Welcome to Awards Edition Plus, your one-stop snark shop for splashing in the cesspool which is politics and fun with the politicians that pollute it.
In tonight's AEP we will look back at some of our best work with some classic editorials by my long-suffering editor, Sirius the Cat, News of Dubious Veracity Department and some of our previous Golden Douchenozzle Award winners as well as all-new award nominees and this week's winner.
Follow me over the fold for a romp in the cesspit of politics...
A Word from Commonmass
Awards Edition Plus began as a regular Wednesday comment in Cheers and Jeers (our Fairy Blogmother), and "went rogue", so to speak, as its own diary series on Oct 20 of last year. Since then, we have nominated over 40 persons, groups, bills and even concepts for the coveted GDN award. The luminaries are:
(* indicates GDN Winner)
Lindsey Graham, Rand Paul, Ken Buck, Joe Miller, the Koch brothers, Glenn Beck, Mark Kirk, Christine O'Donnell, the Commonwealth of Virginia*, William Snyder, Sharron Angle, Michele Bachmann*, John Roberts, Ron Johnson, Clint McCance*, the GOP, Paul LePage*(multiple honors), WH Press Corps*, John Boehner, Phil Griffin, James Manning, Eric Cantor, Jim DeMint, Diane Rehm, Paul Broun, SCOTUS, South Dakota HB1171, Connie O'Brien*, Dan Burton, Scott Walker, Muammar al-Gaddafi, Meta, Congress, Matt Lauer, G.W. Bush*, North and South Korea*, the Lame Duck Congress*, Poutrage, Tony Perkins*, Congressional Republicans, Yevgyeny Mededev, and the Indiana GOP*and of course, Who?™.
Aside from the GDN, we feature satire, humor, the occasional political cartoon and an all-around deliciously tasteless good time. I want to thank all those who have contributed and especially all those who have been reading and sending in nominations. Let's enjoy a look back at the best of the last few months, plus some new material. Thanks for reading.
Awards Edition Plus is:
Sirius the Cat, Executive Editor
Commonmass, Managing Editor
weatherdude, Contributing Editor
ericlewis0, Cartoon Editor
vacationland Art Director
Texas Blue Dot Special Texas Correspondent
James Whitmore Special Maine Correspondent
Awards Edition Plus Editorial
by Sirius the Cat
As this is a retrospective edition, I pawed through the litter-box lining for a few gems from past editions which I thought might be worthy of a second look. Enjoy.
Women have been objectified by men since time immemorial. I know I'm objectified; I am cat-called, petted incessantly by icky people, baby-talked, you name it. While things have gotten better, I'll never understand why they still make Barbie dolls. I mean, come on. Talk about objectification--it's a freaking OBJECT with boobs. So, I have gotten to thinking a bit and would like to offer some suggestions for a new, modern, feminist Barbie for the 21st Century.
First, they've got to change her figure and her face. I suggest making Barbie in the image of Betty Friedan whom--let's face it--NO ONE would ever even think of as a sex object. Plus, Friedan was a great feminist. I considered suggesting Simone de Beauvoir, but thought "no, she was too pretty, plus she was a part-time lesbian." I think I only considered de Beauvoir because someone once called her "An alarm clock inside a Frigidaire", and while I thought that expressed the very essence of Barbie, one can't easily convey that sentiment in the form of a plastic doll. So, I have to choose Betty.
Secondly, I think we should return to the Talking Barbie. Here are some things I would like to hear Barbie say:
--My eyes are up here, asshole.
--I carry cinnamon-scented mace!
--Yes, I'll marry you, Ken, but you'll have to sign a pre-nup.
--I can't tonight, honey, I have a board meeting in the morning.
--Ken, are you coming with me to the Smith reunion on Saturday?
--Meet Charles, my secretary!
I think those would be a good start and go a long way towards ending the sexism and objectification females of all species continue to suffer.
Now, where's that ball of yarn.....
This one, however, is my absolute favorite. Commonmass was rather cross with me for this one, but I simply cannot resist republishing it here.
When I lay down last night with a glass of gin, I clicked on DailyKos to see what the metasquads had for us that particular evening. The predictability of the diaries shocked me not: half defecated on Democrats, half applauded Democrats, and three or four featured fellow felines with deplorable grammar and sentence syntax. After perusing the pootie diaries, I happened to glance upon the part of DailyKos to which some humorously refer as the "wreck" list. Right before my eyes appeared a diary by my human, commonmass. I jumped for joy at a chance to tear up something other than toilet paper, and grimly gagged down this ghastly excuse for writing.
