From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE
2011: The Thrilling Conclusion!
It's almost over! It's first and goal! Time to spike the pink slips, food stamps, pepper-spray canisters and foreclosure notices in the end zone. 2011 is about to become an ex-year.
It was, um…oh, let's be charitable and call it a rebuilding year. One thing I know for sure: without all the Republican obstruction and pettiness, we'd be ending the year in noticeably better shape. But…no. Until they control every single lever of power, you'll get no apple pie or white picket fence unless your net worth is in seven figures and your hobby is stuffing and mounting politicians' souls.
But, man, if you point this year at a funhouse mirror, you could die from laughing. Sometimes I think we're just God's little sea monkeys, scurrying around and bonkin' ourselves on the head for Her amusement. That's cool with me, I guess. Why not? It sure beats being a dust particle on Pluto (at least from what the dust particles on Pluto tell me at night---chatty bunch).
Kurt Vonnegut SPOILER ALERT: "So it goes."
Anyway. Below the fold is the thrilling conclusion---October through five minutes ago---of our flashback series, 2011: Is It 2012 Yet? As we await the descent of the giant ball in Times Square, all the writers, editors, gaffers, key grips, fuzzy critters and caterers at C&J wish you a festive weekend and a tolerable 2012, stuffed with cash, pie, basic sanitation and lots of warm 'n fuzzy gettingalongness.
Cheers and Jeers goes back yonder below the fold... [Swoosh!!] Right now! [Gong!!]
Note: C&J will be off Monday and Tuesday in early observance of Easter. We'll emerge from our caucus-proof bunker on Wednesday to congratulate Jon Huntsman on his stunning come-from-way-the-fuck-behind victory in Iowa. Happy New Year!
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By the Numbers: C&J poll results from October through December, 2011
Percent who are following the Occupy Wall Street movement closely or somewhat closely as of early October: 74%
Percent who believe the ideas of the Occupy movement or the tea party movement, respectively, will help the poor and middle class the most: 92%, 3%
Percent who think the "super committee" is nothing but a waste of everybody's time: 81%
Percent who think MSNBC should dump Pat Buchanan for his overtly racist and bigoted opinions: 91%
Percent who think the eviction of Occupy protesters will ultimately make the movement stronger: 77%
Percent who are following the economic calamity in Europe "a lot" or "somewhat," respectively: 20%, 54%
Percent who support the STOCK Act, which would forbid Congresscritters from using inside information they get through their official duties to make personal investment decisions: 98%
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Puppy Pic of the Day: One more faceplant for auld lang Zzzzzzzyne
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Cheers and Jeers 2011 Flashback: October
Saying "Now is not my time," Chris Christie bows out of the GOP race, crushing the hopes and dreams of Ann Coulter and the entire tea party crowd. Or, as liberals call it, the greatest day ever.
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Bank of America imposes new $5 monthly fees on customers just to use their debit card. Other charges now in effect: $2 every time you use your debit card to scrape ice off your windshield and $4 to use it to remove your "Christie in 2012" bumper sticker.
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Kossack Jesse LaGreca (aka MinistryOfTruth here) becomes one of the most visible figures in the Zuccotti Park occupation, leading to this moment on The Daily Show:
Clip of LaGreca speaking to a Fox News reporter at the NYC protest site: After thirty years of having our living standards decreased while the wealthiest one percent have had it better than ever, I think it's time for maybe, I dunno, some participation in our democracy.
Jon Stewart: "Damn! That motherfucker brought game!"
A star is born.
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Apple founder Steve Jobs dies at 56. He was simultaneously a hot-tempered control freak and a genius who found the nexus of simplicity, usefulness and giddy fun in communications technology. His last words as he lay dying of pancreatic cancer: "Oh Wow. Oh Wow. Oh Wow." Opinions vary on what he means, but most people take it as a sign that they've already introduced the iPhone 5 in the hereafter.
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Former half-term governor Sarah Palin runs once again from a life of public service by ruling out a presidential run. She says she called on the almighty to help guide her decision, but bowed out when God's machine kept picking up.
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The latest GOP debate is so unmemorable that Frank Luntz's focus group agrees that the highlights were, "Everybody kept their clothes on" and "Nobody wandered off into the woods." Winner: any GOP candidate who wasn't there.
