This addiction is stronger than me. I have known that for a long time and I am hoping that I stay clean for only the next couple hours. I take it by hours, not days, seeing as how I just stopped at 1am central time, last night. I am looking forward to the vacations I plan to take, the new clothes I plan to fit into and the new water jug I plan to fill with $60 dollars a week to replace what I spend on this addiction. I have been a slave to it since I turned 23 and never drank in bars.
So as to have something to do in a bar other than catch an addiction to grapes, I ran full speed into the biggest battle of my life. My disease, my lung infested addiction is cigarettes, roughly a pack or more a day on a busy day. I turned to cigarettes to ease the unease felt in bars, on dates, close encounters of the nefarious kind and sexual dances. I personally had been enjoying my time up until a couple weeks ago when I woke up in the middle of the night, hacking my guts out. Walk with me, if you feel me.
I stopped the craziness last night, not because I actually wanted to but because I had to. Not because I was worried about the health of me or my family. I quit because of money and what I saw it was costing me every month and secondary what happened a couple weeks ago and then thirdly, my son who apparently has weak lungs. Not too many people actually quit because of their health, unless they are in dire straights and actually have to quit. I am financially unable to afford my lifestyle and I had to face that bizzare fact last night as I was doing the monthly budget. My money is short and that is an understatement. But somehow every week, I did manage to keep money in my pocket to buy those cigs. The cigarette is gonna go down kicking and screaming.
For a couple weeks now though, I have been playing around with this class for people who want to stop smoking. Personally, it aint helping me none and I was smoking like a chimney the last couple weeks in anticipation of the instructor having me bring in my cigarettes this week and toss them out. Apparently, she is crazy as hell if she thinks I can do that. To throw away one of the constant loves of my life in front of strangers is just too much for me. I'd rather light up in a public building and get tossed in jail than to do that. She just dont know. Tonight is the class and the instructor and I will go toe to toe if she doesnt understand this love affair is like real good sex. .............Dont act like you dont know what I'm talking about.
I'm doing it with this patch too, which has made me even more off kilter with family, people online and the like. Many that know me, know I mostly shoot straight from the hip. Currently, as of 7am, I have Zero patience for bullshit and I mean that. I told my husband to stay the fuck away from me about sex for the next couple days. Was I too harsh? But I'm irritated and my side hurts that has the patch on it and boy, I wish I could have that last fuckin cigarette again.....I want to be in the arms of my baby.....