First of all. I could not. Get past. The sentence. Fragments. I felt like I stumbled upon a prolonged Sarah Palin Tweet from hell, or a one liner by William Shatner. My goodness, after I got over the fragmentation of this fetid fermentation of failure, I could barely read through the word salad of commonmass’ LBJ Library trip. Good heavens! It seems as if my constant punishments-via-claw taught him nothing of the English language. Kids these days – can’t live with them, can’t kill them either.
I made my way to the end of this unholy undulation of Satan’s uvula, clicked out, and never plan to return to anything commonmass writes that does not cross my red pen. But for now, I wish to God I had an idea as to what, in general, commonmass is trying to do. To me. To you. To the country.
Next Week: Herding cats --SIRIUS.
Awards Edition Plus Cartoon Department
Some contributions from Cartoon Editor ericlewis0, creator of the exclusive Daily Kos Saturday morning blockbuster cartoon series Animal Nuz. The third cartoon did not appear in AEP because, after consulting with Sirius, we determined that it would not be nice to scoop The New Yorker where it would be appearing the following week. AEP is lucky to have Eric as a contributor.
And here is the AEP premiere of this wonderful submission, published some weeks ago in The New Yorker:
Thanks again, Eric, for your wonderful contribution to AEP. We are all looking forward more in future editions.
Political Equations for Dummies
Inspired by a comment I left in weatherdude's diary :
The Bachmann equation: a+b=0
The Santorum equation: man+man=man/dog
The Palin equation: boy+howdy=boyhowdy doncha know.
The Bush equation: a(a+b)-2/3=D'OH
The Walker equation: R-D=0
The Best of The News of Dubious Veracity Department
from weatherdude:
House of Representatives Votes On New National Anthem
In a vote led sharply along party lines, the United States House of Representatives voted 242-193 to change the country's national anthem to Disturbia by Rihanna. The resolution received sharp criticism from President Barack Obama, who called the move "a sad flexing of muscles by the new majority [...] akin to a 5 year old with $20 bucks to blow in Toys-R-Us." The measure is expected to overwhelmingly fail in the Senate, and the national anthem will remain as it's been since 2005 -- Suspicious Minds by Dwight Yoakam.
and:
Refuse Screening Day: TSA Should Be Glad They Wear Those Blue Gloves
Warshington, November 17th
Liberal pantywaists have decided to "opt out" of naked screening in airports, and they have an agenda: to bring the entire idea of junk-searches to a "climax". Speaking in deep background, leader of the Liberal Pantywaists Joseph "Egghead" Adlai Stevenson told the Thymes: "We are at the edge of a Police State. We have been edging for a while. If they want to grab our "junk", they will have a very nasty surprise." The TSA could not be reached for comment. They were all washing their hands.
from commonmass:
Texas School Curriculum to Include Divinity of GOP
Austin, Texas. The Texas Text Book Commission announced yesterday that among many changes in public school curriculum for next year will be the requirement that all text books include the theory that Republicans are the heirs to the Apostles of Christ and are therefore divine. Sources close to the Commission confirm that in the spirit of including "both sides" the GOP will be portrayed as divine and the Democratic Party as followers of Satan....
And now, without further ado, this week's Golden Douchenozzle Award Nominees!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(tympani roll.........crescendo.....a little more......MORE.....CYMBAL CRASH!)
Paul LePage This asshat just won't stop. Under the cover of darkness, he removed that offensive mural from the Maine Department of Labor and stored it in an "undisclosed location". Today, we found out where it is: locked in a closet at the Department of Labor. Ah, the irony! To the detractors? "Get over it". I have discovered that there are not a few Kossacks that agree with him.....
Scott Walker Need I say more? Corrupt, teabagging douchenozzle. Plain and simple.
Newt! Pick a position on Libya, Newt. Pick one. You flip-flopper, you or I will sic this person on you:
Jerome Corsi, swift-boater extraordinaire, has now set his sites on the President. (nominated by Kossack blue aardvark). In his new book, he "comes out" as a birther, just like...
Donald Trump wants to see the President's birth certificate. Yeah, and I want to spend an erotic evening with Jake Gyllenhaal, but Donald, we both know neither of those things is going to happen. Like Gov. LePage would say, "get over it".
Michele Bachmann who is considering the possibility of exploring the idea of maybe forming an exploratory committee to analyze whether or not it is a good idea for her to possibly run for president. FAIL. Go back to the convent, Michele.
The Roman Catholic Church who asserted this week that including LGBT rights in the international human rights treaty would be violating the human rights of....wait for it.....are you sitting down.....BIGOTS. Way to go, Obergruppenfuehrer Ratzinger! I mean Your Holiness.
TSA agent Mary Bagnoli who complained that a colleague, a Wiccan, had "cast a spell on her". Her colleague was fired. What's the matter Mary? Did you get the evil eye?