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In Chile, the first pics from the new Atacama Large Millimeter/Submillimeter Array (ALMA) telescope are published. The telescope peers into the universe's darkest and coldest regions. Scientists say they knew it would be a hit when their early prototype successfully mapped Dick Cheney's soul.
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The 99% movement kicks off week 5 with protests around the world. As the movement doubles in size every week, the media obsesses over OWS's lack of specific policy positions, think tanks, detailed drafts of legislation for introduction to congressional subcommittees, and larger-than life messiahs to lead the movement and provide pithy soundbites. The best protest sign yet: "We're here! We're unclear! Get used to it!"
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The Martin Luther King, Jr. Memorial is officially dedicated on the National Mall. It's nice to have a monument to someone not connected with the violence of war. And if I may say: "Aretha Franklin for President in 2016.
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Someone hacks into Sesame Street's You Tube page and replaces the content with porn, forcing it to be taken offline. Users suspect something's amiss when one video is titled, Big Bird and Cookie Monster agree on a "safe word."
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Herman Cain says that when he's president he’ll build a high-voltage fence along the U.S./Mexico border: “It’s going to be 20 feet high. It’s going to have barbed wire on the top. It’s going to be electrified. And there’s going to be a sign on the other side saying, It will kill you." Mexico responds: "Hey, if it keeps you wackos out of our country, fine."
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During GOP debate #323, Michele Bachmann says there are "too many magnets in this country." Attendees say they find it an attractive argument.
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After a botched escape attempt from his hometown of Hometown, Muammar Ghaddafi is found crouching in a culvert and, after getting beat up and paraded around on the hood of a jeep by his captors, is shot in the head. After a few days of public display in a meat locker, he's quietly buried in the desert. Technically it's a "secret grave," but it becomes pretty obvious where it is when people see all the scorpions and rattlesnakes packing their bags and moving to a more respectable neighborhood.
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"Now there's a pushback movement [against Occupy Wall Street]. There's a group called 'The 53%.' These are the people who say 47 percent don't pay any federal taxes. The 53% say they barely get by, but they don't blame the banks. Their slogan is: 'Let's bend over and take it, America!'"
---Bill Maher
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In Sanford, Maine, police discover a catering service's wild swingers parties at a local banquet hall, including private booths, twosomes, threesomes, spanking, planking and see-through booths for voyeurs. Maine's Republican governor expresses outrage, saying that they should stop their nighttime activities and follow his example by screwing people in broad daylight.
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November
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Democrats praise House Republicans for voting to reaffirm the national motto "In God We Trust" because it reminds us all that House Republicans can never be trusted.
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OccupyOakland, joined by unions and other allies, calls a general strike and "mass day of action" that will be visible from space. Protesters are reminded not to hit, spit, whack, smack, kick or punch. The Oakland police aren't.
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The Statue of Liberty celebrates her 125th birthday, and the festivities include the unveiling of the Torchcam. Now you can look out over New York Harbor, read the tablet in Lady Liberty's hand, and look directly down her cleavage. Herman Cain immediately adds the URL to his Favorites folder.
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At the White House, thousands surround the executive mansion to protest the proposed XL tar sands pipeline that would slice the country in two from Canada to the Gulf of Mexico, exposing communities to potential environmental catastrophe. President Obama is on the golf course at the time, doing his best to keep from slicing his Titleist XL into a sand trap, which would expose his scorecard to potential catastrophe. Wild guess: he doesn't catch the "iron"y.
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A quarter-mile-wide asteroid comes within 202,000 miles of Earth. There's no chance that it'll hit us and create a four-mile-deep crater, say scientists during a press conference held in a room four miles and one inch underground.
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President Obama outlines three initiatives to help our veterans find jobs. Republicans call for a bipartisan compromise by outlining zero initiatives to help veterans find jobs.
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In Mississippi, voters surprise the world by soundly rejecting (58%-42%) a ballot measure that would make a miscarriage and birth control tantamount to murder. The losers, who claimed that God was on their side, are strangely silent.
