WARNING! This post includes discussion about sex. If you are afraid of sex, too young or too uptight to discuss it, DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER. Simply click the link conveniently provided at the end of this sentence for quick e-transport to an all-ages-friendly site. GET ME OUT OF HERE!
Okay, now that the kids and humour-deprived are gone, we can talk.
THE PROBLEM
Jerks at large (primarily politicians) are very concerned with our private sex lives. Religious extremist Rick Santorum is the first name that comes to my mind, but there are countless others.
This manic obsession with what consenting adults are doing in the privacy of their own home affects policy, distracts from worthwhile concerns (such as poverty, the environment, etc.) and has many other negative side effects.
None of this is news to one as wise as yourself.
And surely you have considered the obvious, yet still-unanswered rhetorical questions for the sex police:
1. If you really think America stands for freedom, why do you care what happens in the privacy of someone's bedroom between two consenting adults?
2. If you're really for small government, why do you want the government spying in people's bedrooms?
3. If you really believe in Jesus why are you such a jerk?
Etc. Etc. Etc. A thousand times, et cetera. And that's the problem. We're getting nowhere. So our goal here is to make them stop. Can we end this silliness once and for all? Or, since trying to stop someone with OCD as intense as the sex-police have is impossible, can we have a good time mocking these self-appointed sex-police?
PROPOSED ACTION
Since these individuals want to know so bad, let's tell them. I propose we select one (or many, or all) of these voyeurs and contact him or her on a daily basis (or more frequently) with an update on our most recent sexual adventures.
The objective will be to bury this overbearing, nosy jerk in an avalanche of tweets, faxes, letters, and calls. You want to monitor our sex lives so bad? We'll help you!
Examples:
1. Hi I just had sex last night. Nothing special, vanilla. It was okay.
2. Just calling to let the senator know, I'm a man and my boyfriend and I had sex.
3. My girlfriend and I had sex to celebrate our fifth anniversary. No procreation probably, but you never know.
et cetera
The updates don't have to be real, of course. Note It may be wise to keep them non-graphic so as not to expose oneself to an obscure charge of indecent communication. It seems the more antiseptic updates are somehow more annoying, too. Isn't that what a sex-cop wants? Just the facts?
Obviously this is non-violent, so that's good, but I'm not sure it's civil disobedience, rather I think of it as hyper-obedience. Can I get a civic ju-jitsu?
FAQ:
Q: Ongoing or no end date? One or multiple targets?
A: For starters, probably seems a good idea to select one target for one day, just to start.
Q: How? Calls, tweets, Faxes?
A: Letters take too long for a one-day barrage, and what loser faxes unless they absolutely have to? Seems Twitter, email, phone calls and texts would be the best. You could even report in hourly (or DURING (!!!) for extra points!)
Q What do we call this activity?
A This could use some interesting net-jargon name, such as SEX-REPORTING. As in, "Let's all 'SEX-REPORT' to Michele Bachmann on November 10!"
Obviously Rick Santorum seems a fun target for this project. In fact, I've already updated him via this tweet: "@RickSantorum @DanSavage83 Mr.Santorum - do u want updates on our sex lives daily or hourly? Plz advise. No sex last nite 4me btw. #p2 #ows"
But Ricky has already been successfully embarrassed for this stupidity (his name) so while he seems the obvious choice to start with, there are no shortage of other sex-police in power from which to choose from.
Discuss, brainstorm, refine, implement and/or ignore this idea as you see fit. You are free.
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Larry Nocella writes the blog ROFL: Random Outbursts From Lar! at LarryNocella.com. He's the author of the novel Where Did This Come From? The world's first CarbonFree(R) novel according to Carbonfund.org. The book is available as an Amazon Kindle eBook. It is also available for reading online. P.S. You don't need a Kindle to read Kindle eBooks. Download the FREE Kindle app for PC, Mac and smartphones. You can then purchase Kindle books or download free ones. Enjoy!