Russell Pearce I don't think I have to explain this one to anybody.
MI gov. Snyder loves taking people's benefits away, especially their unemployment benefits. My suggestion to you, Governor, is to look back at a little labor history in your own back yard. I think you are in for a VERY nasty surprise. I will be watching on the TeeVee safe and sound, in my livingroom in Maine, where our governor will also be taking it up the back door with a jackhammer. I will be having a cocktail, and laughing my ass of as you (and Paula) are run out of your respective states on a rail. Naked.
And this week's winner is....................
The Roman Catholic Church!!!!!!!!!!!! (cue Palestrina motet...)
Here's an excerpt from the letter I wrote to inform the Holy Father of his award:
Your Holiness,
It is my pleasure to inform you that you have won this week's Golden Douchenozzle Award for rank hypocrisy and general asshattery for your church's stance on the human rights of LGBT peoples. Now, I know you care very much for the little fa&&ots who are still in the womb. I mean, every sperm is sacred, right? And so I would suppose is every embryo. I also know you like to make a big show about caring for people with HIV/AIDS, probably because your guys get to hear some pretty juicy confessions. But in between, you want to assert that writing their human rights into an international code somehow violates the human rights and consciences of people who think gay people are icky and "inherently disordered"? Well, all I can say is it is my sincere hope that you never drop the soap while washing off after a workout at the Vatican Fitness Centre...
Thank you for joining us this evening. See you next week. Tips? Flames? Nominations for the future? See you in the comments!
UPDATE:What would this retrospective be without weatherdude's famous rant:
Weatherdude's Douchenozzle Nomination Corner: Extrapolation Edition
George Bush is a newcomer to the douchenozzle scene, with his new book full of juicy details about his amazing, underrated presidency. Out of everything that happened during his reign as Empress of Murka -- September 11th, anthrax attacks, Afghan war, Enron scandal, Iraqi war, Space Shuttle Columbia tragedy, massive torture ring, the Terri Schiavo debacle, Hurricane Katrina and the resulting disaster, and the giant fucking depression his policies caused -- what was the "worst moment" of his Presidency? If you guessed Kanye West saying "George Bush hates black people," then you win! Out of everything that happened in his 8 years as Poutrager in Chief, being called a racist was his worst moment. Grow up, dude. Even Taylor Swift got over Kanye's jackassedness.
Meanwhile, douchenozzle Phil Griffin is the world's worst bluffer. After finally fulfilling his vendetta on Keith Olbermann by unfairly and inconsistently enforcing a rule that doesn't even apply to MSNBC employees, over 300,000 people forced Griffy to change his phone number and email address to avoid the outcry of progressives scorned. Hell, when you have Bill Kristol defending Keith Olbermann, you know you done fucked up something fierce.
This is too goshdarned funny to be belived:
The Honourable James David Manning, Ph.D. Esquire à la mode, he of ATLAH infamy, releases one or two videos a day on his organization's Youtube page from the safe confines of his fortified bunker deep under the streets of Gotham. Here in this bunker, Manning is free to say and do -whomever- whatever tickles his -disco stick- fancy. Manning and his young, hairless male interns use tons of elbow grease to give ATLAH's daily videos a good shiner before they flop out on teh intertoobs. In one of these recent videos, Manning made a long, hard argument in favor of calling people homosexuals based on one's looks. To piledrive home his argument, he took on a sack of CNN's anchors and laid them out for a good spanking.
No big surprises here: his first victim was Anderson Cooper. He didn't go into too much detail other than saying he was a homosexual. The second anchor he grouped into the homosexual category was Don Lemon. He mentioned that Lemon was molested as a child (insinuating that being molested = autohomo), then proceeded to show this poorly photoshopped picture of Lemon:
He said that because Don Lemon looked like the perfect Barbie doll, hence, the perfect homosexual.
James Manning Esquire à la mode moved on to Tony Harris, and called him an "old school homosexual," then asked if it made him a bigot for assuming these things. No Manning, it does not make you a bigot. It makes you ignorant. Bigots are ignorant, but one can be ignorant without bigotry, however.
If you disagree with me, good. It allows me to do this:
Look! It's Sarah Manning!
Look! It's James Gaga!
Look! It's a pirate! Arrrr, me not be gay.
Last but not least, look! It's a homosexual! But it doesn't make me a bigot for saying that, just like you said, Jimbob.
What makes me say you look like a homosexual? Your words. Enjoy your life of lies, Mr. Manning.
*I refuse to link to his organization, his Youtube page, or any of his videos. Look him up if you want to see to which video I refer -- it was uploaded 28 September 2010 and is the one ranting on about homosexuals.