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CNBC is the latest litterbox to collect the shitty ideas of the Republican presidential candidates as they debate again. The theme is supposed to be the economy, but it ends up being more of a murder mystery:
Out of control spending is killing America! (Santorum)
Freddie Mae and Fanny Mac are killing America! (Bachmann)
Uncertainty is killing America! (Cain)
The welfare state is killing America! (Gingrich)
The Federal Reserve is killing America! (Paul)
The successful auto industry bailouts are killing America! (Romney)
Nothing's killing America, really, as long as we enact some finely nuanced policies that…oh, what's the use? Nobody's listening to me anyway. I might as well be speaking Mandarin. Which I can do! Wanna hear me? (Huntsman)
I can't remember what's killing America! It's three things, I think. Sorry. Can't. Oops. (Perry)
The next day, Texas is flooded with sympathy cards.
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The most embarrassing campus protest ever takes place as students at Penn State riot in the streets when they hear that the head coach of a team that plays a game involving the throwing and catching of a ball has been fired for shielding an assistant coach who was literally caught committing acts of pedophilia. They calm down once someone gets the bright idea to look up pedophilia in the dictionary.
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The Supreme Court agrees to hear arguments on the constitutionality of the mandate in the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act. Clarence Thomas is so excited he immediately starts compiling a list of all the questions he won’t bother to ask.
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Good news: A Russian Soyuz rocket successfully launches two cosmonauts and a U.S. astronaut towards the International Space Station. Bad news: a crippled Russian Mars probe filled with 12 tons of toxic rocket fuel fails to make it out of the earth's atmosphere and hangs precariously in low orbit. When Michele Bachmann hears about all that fuel in one place, she immediately tweets: Drill There, Drill Now!
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Mayor Michael Bloomberg sends riot police to clear out protesters from Zuccotti Park with orders to be extra-assholish. Among the supreme jerkitude: a total clampdown on media coverage, which is a blatant violation of the First Amendment. Later a protester sums up the day by telling Keith Olbermann on Countdown: "You can't evict an idea." Responds Bloomberg from his penthouse: "Yet."
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In Europe austerity measures are proving to be an absolute disaster for every country imposing them. In response, they announce a two-part plan: 1) grow the economy by shrinking it with even more severe austerity measures and 2) Pray that the magic beans they bought from a Greek villager grow into money trees.
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Newt Gingrich is caught lobbying conservatives on behalf of Freddie Mac over a six year period. Gingrich says he was simply acting as a "historian." Chris Matthews is so incredulous on Hardball that he proclaims: "[Newt's] not a human being, he's a gaseous state." He later issues an apology. To gaseous states.
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The 99% movement enters its third month of protest by occupying public spaces around the country and working to tackle unemployment and income inequality issues. The tea party movement enters its 30th month of protest by occupying La-Z-Boys around the country and hoping no one notices that they haven't done shit about unemployment and income inequality.
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A jackass with a police badge and a beer belly---Lt. John Pike of campus security---walks up to a line of peaceful student protesters at UC Davis and drains a cannister of pepper spray at point-blank range, providing one more iconic Occupy moment in a movement full of them. Just as vivid is UC Chancellor Linda Katehi's exit from a press conference that becomes a silent walk of shame. Katehi says she's forming a task force to identify who's responsible for letting things spiral out of control. The task force hands her a mirror.
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(the November 23 deadline rolls around and the supercommittee comes up empty big surprise huh)
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The first post-Mubarek elections are held in Egypt with record turnout. Even though the process is just beginning, and the country will go through more votes over the coming months, their campaign season is still shorter than ours by over a year. But in our defense, we get to watch our candidates eat corn dogs.
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"This particular individual"---as GOP candidate Herman Cain describes Ginger White of Atlanta---says Cain had an affair with her that lasted 13 years. Cain races to CNN in damage control mode (actual exchange):
WOLF BLITZER: There was no sex?
CAIN: No.
BLITZER: None?
CAIN: No.
Shortly after the interview, Newt Gingrish issues a one-word statement: "Amateur."
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Mitt Romney cries like a schoolgirl who just got her pigtails pulled after Fox News's Bret Baier asks him some barely-difficult questions about his many flip-flops. It's an astonishing sight: a Fox News anchor doing journalism.
