From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Breaking???
Koch Brothers Stage Sit-In At Mansion
WICHITA---In a move that has taken labor unions by surprise, David H. and Charles G. Koch announced today that they are "drawing a line in the bearskin rug under the original Matisse above the fireplace" and staging a sit-in to protest the protests in Madison, Wisconsin.
"We are outraged that a mere hundred thousand infuriatingly peaceful and persistent common people think they can push wealthy heirs like us around by not giving us what we want," the co-owners of Koch Industries said in a statement released by their senior senior senior butler. "We are going to sit here in our grand ballroom (the one in the south wing, not the one in the east wing because it's drafty) and wait them out until they agree to destroy themselves."
The Kochs said the sit-in was a painful but necessary step, since their efforts to nullify the collective bargaining rights of public union workers in Wisconsin by buying off politicians and blanketing the airwaves with anti-labor ads have failed to produce the results they want. The secretive brothers, who control the levers of power in the Republican party, are occupying their time by running their several industries from makeshift suites, squeezing chunks of coal between their buttocks to make diamonds, banging on caviar tins with sterling-silver spoons and slowly descending further into madness.
"I never thought the plot of The Shining could happen in real life," said one Koch housekeeper speaking on condition of anonymity. "But you should see what they've scrawled on the wall---it's much worse than 'Redrum.' Then again, get a load of the size of this diamond!"
While security personnel, guard dogs, an alligator-filled moat and a ring of gullible but well-armed teabaggers have kept unauthorized visitors from entering the mansion, a liberal blogger managed to stage a prank call in which he claimed to be Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker, who is leading the fight there at the direction of the Kochs to effectively crush public unions. Unlike an earlier call, in which the same blogger fooled Gov. Walker into believing he was speaking to David Koch, this one was noticeably shorter.
"Hey guys, how's it going out there?" asks the blogger in a recording of the call. Responds Charles Koch: "Listen you [expletive deleted], we paid good money for you to follow our instructions. Now put this thing to bed already. We're several days behind schedule and David here is starting to mold."
Responding to the Kochs' sit-in, AFL-CIO president Richard Trumka said he was confident the labor unions would prevail. "Size matters," he said. "Our sit-in is bigger than their sit-in."
Governor Walker couldn’t be reached for comment. A spokesman said he was at Madison City Hall applying to have his name legally changed to Ronald Reagan.
Film at 11.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Note: Kirk Douglas just cartwheeled past my house. He's headed in your direction.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til spring: 19
Days `til the Honolulu Festival: 10
Number of U.S. states that provide paid leave for new parents: 2
(Source: Harper's Index)
Portion of Russians in a recent survey who believe the sun revolves around the earth: 1-in-3
(Source: Fareed Zakaria)
John McCain's rank among the most conservative senators: #1
(Source: Think Progress)
Percent of all U.S. financial transactions that are in cash: 35%
(Source: Fast Company)
Percent of Americans surveyed who are unaware that this year's tax deadline is April 18, because the 15th is a legal holiday in Washington, D.C.: 54%
(Source: USA Today)
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Tuesday Words of Wisdom from the Right-wing Blogosphere:
Republicans tend to be the adults of society who possess both common sense and a rather firm grounding in reality which make them more apt to be respectful of others and not resort to inane stunts to try to prove a point.
---Commenter LandMan at the Michelle Malkin blog
All together now: One…two…three… "Bush lands on aircraft carrier, declares Mission Accomplished!"
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Barney: Lord of the ring
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CHEERS to March. Highlights of the month that will soon erupt into madness: Coming in like a lion, government shutdown(???), Panic Day, St. Patrick's Day, Worship of Tools Day (not sure if they mean the screwdriver or the Scott Walker variety), Mardi Gras, Ash Wednesday, Spring(!!!), and exiting as a lamb. Oh, and don’t forget the infamous "Ides." Plus this: as of today we've made it through the first 60 days of 2011. Slap another gold star on your tuckus.
