Wikileaks has just released a transcript of a newly discovered conversation between a National Organization for Marriage representative and her business partner from an unknown underworld organization that purports to traffic in human souls.
In this never-before-heard conversation, 'Maggie' of NOM and 'S' of this unknown organization are discussing her latest victory in Maryland.
Maggie: Those fools in Maryland! (Cackle) We played them like a golden fiddle. Just like we played their friends in Maine, in New York, and in California. (Cackle, Cackle) I waited until just the right moment, then unleashed the demons we sold our souls to you for! (Cackle, cackle, cackle). And they folded like origami.
S: Yes. I was afraid Kali might have gone too far with Representative Arora; but you pulled him back from the abyss just in time. The cause had been served, the damage done; no use continuing to threaten him with Dantean visions of hell or he might have been driven insane. And then he wouldn't be of any use to you in 2012. Well played, my sweet.
Maggie: Still, these latest polls are disturbing. We agreed that your demons would infiltrate the Churches, destroying support for same-sex marriage in their wake, did we not?
S: And we have, my dearest Maggie, we have. Why look at Maine, and again at Maryland. Did not the Churches play their part to a tee? And just who do you think got those Latter Day 'Saints' involved in California? Did you think that was Divine Intervention, perhaps? No, no, it is one of my most unappreciated talents -- bringing the Holy Churches of The Lord to full battle readiness against the teachings of that huckster Nazarene. If I had a heart, it's cockles would be very warm right now.
Maggie: What about Washington D.C. ? You failed us there.
S: ((Straightening)) Ahem. Our contract specifically refers to States. Section III, Clause 23a. We cannot expend demonic resources unless contractually obligated.
Maggie: Hmmm. We really do need to get better lawyers ((makes note to self)). Still, these polls. What about these polls? Every time I look, the homosexual agenda has gained another percentage point. Why aren't you doing something about that?
S: ((Showing just a trace of indignation)) Ahem. Ahem. Our contract specifically refers to Churches. Not the public at large nor the biasing of poll results. See Section IV, Clause 4g. Do you know how hard it is to influence the general public, as opposed to those weak-minded fools who deliver hate-filled sermons thinking they have been inspired by their God? H.L.Mencken was misinformed.
Maggie, cutecakes! Our demons can no more violate the Law of Large Numbers than you will be able to negotiate your way out of Eternal Damnation ((a wisp of anticipation flickers over S's face)).
Maggie: I care nothing about that. If that is the price to pay to be with your forever, then I would gladly sell my soul again and again.
S: Do not speak of such things! That. Is. Strictly. Forbidden. The SEC would be on our case faster than you could say 'AIG'.
Maggie: So what do you suggest?
S: About what?
Maggie: The polls! The polls, dammit, the polls!
S: I could terminate the 18-29 year olds...
Maggie: But then there'd be no one to pay for my Social Security!
S: I could make Glee's ratings plummet...
Maggie: Then they'd take it off the air! And I think Blaine is so handsome.
S: Uh Maggie, about Blaine... Oh nevermind. I could make you a long ball hitter for the Washington Senators...
Maggie: I hate baseball. And Chevrolet. And apple pie.
S: Then I have nothing left to offer except blood, toil, sweat and santorum.
Maggie: It will all have been for nought? All that exquisite hate? All the venom? Marriage is doomed? Teh gay will copulate in a state of Holy Wedlock?
S: Perhaps not in your lifetime, Maggie ((muffled chortle))
Maggie: What about us? Do you really care about me? Will you leave me for some anti-labor tart? Do we amount to more than a hill of beans?
S: We'll always have Maryland.