This diary is part of the MCM's effort to highlight military children during the Month of the Military Child.
There is no doubt that the increased ops-tempo of a military at war places stress on not only the active duty members but on their families as well. And so, we see stories like this:
Military kids taking more psychiatric drugs
The use of psychiatric medications by military children is on the rise. Overall, in 2009, more than 300,000 prescriptions for psychiatric drugs were provided to children under 18 who are Tricare beneficiaries.
That’s up 18 percent since 2005, according to data provided to Military Times — a period when the under-18 population increased by less than 1 percent. And some drug categories have shown even higher rates of increase — antipsychotic drugs are up about 50 percent and anti-anxiety drugs are up about 40 percent.
Obviously, the best solution for these kids is to keep their parents home. That's not going to happen anytime soon. Do we have any other options at all?
I don't know how to tell this story without making it personal. As the mom of two military kids, I have experienced and seen the stress of deployment. I will be using the terms Mom and Dad throughout and I want you, the reader, to remember that for a lot of families, those terms can be switched around; it's often Mom that deploys and Dad who stays home with the kids. Or, both parents deploy and kids stay with Grandma and Grandpa, with Aunts and Uncles, with good friends. Remember that please while reading this.
For our family, the story begins before 9/11, one summer when my husband deployed to an unknown location in Turkey and we were told that we would be incommunicado for three months. No letters. No phone calls. No email. Nada.
My then 5 year old son was used to climbing into bed with me in the morning, just as his dad would be waking up and getting ready for the morning. They were both as regular as clock work, one climbing into bed as the other climbed out. Well, the clockwork continued for the 5 year old except that he added something new to the routine. About 15 to 20 minutes after climbing into bed, and not seeing his dad, he would start to throw up. This didn't happen everyday but happened in cycles of days. It took me about a month to realize there was problem other than the flu. It took another couple of weeks of tests and visits to the doctors to prove there was no physical cause. And, just as his dad was returning, we were told that our son needed counseling to handle separation anxiety. We visited the counselor, even though the symptoms disappeared with the return of his dad, and we were told that his dad needed to find a way to keep in touch even though it was not possible. Wow. At that time, we didn't worry. My husband was changing jobs, we weren't at war, we figured this was a once in a lifetime concern.
The point I want to make by sharing that story is that military kids suffer from stress even when a war doesn't exist - the wars are just compounding the situation and adding complexity to an already complex scenario. So when a Rand Study shows that kids with deployed parents are struggling more than kids whose parents are not deployed, we're looking at some serious problems:
In the mental health study, led by a professor of pediatrics at the Uniformed Services University of the Health Sciences, researchers found that when a parent was deployed, outpatient visits among children ages 3 to 8 for pediatric behavioral disorders rose 18 percent, and for stress disorders by 19 percent, compared with military children whose parents were not deployed.
What folks need to understand is that problems don't come just during deployment. According to the American Counseling Association, stress comes during the entire cycle of deployment. It begins when families learn that a deployment is about to happen:
During this stage, families attempt to adjust to the idea of one parent
being away for an extended period of time. Maladjustment may occur when this stage happens rapidly, and the child is not given adequate time to adjust to the loss of a family member. Stress is often high during this time period.
When my husband receives his deployment orders, we often debate when we should let the kids know. It's a fine balancing act because once we let it slip, our life changes from 'normal' to 'we need to do lots of stuff with dad before he goes,' and everyday happenings become more important, even when you try to make life feel normal. Dad gets pressure from all sides - from work because he has get everything in order so that someone else can manage his stateside job, from me because we have to get everything in order so that I can manage the finances while he is gone (normally just a power of attorney and to make sure the will is up-to-date), from our boys because they both want to do lots of things with dad in the time that is left. Then we have to decide when to tell extended family. If they live nearby, they often want to visit or have us visit them as close to leaving as possible, which is understandable.
So, the process begins early, before the deployed member even walks out the door.
Then we deal with the actual deployment:
When the parent or in some cases parents deploy, many children struggle with feelings of loss and grief. They work through the five stages of grief which individuals who have experienced a death or catastrophic event undergo: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance (Kubler-Ross & Kessler, 2005). Regardless of how children and their families begin the deployment cycle emotionally and cognitively, most find a way to cope and adjust to a “normal” way of life without the deployed parent or spouse. However, their “normal” may be completely dysfunctional.
