(freshrant.com) NASA's investigation has deepened after a drugs discovered at Florida's Kennedy Space Center that were first thought to be cocaine tested positive as Charlie Sheen.
A worried NASA spokesman told reporters that the 4.2 grams of "a white powdery substance" found at the facility contained "significant amounts of tiger blood and Adonis DNA."
An unidentified law enforcement officer who field tested the substance indicated the drug to be pure Sheen. "We do want to assure the public that the substance is not literally a creepy little Charile Sheen mini-me that you can't shut up. But that said, we do want to warn the public, if you try it, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body."
Images of two NASA maintenance workers caught on security cameras snorting a small quantity of the Sheen were said to be too graphic to be released to the public. Stopped as they left the Kennedy Space Center to identify the bodies, the weeping children of the two workers confirmed their fathers had experienced a "facial meltdown" before their bodies exploded.
The NASA spokesman continued with a prepared statement, "Charlie Sheen is different than any drug we've seen. It has a different constitution. You would need a different brain and a different heart to process it.”
When asked to provide further details, the NASA spokesman responded, "If only for five seconds, you’d be like, ‘Dude! Can’t handle it, unplug this bastard!’ You know. You’ve been given magic. You'll think you’ve been given gold, but will end up as droopy-eyed, armless children.”
When asked if there might be any security implications associated with the two NASA workers having taken Charlie Sheen, the worried spokesman reported the one of the maintenance men who ingested the drug was heard on the surveillance tape saying, "I'm like an F-18, bro, and I will destroy you in the air and deploy my ordnance to the ground with violent love.”
While NASA refused to speculate how the drug entered Florida's Kennedy Space Center, an unnamed source commented, "It fires in a way that’s maybe not from, uh… this terrestrial realm. It apparently has only one speed, one gear, so it may be impossible to stop. That's just how it rolls."