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December
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At a gathering to open up a new Herman Cain for President campaign office, Herman Cain drops out of the GOP race for the presidency to spend more time with his adultery issues. His departing wisdom is as nonsensical as always: "We will move the shining city on the hill back to the hilltop." Immediately after the announcement, Republicans and Democrats fight over who is saddest to see him go.
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The 99% movement enters a new phase by helping homeowners who have been given fraudulent eviction notices to "occupy" their homes. It's a creative and natural extension of the original 99%'er actions, and tailor-made for local and national news outfits. The banks, meanwhile are thrilled with the new "Occupy Our Homes" action. Just like Fox viewers are thrilled to come in contact with facts.
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"[Congressman Joe Walsh is] the man who owes $100,000 to his wife in child support. Then we see that the Family Research Council gave him an award as a 'defender' of the family. And I realized that was a typo. It's clear they hit the wrong key. He is the 'defunder' of the family."
---Rep. Barney Frank to Bill Maher on Real Time. Frank announced that he won't be running for re-election next year.
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At a town hall meeting in Iowa, Michele Bachmann continues her nutty attempt to thread the gay marriage needle by telling a high school student: “They can get married…they can marry a man if they’re a woman or they can marry a woman if they’re a man.” Adds husband Marcus Bachmann: "So, okay, like, what's everyone staring at me for?"
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Santa Claus checks his list: "Gov. Rick Scott? Coal. … Gov. John Kasich? Coal. … Gov. Scott Walker? Coal. … Gov. Paul LePage? Coal. … Gov. Rick Snyder? Coal. …"
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In a historic address before the United Nations in Geneva, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton demands respect for the civil rights of LGBT individuals. Say the GLBT-hating countries in response: "We'll persecute the fags anytime we feel like it….. What's that? You're cutting off our funding? We LOVE the gays!"
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A flock of partridges occupies Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein's pear tree. Mayor Michael Bloomberg resolves the situation by sending in riot police with flamethrowers.
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In a sign that banksters can still fuck things up pretty good, former MF Global CEO Jon Corzine says he doesn’t know where $1.2 billion of customer investments went. But if anyone finds it, he'd appreciate it if they'd give him a jingle at 1-800-WHOOPSIE.
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Responding to a reporter's question about how Republicans are accusing him of "appeasing" terrorists, President Obama says: "Ask Osama bin Laden whether I engage in appeasement." According to my Rosetta Stone English-to-Evil App, "Glug Glug Glug" means "No."
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Another debate makes Factcheck.org's factcheckers cry. The highlight occurs when Mitt Romney tries to make a $10,000 bet with Rick Perry, instantly demonstrating that he's a man in touch with the common millionaire.
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Due to austerity measures, the Five Gold Rings in "The 12 Days of Christmas" are replaced in Europe with three soup can lids.
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A new Mission: Impossible movie opens in theatres. The mission is impossible because it involves a supercommittee.
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At the climate summit in Durban, South Africa, a new pact calls for bold, decisive action in the form of politely asking the world's mega-polluter nations if they'll kindly consider doing something at some point. In response, the mega-polluter nations promise to respond at some point. No, really, they did a pinky swear and everything.
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C&J salutes our choice for favorite headline of the year: Anti-Gay Alabama GOPer Secretly Donated Sperm To Lesbian Couples In New Zealand. Thankfully, there will be no film at 11.
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In Sioux City Iowa, Republican candidates take part in another debate. Herman Cain watches the first three minutes from his basement barcalounger, then flips back to Cinemax.
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Despite neocon chickenhawk fretting that our troops would be sitting ducks for Iraqi terrorists if we ever tried to leave Iraq, American troops complete their withdrawal with no problems:
PRESIDENT OBAMA AT FORT BRAGG: Over the last few months, the final work of leaving Iraq has been done. Dozens of bases with American names that housed thousands of American troops have been closed down or turned over to the Iraqis. Thousands of tons of equipment have been packed up and shipped out. Tomorrow, the colors of United States Forces-Iraq---the colors you fought under---will be formally cased in a ceremony in Baghdad. Then they’ll begin their journey across an ocean, back home. … Iraq’s future will be in the hands of its people. America’s war in Iraq will be over.