Every family deals with deployment differently. And, at different stages of our childrens' lives, each family chooses different coping mechanisms. Unfortunately, what sometimes works for mom doesn't work for the kids. I like to travel during deployment. I want to get away from 'normal' life where I miss my husband more. If I'm out camping or hiking, I miss him, but I miss differently than when he's not helping me clean up after dinner or taking the car to the repair shop. My kids, on the other hand, need schedules more than ever. They need friends that live close by. They need structure and stability. We've tried deployment both ways. Neither is perfect but my son who exhibits symptoms of stress the most seemed to do better when we stayed home.
The worse time of day for my kids and me would be at about 5:30 or 6:00 in the evenings, the time when Dad would normally come home and we would be getting ready to sit down and eat dinner together. I can't tell you how many times I wished someone would have invited us over for a meal. I hate dinner time during deployment with a passion. And, for moms with young kids, it's even worse. Who are you cooking for? Your kids would much rather eat pancakes and bacon than a stir fry with rice. Our coping mechanism? Netflix and old TV shows. We rarely watch TV in our house but during deployment, it changes. Dinner is always in front of the TV. The first deployment, we watched every one of the The Walton's (yes, I'm sappy that way.) The second deployment, we made huge inroads to Star Trek, The Next Generation. In a weird, sort of sick way, my kids know that when the next deployment comes, they should start figuring out what TV they want to watch. Normal? Probably not. Coping mechanism? You better believe it. And a better coping mechanism than many... better than turning to the bottle.
Believe it or not, the stress of deployment continues when the military member gets home. The ACA focuses on kids worrying about how their parent will look and or how they will look to their parent, on physical changes. In their intro, they don't mention that the real fear are the mental changes - will war have changed my Dad? will my Mom be the same?
We in the military call this time, Re-integration. It's a better word than Reunion. The reunion part usually only lasts for a day or two. For most, it's full of happiness and hugs and kisses and favorite meals. It's full of sleeping and time change disruptions and it's not a normal time, so we can wipe away any sour taste without worrying too much. We convince ourselves that any problems that show up early can be blamed on being tired and cranky, overly excited and overwhelmed. But, Re-integration is a different thing all together.
Believe it or not, families have to learn how to be families again. Mom has been the go-to person for the last 6 months, the last year, the last year and a half? She's been the disciplinarian, the counselor, the slave-driver, the reader of books, the distributor of hugs and kisses. The family has learned to live without Dad. Sometimes, the family has thrived without Dad - kids grow, kids learn new skills, kids do well in school. Sometimes the family has struggled, grades are down, there is trouble with friends, life is just falling apart. Usually, it is somewhere in between.
My family has been fortunate because my husband somehow understands that we needed to make that Reunion time as long as possible. We have always managed to take a vacation when he gets back - he asks for leave and he gets it. Usually within a week of returning, we pack our bags and we go away (no camping because it's too much like living in a tent). We spend a week at the beach, near the water, and we reconnect. No one has assigned chores on vacation, no one has a special seat in the living room, no one has computer time or telephone time, all expectations are wiped away. And, when we go back home, after a week or two, it's like the house is a little bit new for everyone... you know how it is after vacation, how you're happy to go home? Well, for us, it works. It somehow resets the clock. Do we still have issues? Yes. But are they more manageable? Definitely.
Why have I written all of this? Because I think it's important for civilians to understand what we're going through. We hear about our soldiers returning with PTSD, about our men and women who won't come home at all. We're just beginning to hear more about the families. People have been sending care packages across the water since the wars began but do you know anyone that sends a care package to military kids? Honestly, when I have gone to volunteer at events to send things like care packages, I meet more military families than I do civilian ones.
I want more people to know us, to understand us, and to support our decision to be a military family. When it comes down to it, it doesn't really matter which of us supports the wars and which of us doesn't. Our kids are struggling. The more they can meet with adults that are grounded, that can help provide a safe community, the better off they will be. If you've managed to read this entire diary, I have a feeling you might be one of those people who could help.
Last week, IndieArmyWife, wrote a great diary,10 Things You Can Do Right Now To Support Military Kids. If you haven't read it, please do. It will give you some ideas on how you can begin to help.
If you have any other ideas, would you please share them below? And, if you would be willing to write a diary about military kids, we at the MCM would love to have your submission!
Add the emotional toll of leaving your family, hoping that you will have a means of communicating with them while you are away, and that they will have a strong support system while you are deployed, and it isn’t hard to understand why these children need the support of everyone to adjust during this difficult time.