(Cross-posted to State of the Skies)
So you have to make a sensational snow report to amp up your station's ratings, eh? I've got a few tips for you. Follow these five simple steps and you'll be rolling in advertising money and keep viewers hanging on your every cliché.
Step 1: Think up a snazzy nickname to draw in viewers/readers.
You can't report on a storm unless it has a terrifying nickname that spells imminent doom to all in its path. Remember Snowmageddon? Snowpocalypse? SnOMG? Snowlyshit? Snomageddon II Electric Boogaloo? All awesome names, but they're getting old. Time to move on to more creative ventures:
Snowtober!
No-no-no-vember!
Decimatember!
Jannihilatanury!
Februgeddon!
Marchaos!
Apeshitril!
Step 2: Send someone out to a busy overpass.
Even before the white hell starts falling, go out to a highway overpass and stand on the shoulder like an idiot. Make sure there's sand or gravel so you have something to kick around during your liveshot. When it starts snowing, look exasperated as you point down to the one car below and talk about how absolutely awful it could be if a hypothetical amount of precipitation occurs during a potentially hellish rush hour three or four days from now.
Bonus if you talk like Pat Collins from DC's NBC 4. He could make flurries sound like the Kennedy Assassination.
Step 3: Graphics, Graphics! I want the seizures from the graphics!
Make as many ominous graphics as possible. You know the ones...the whole screen goes black, there's a slow orchestral buildup of emotion then WHAM! -- you splash to blue, splash to red, then intertwine and mingle them with each other giving way to a massive swooping gold lettered text boldy stating BLIZZARD 2011: THE BEGINNING. A Gregorian chant should start as you flash pictures of cars getting stuck, old ladies shoveling snow, and migrant workers spreading salt on city streets. This all cuts to the angst-ridden anchors who breathlessly read off school and street closings.
And for God's sake, don't forget the bridge overpass report!
Step 4: Interviews.
To get the maximum ratings from your snow coverage, you have to show at least four interviews.
First Interview: This has to be a woman, preferably over age 40, who hates snow. Get her to say something like "I hate it! I haaaaaate it! I miss spring! Hahaha!"
Second Interview: Then, cut to a non-white man (African-American, Hispanic, Asian, etc.) driving a vehicle. Have him say he hates the snow as well, and it's making his day difficult.
Third Interview: This is where you put footage of the laid-back businessman or businesswoman who has somewhere to go, but is enjoying the snow anyway. They love life, and give viewers hope.
Fourth Interview: Go find a hill in a neighborhood and interview cute toothless 5 year olds about the snow. Make sure a group of them start cheering and say "WE LOOOOVE SNOOWWWW!" That's a ratings lock right there.
Step 5: Rounding Out The Coverage
Reiterate snow totals, school closings and traffic accidents. Say that you either dodged a bullet or just experience meteorological history. Say that you'll be on air at some ungodly hour of the morning because you care about the viewer. After the news, cut to 20 minutes of Ford 4x4, Home Depot and Campbell's Soup commercials.
Feel free to add your own touches into the story, but this is what you need to guide us through the white death falling from the sky.