You would have to be a very long-term reader of my own personal blog to remember an old acquaintance of mine that I call SCOTT. We're not really friends, mostly because he hates everything I stand for; I tend to be somewhat left of center on the political spectrum, while he is happiest cruising the extreme far right. For those Kossacks who have never heard of him, I call him SCOTT because he doesn't like to be mentioned by name in print; it stands for Social Conservative Opposed to Truth. I hadn't seen him in months, but then I bumped into yesterday while both of us were finishing up some last-minute shopping.
"Merry Christmas, SCOTT," I said when I saw him in the aisles of our local dollar store (who can afford Wal-mart, in this economy?).
"What do you mean, 'Merry Christmas'?" he demanded. It was obvious that I had already irritated him.
"I don't mean anything," I replied. "It's the holiday season. I know you and I disagree on a lot of issues, but that doesn't mean we can't be pleasant, especially this time of year."
"I don't need to be pleasant to you, at this time or any other time," he said. "I'm sure Christmas is all well and good for your kind, but I want nothing to do with it."
SCOTT has a way of getting me riled up, even when I know I shouldn't. Despite the holiday season and the bright and festive store displays, I began to get a little hot under the collar. "'My kind'?" I asked. I took a firmer grip on my shopping cart in case I needed to use it to defend myself.
"Yes, your kind," SCOTT said. "All of you liberals love Christmas, and why not? It's exactly the kind of thing you would. Conservatives see it for what it really is."
I could tell he was working up to another rant, but I couldn't help myself. "And what is it, then?"
He moved his cart alongside mine, so the two of us were blocking the aisle. "It's a Socialist plot, and you know it."
"What, Christmas? Come on, SCOTT. Even for you, that's going a bit far, isn't it?"
"Think about it," he said. "A bunch of people make lists for the gifts they want and distribute them to their families and friends. Even if they don't make a list, they expect their families and friends to get them a Christmas present anyway."
I shrugged. "And?"
"And that's Socialism, you commie freak!" SCOTT shouted, causing another shopper to decide to choose a different aisle. "What have these people done to deserve this largesse? Have they worked for these gifts? No! And yet every year they expect a handout, just because we reach a certain place on the calendar! It's nothing but an entitlement program wrapped in garland and twinkling lights -- Bah! Humbug!"
One thing about SCOTT -- as much as he sometimes makes me angry, I always begin to feel better when I let him talk. So I smiled to myself, there in the dollar store. "Okay, I admit the gifts can get to be a bit much," I said. "But I really don't see the harm in it. It's not much more than a time-honored tradition. I mean, especially for the kids, it's supposed to be a bit of fun -- you know, Santa Claus and Ho-Ho-Ho?"
"That's the worst part of it!" SCOTT shot back, his voice only becoming louder. "That's bad on so many levels! The kids are supposed to make a Christmas list and send it to Santa. And what does Santa bring them? Exactly what's on their list! What a horrible example. Why in the world should he give in to the demands of four-year-olds? Just to keep them docile? Conservatives have a word for that -- we call it appeasement."
"Oh, come on--"
"I'm not finished! Even without the appeasement angle this is a horrible idea. All it does is prepare young children to get handouts their whole lives. You liberals laugh and sing and take pictures of your kids sitting on Santa's lap -- you can, because you know your plan is working. All of your work to get your kids to believe in Santa and expect presents under the tree is Socialist indoctrination."
"Really, SCOTT--"
"What color is his suit, smart guy?" SCOTT asked, his nose only inches from mine. "And what color was chosen by Communist Russia? Huh? Answer that one for me!"
"Okay, you know what? Let's just calm down a second," I said. "I've already agreed that the gift-giving can be a bit much. We obviously have different views on the damage it's doing, but let's agree to disagree on that. Besides, the gifts aren't what's important, they're just the window dressing. For Christians, it's a time of immense religious significance. You're a conservative -- can't you at least appreciate it as the date of Jesus' birth?"
"He's the worst of all."
I took a step back, shocked. "Who is? Jesus?" I couldn't believe my ears. I knew enough to know that SCOTT was an avid church-goer. "I thought you were a Christian."
"I am a Christian, but I'm a conservative Christian. We like Old Testament God -- He was more of a 'Do this or I'll punish you' kind of guy. We don't appreciate all the liberal hippie crap that starts up once Jesus comes on the scene."
"Really? SCOTT, I had no idea -- do other conservatives feel like this?"
"Of course, you idiot. Think about it. Jesus was a guy who had no job except to walk around preaching in a pair of sandals. What does that get us? All those liberal freaks at UC-Berkeley or Madison or other places wandering around in their Birkenstocks, and all those smelly unwashed Occupiers saying 'Blessed are the meek' and crap like that. I say screw the meek -- the meek are there to be exploited by the job-creators. And if they don't like it, tough. What are they going to do about it, anyway? They're the meek!
"And He's a Socialist," SCOTT continued, really warming to his subject now. "Think of all the things he did while he was alive. The feeding of the 5000? Entitlement program. Those people had done nothing to deserve that meal. There's no such thing as a free lunch, but there is if you follow Jesus, apparently. Then He went around healing the sick -- did he ever get paid for that? No! That's free healthcare, and as a conservative I'm opposed to it on principle.
"Then there's all the catchy phrases," SCOTT went on. "'Love Thy Neighbor' and 'Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.' There's no profit in that! How does the average working man expect to get ahead? Oh, that's right -- they don't expect to get ahead; they expect the government to pay their way."
"But listen, SCOTT," I broke in to say. "I mean, it's been while since I've been to church, but Jesus died for the sins of all mankind. Isn't that supposed to be a good thing?"
"Handout!" SCOTT screamed. "Did you ask to have your sins forgiven? Did you work to have your sins forgiven? What did you do to deserve to have your sins forgiven? It's the biggest entitlement program of all! You and your Socialist friends can keep your Christmas, with your appeasement and your handouts and your Jesus, and your gifts and your tinsel and your goodwill toward men. I don't want any part of it."
"Well, if you say so," I said. "Can I least wish you a Happy New Year?"
At that, SCOTT seemed to calm down. "Yes. Yes, all right, you can. And it will be a Happy New Year, because in 2012 that Socialist Obama will be voted out of the White House. Happy New Year to you, too, you hippie liberal."
With that, SCOTT pushed his cart away from mine, and I went over to the giftwrap aisle, since I still needed to wrap all my handouts. Sometimes I wonder if old acquaintances really should be forgotten.
A slightly-altered version of this previously appeared at the author's personal blog, www.bangthebuckets.com. Happy holidays, everybody.