I'm not doing well. I'm not doing well at all right now.
I'm safe, I'm not alone, I have no intentions of anything other than writing and crying -
I'm adrift in the raging ocean of my own mind and I'm terrified. How long can a man tread water that he can't see or cross?
My life is falling apart. I'm not at home right now, I'm in PDX at Baby Jew Lawyer's apartment. It used to be my apartment too until I lost my job and was unable to pay the rent. Now he has to find a roomie that will actually live here on the lease and I will be relegated to occasional visits and sleeping on the couch.
Because he is a first year baby lawyer he's not allowed to work and has to eek through on his loans and grants. You may have guessed we aren't exactly a rich family of Jews - I had to drop out of college and have worked poverty line or just above jobs ever since. My hope and dream is that he will be able to finish and have a secure career - something I never had. I had hoped to support him to that end by helping with the rent - and I let him down.
Egypt is burning. While I am thrilled to the core of my being that people are making a stand for themselves toward self determination - I even had a sort of essay rumbling around in my head about how the Egyptians are leaving Mitzrayim in a symbolic way - it just won't come out.
In the Jewish tradition the leaving of Egypt is a symbol of self determination and a refusal to be pawns any longer. To say that they are leaving Mitzrayim is to say good on them and their desire to master their own fate, not to say that their home is a bad place and should be abandoned. I don't want any drama bombs about trying to slight the Egyptian people because I'm not. I'm just not always as articulate or clear as I want to be when I'm like this.
I'm not even going to go into my terror at being an American right now and being trapped in a country that does not want me. Whole other essay in and of itself.
But I worry about my family in Jerusalem. I worry about my rebbe, who isn't speaking to me because he says I'm an apikoros, but I love him anyway. I worry about the people I will likely never meet because I refuse to set foot inside Eretz Yisroel until Moshiach comes - or we have to fight to live yet again. I don't want to go fight those battles - for that matter I don't want anyone to fight at all but we are human beings, and we like to fight.
But sometimes I feel like at least dying for my people will count as I have no children to leave behind and never will. I want to get through this gilgul without killing anyone, I've spent a lot of past lives as a soldier. That means I shouldn't really kill myself either. But I understand some of the frustration of the angry young men who are my cousins that strap on death and cry out to G-d, and sometimes I even admire the fact that they have courage I don't. But I can't say that out loud; I'm already a big enough conundrum within my own community and I hate the death of anyone, young or old Jew or Gentile.
My beloved, much better half is safe in Queensland, but the reality is that Yesi probably fucked any chance we have of making the trip this year. I haven't seen her since 2006. Right now, I feel like I will never see her again. I can't lay it on her, she has enough to worry about with the kids and the fact that they just got hit by a giant ass storm.
I can't function without her. Right now I am honestly so far gone that she has to remind me to bathe and eat - my being at Baby Jew Lawyer's is a relief to her because I have someone to watch me and I have my cat, Nigel. No partner should have to put up with that, because it means I can't BE a partner to her. I fail again.
I am 41 years old and I have to be prodded like a child to take care of myself. I have been off my meds for 3 days and I'm a basketcase. I've slept 3 out of the last 36 hours, I'm too exhausted to sleep. I'm tired as hell, I have no manic phase, I just can't sleep.
Yes, I plan to go to the pharmacy tomorrow and see if I can get a couple days worth of meds until I can safely go home - but it's not helping me at the moment.
I'm a failure. I'm not as smart as I used to believe I was - for someone who's whole identity was in being "the smart one" it's quite a blow. I'm a horrible Jew. Horrible to the point my rebbe hasn't spoken to me in over a year because I throw HIS depression into gear and he has enough to worry about with a young family. I've never had a job longer than a year and a half without being fired. Now - that pretty much makes me unemployable.
How can I finish the boat with no income? Where will I go if I get thrown out of the marina? Who will bury me? Who will say kaddish? No one. I have no children of my own, and I will never have any as I have a birth defect that makes me sterile. My beloved's children are not mine, but I love them with a depth and longing that both comforts and terrifies me. Am I doing to screw them up too, assuming I get the chance to be their step-parent before they are grown?
When you realise that you will end up as ashes in an unmarked county paupers grave - what do you really have to live for? Particularly when the idea of being ashes at all is horrifying in context. I secretly hoped that working with the Burial Society would balance out so I would at least get a Jewish burial, but right now I think G-d is a little more concerned with other things. G-d is not any more fair than life is, and I don't believe in an interventionist G-d anyway.
The most exciting thing in my universe lately is the possibility of scooping poop for Sara R. Really. Doing something for other people is one of the few things that makes carrying all this around all the time bearable - and I'm afraid that I will fail at that too. Not out of laziness or spite, just inability to function well enough to get there to scoop the poop. I'm ashamed of being so fragile and helpless.
I'm ashamed that the only thing I can think to do is to sit here and write this pathetic rambling mess about what a useless fucking mess I am. I don't want sympathy exactly, I just want someone to hear me. Anyone. I exist. I'm real. I'm fucking TERRIFIED of my own brain.
I'm ashamed that the only thing that stops this constant noise in my head of how horrible I am and what a failure I am is pot - and I don't have any and don't have any money for that anyway. Sometimes I get a little nug or two from friends, but it's just not in the non-existent budget so I just stay crazy. I grew up in the Just Say No! era. I grew up believing only losers "do drugs" - and here I am, one big fat LOSER.
It's very much a medicinal thing for me - just enough to stop the noise. I don't actually like being baked, I just need the relief of the lack of self hatred for a little while. Just enough for it to drop to the merest whisper and I can tune it out and go on about living. Bills come first. Food comes first. Work when I have it comes first. But despite living in Oregon, I don't have a card and I really don't know how to go about getting one. Because it means I'm a failure and I can't get along without crutches like pot and brain pills. Without both - you get me on my actual brain chemistry
And yes, I do consider having to take medication not to be crazy as a failure as well. Normal people don't have brains that make them prisoners in their own heads. Normal people don't get fired because they are physically unable to say the words, "I'm sorry boss, I have depression and I'm struggling like hell right now, please help me." Normal people are whole universes away from where I am now, and I envy them.
There's not really any big wrap up here - I'm crazy and deep in it right now and it seems like I will never get out. I have some books to read that I can't focus on, some computer games to poke at aimlessly, a cat to throw plastic mice for and give scritches to - and I will try to hold fast.
It's all I really know how to do.
Tehillim Ch 6
- To the conductor with melodies on the sheminith, a song of David. א.
2. O Lord, do not rebuke me in Your anger, and do not chastise me in Your wrath. ב.
3. Be gracious to me, O Lord, because I languish; heal me, O Lord, because my bones are frightened. ג.
4. And my soul is very frightened, and You, O Lord, how long? ד.
5. Return, O Lord, rescue my soul; save me for the sake of Your loving- kindness. ה.
6. For there is no memory of You in death; in the grave, who will thank You? ו.
7. I am weary from my sighing; every night I sully my bed; I wet my couch with my tears. ז.
- My eye is dimmed from anger; it has aged because of all my adversaries. ח.
- Turn away from me, all you workers of iniquity, for the Lord has hearkened to the voice of my weeping. ט.
- The Lord has hearkened to my supplication; the Lord has accepted my prayer. י.
- All my enemies shall be ashamed and very frightened; they shall return and be ashamed in a moment.