CHEERS to the middle of the end. In Libya, it's all over for Muammar Khaddafi but the last-ditch escape attempt disguised as an old lady sitting in the back of a VW bus careening crazily for the border. He's toast. His assets are frozen, his buddies are bailing, the freedom fighters are closing in, the U.N. is likely booting him from…um, the human rights commission? How the hell did Libya get on that??? Oh, and memo to The Hague: he'll need his prison stripes in size XL. And a medium for his invisible rabbit friend.
JEERS to the rule of threes. Damn if the Reaper Man wasn't an efficient little nipper this time around. But at least they all lived good long lives: we lost baseball Hall-of-Famer and two-time Dodgers World Series champ Duke Snider at 84, male-bait entertainer Jane Russell at 89 and, at 110, the last surviving American World War I veteran, Frank Buckles. To put his life in perspective: when he first heard the song "Over There," it was while he was literally on his way to the "over there" in "Over There." Condolences to the families, friends and fans of all three.
CHEERS to lending a hand. The Peace Corps turns 50 today. President Kennedy's executive order gave it the green light on March 1, 1961. The Miami Herald has a nice commentary on its present condition:
[T]he Peace Corps, despite its loss of celebrity and size, has improved a great deal during its 50 years. It probably does a better job at one of its main goals: providing skilled manpower to poor countries in need. The volunteers are better trained than in the early years, arriving at their posts speaking not only the official language of the host countries but the local tribal language as well. …
In all, some 200,000 Americans have lived, often in the remotest of villages, in countries in Africa, Asia, Latin America, the Pacific and Eastern Europe ---places most other Americans can’t find on a map. We would not have this enormous asset today without the Peace Corps. That is surely worth a birthday celebration.
Fifty years later, it's still "The toughest job you'll ever love." Especially if you bring a few cases of Bacardi. And limes. Don’t forget the limes.
CHEERS to the CARD Act. Oh, you'll never guess! The credit card reform bill that passed a couple years back is actually helping consumers and limiting excess wankery by the credit card companies. Really. Democrats win again by reforming the system in favor of Main Streeters. Cue the sound of Republicans taking credit for it.
JEERS to 100% pure cynicism whipped up in less than two seconds. My partner Michael got the winter issue of his health insurance company's generic and irrationally exuberant magazine in the mail the other day. The cover-story headline says: "How to get the care you need." Cynic Billy says: figure out how to poop gold bullion into your bedpan.
CHEERS to the swingiest swing state in all of Swingdom. I was hatched at Mercy Hospital in Mount Vernon, Ohio in August of 1964, and that makes me a dyed-in-the-wool Buckeye, baby. So HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my home state---208 years old today. Seven crappy presidents (including the second-worst to Bush, Jr.---Harding) hail from Ohio. It's the only state whose flag is a pennant. And we're the proud birthplace of Steven Spielberg, Neil Armstrong, John Glenn, Orville Wright, Clark Gable, Jack Nicklaus, Gloria Steinem…and one or two others. Oh, also some people say Nebraska was admitted to the union on this date in 1867. Can't say I'm familiar with it, but I'll take 'em at their word.
JEERS to the paradox of pushing tin poorly. The FAA reports that the number of errors on the part of air-traffic controllers shot up 81 percent over the last four years. Also: there have been zero airline fatalities in three of the last four years. Therefore, the conclusion is obvious: we must keep pushing for more errors by air-traffic controllers in order to keep airline travel as safe as possible. And that's how you graduate summa cum laude from GOP Logic University.
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And just one more…
JEERS to spoiling our appetite. Well, it had to end sometime. That London shop that was serving Baby Gaga's human breast milk ice cream has been told to stop for health reasons. The management says they were going to stop selling it anyway because of high employee turnover due to the ice cream production process. Apparently jumping up and down topless in a freezer all day isn't a fulfilling career move. Who knew???!!
Have an excellent Tuesday. Oh, and happy birthday to Frederic Chopin, whose best-known piano composition is, of course, Chopinsticks. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"I am on a drug---it's called Bill in Portland Maine"
---Charlie Sheen
2/22/11
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