AUDIENCE: Hooah!
Meanwhile, John McCain throws a tantrum on the Senate floor, saying how mad he is about the end of the war. After eight years he'll have to start taking Viagra again.
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"Y'know, that's one of the things I like about him. He's been consistent since he changed his mind."
---Christine O'Donnell, endorsing Mitt Romney for president.
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The latest threesome to shuffle off their mortal coils: Christopher Hitchens, former Czech president Vaclav Havel, and, most strikingly, North Korean Dear Leader Kim Jong Il. Power now shifts to his son, Kim Jong Carboncopy.
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The Obama administration's EPA enacts historic new regulations on mercury and acid emissions from coal-fired power plants. Just as freshwater bass were getting used to their sixth eyeball.
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Santa comes early for Democrats on Capitol Hill as Republicans in the House initially fail to pass a payroll tax-cut extension that previously passed the Senate 89-10. In the blink of an eye, President Obama scores a huge win while the GOP finds itself instantly rebranded as the party of tax hikes. Later, Grover Norquist calls the tea party caucus over to his backyard pool, holds up a pair of cement shoes and says, "Who's first?"
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And just one more…
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CHEERS to the kings and queens of the hill. We wouldn’t think of ending 2011 on a sour note. Fact is, there were a lot of winners, and you picked 'em yourself in our prestigious Friday C&J "Who Won the Week?" polls.
The most frequent winners this year were President Obama and the folks behind the Wisconsin uprising---each won eight weeks. It's a big bounce for Obama, who only won twice last year. The Occupy movement crushed the year-end contenders, winning 6 of the last 13 weeks. The Arab Spring revolutions garnered four wins and Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords won three times. Jon Stewart and Elizabeth Warren each won twice.
Otherwise, y'all spread the love around with your characteristic progressive fairness, generosity, and headbone-thinkin'. I was pleasantly gobsmacked when you chose "Republican corn dog porn" back in August. But my favorite of the year is the one you chose 28 days ago: "Emma Sullivan, the Kansas student who refused to apologize to Gov. Sam Brownback over a critical tweet. (Brownback later apologized to her!)"
Here's the list of people you deemed worthy of wearing the white hat of liberty, justice, and do-goodism in the fourth quarter of 2011. Deserving, one and all:
Oct 7 The Occupy Wall Street protestors nationwide, with special shoutout to Kossack MinistryOfTruth, who flummoxed a Fox News reporter and about whom Jon Stewart said: 'That motherfucker brought game!'
Oct 14 The Occupy Wall Street movement---still gaining steam, allies and public support
Oct 21 President Obama, for helping get rid of Ghaddafi and ending the war in Iraq
Oct 28 The Occupy Wall Street movement, which continues to grow—special shoutout to Occupy Oakland, OccupyMARINES, and the health care marchers in NYC
Nov. 4 The Occupy movement—including recovering Marine Scott Olsen, OccupyOakland for its successful general strike, and U.S. District Judge Aleta Trauger for overturning curfew rules in Tennessee
Nov. 11 All the voters—especially in Ohio, Iowa, Maine and Mississippi--who contributed to a very successful Election Day for Democrats…and America
Nov. 18 The 99% Movement, now 2 months young. Special kudos to the Founding Occupiers of Zuccotti Park, 84 yr.-old pepper-spray victim Dorli Rainey, and Makana, who sang a protest song in an Occupy shirt in front of world leaders at the APEC Summit
Nov. 25 None
December 2 Emma Sullivan, the Kansas student who refused to apologize to Gov. Sam Brownback over a critical tweet. (Brownback later apologized to her!)
December 9 President Obama, for his Teddy Roosevelt-style speech in Kansas, and: 'Ask Osama bin Laden whether I engage in appeasement'
December 16 TIE President Obama, who officially ended the war in Iraq, and all the troops he brought home for the holidays … and The 507,000+ people in Wisconsin who have signed the petition to put the recall of Gov. Scott Walker to a vote
December 23 President Obama, for welcoming the last troops home from Iraq, and winning the payroll tax-cut extension battle
Epilogue: And with the proper medication and lots of yoga, they all lived happily ever after.
(not) The End
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