Kossacks, it's been a while since I wrote, but a couple of years ago, I did write about my pending wedding to my longtime love at the Los Angeles home of the good friend who introduced us. And then, Prop 8 happened...
Well I am now delighted to report that on Friday, December 2, 2011, we were married in the city of New York, in an intimate ceremony in the Lower East Side.
The ceremony was beautiful and incredibly meaningful to both of us. Even after being together for 12 years, and despite the fact that this marriage in no way legally augments our current civil union standing in the state of Illinois, I think we'd both agree that we feel, well, different somehow. And in a good way. Acknowledging our love and commiting ourselves to each other for life, in front of some of the most important people in our lives had a profound spiritual and emotional impact on both of us.
It's funny. I am an adjunct at a private arts college and told my students that I had gotten married (they were very supportive -- everything good you hear about the next generation is 100% true and then some). One of my students (who is married) quipped that I could now enjoy all of the tax benefits of marriage. "Ha!", I said, "maybe if I lived in New York, I could appreciate some benefits!" "Well," he said, "You can at least enjoy federal benefits." "Not while DOMA is on the books," I said. As well meaning as he was, it is always surprising to me how few people are actually aware of the full extent of the inequality that effects lgbtq lives on a day-to-day basis.
As the website NOLO.com states,
Gay and lesbian same-sex couples, whether married or not, are denied a whole host of benefits that the federal government provides to heterosexual married couples. There are over one thousand federal laws in which marriage status is a factor. These laws confer rights, protections, and benefits to married couples. Partners in same-sex couples cannot receive these important benefits -- from Social Security survivor benefits to federal tax benefits to federal employee health and retirement benefits.
Although a few states now allow gay and lesbian couples to marry, the majority of states still don't recognize marriages between partners of the same sex. Some, like California, allow same-sex couples to register as domestic partners. For purposes of most federal laws, these distinctions make no difference. Gay or lesbian same-sex couples, whether unmarried, married, or registered as domestic partners, are not permitted to enjoy the federal marriage benefits provided to heterosexual married couples.
But I do not let these facts embitter me. I am gratified to see the sea change that is occurring right now, in our lifetimes. It may feel slow going, but as Reverend Doctor Martin Luther King Junior stated, "the moral arc of history bends at the elbow of justice."
Hence, I am heartened to read, this evening, the text of Secretary of State Hilary Clinton's Geneva address on the human rights of lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgendered people. Which, I could quote here in its near entirelty if I wasn't pretty certain that several Kossacks have already done so (oh, gosh, I hope some of you have!).
In any case, I do hope that some of my old Kos friends are still hanging around and can hear (read) the good news. Nikki and I are both thrilled, delighted, and honored to share it with you.