Breaking news from the Globe and Mail:
Texas governor Rick Perry made headlines when he recently cited a quote from "Jeremy", a supposed 38-year-old protester at Occupy Toronto.
[Sadly] "Jeremy" exists only in the mind of writer Mark Schatzker, who contributes a weekly satire column for The Globe and Mail. But we won't let that stand in the way of a good tale. So here is Jeremy, back by popular demand, reflecting on his new found infamy.
Follow the continuing story of your favorite (or favourite, where required by English-only laws) non-existent Occupier, as he travels a path from rags to riches, from the Frozen North to God's Own Country, Texas.
And if all y'all don't want to click through to the article - or wait for Rick Perry to summarize it for you in his next speech - check out excerpts below the fold. Cheers!
At first...
It only emboldened me. I swore off red meat, grew even stragglier facial hair, and burned the remaining few dollars I had (except the coins—they won’t light for some reason).
But wait! In the end...
So I hitchhiked south to Texas, a state that knows the value of greed. I got a job picking fruit. At first it was hand to mouth—literally. I would pick fruit and then put it in my mouth.
But by lunch I had made more money than I ever had in my life— nine dollars. I invested it in a Goldman Sachs credit default swap that shorted Greece. Suddenly nine dollars was $900,000.
I put that into a plot of land up in the Texas Panhandle, and a very close friend of mine in the state senate was kind enough to change the zoning laws. Now I’m proud to see it’s one of the state’s fastest-growing garbage dumps/prisons.
And the moral is...
Life is funny. One week you’re part of the 99 per cent, the next week you’re in the one per cent. What’s the difference? Hard work. And maybe just a little bit of greed. I guess Rick Perry was right.
So remember, you heard it here first!