I'm not playing around? Delete my fucking account, (lu)Cas!
UPDATE: What? You thought this was snark? Halloween, 2003. Me and the future Mrs. Corporate Dog:
That look on my face? In retrospect, I'm thinking it's one part inebriation, one part constipation, and one part chewing on glass shards. Yikes.