You bet Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert were going to cover the media frenzy over Donald Trump and Obama's birth certificate, and they did not disappoint.
Well, first, he choppered in to his own press conference, aboard Trump Force One, a helicopter with his name on it in giant letters, 'cause I guess he loses it a lot. Trump's made Obama's citizenship the tentpole of his Presidential ambition. I imagine he's eating gold-dipped crow on this one.
DONALD TRUMP: Today I'm very proud of myself ... I am really proud, I am really honored ... I feel I've accomplished something really really important, and I'm honored by it. OK.
(scattered audience booing)
Wow. That is the hardest I've ever seen Trump be on himself. I mean, if you look at the general range of his critical self-assessment meter, that is way below his average ranking, "I saw my face in a piece of toast."
JASON JONES: Jon, this is NOT over, OK? It can't be. If this birther issue were to disappear, America would find itself dangerously close to peak bullshit.
STEWART: Peak bullshit?
JONES: Mm. This birther bullshit is the kind of fuel that the 24-hour news machines run on! Brown gold! Texas turds! Poo juice! We can't give up on this gusher so easily.
And sure, sure, Obama claims his father was black, but is that man there even his father? Again, we turn to the so-called long-form birth certificate.
Stanley??? Does that mean she was a dude? Obama had two dads? Which one was his biological father? At this point, we can't be certain who this man's parents are, which means I have no proof he's even a black man! He could be white, and if that's the case, I don't understand why we're questioning his legitimacy.
Videos and transcripts below the fold.
By the way, welcome to hour 16 of our continuing coverage of the massive news today out of Washington, D.C. President Barack Obama has released a copy of his long-form birth certificate. I repeat for those just tuning in, the current President of the United States, who, after being born in the United States, and becoming that country's President, has released the non-legally required version of the legally required birth certificate he had previously released, thus... let's just roll the open.
Ladies and gentlemen, at 9:02 East Coast Elitist Time, Barack Obama released a copy of his long-form birth certificate, sending 24-hour news organizations into DefChyron1, breaking out their emergency hexaboxanal coverage, and generally causing a news-eleptic seizure.
MARTHA MACCALLUM, FOX NEWS: This is a Fox News alert. We start with new reaction to a very dramatic day.
CONTESSA BREWER, MSNBC: Birther bombshell!
BILL HEMMER, FOX NEWS: Who knew this would happen today?
RICHARD LOO, MSNBC: ... big news of the day ...
CAROL COSTELLO, CNN: ... stunning news ...
CHUCK TODD, MSNBC: It's an extraordinary moment ... shocking and surreal ...
DAN LOTHIAN, CNN: We throw this word bombshell around quite a bit, but this really was a bombshell.
Yeah, uh, I don't want to nitpick, but wouldn't the bombshell have been him not being from America? Isn't this one more of a non-shell? In fact, like, if he had come out and said, "I have lady parts" like that, but this is kind of a non-shell, not a.... Native-born American President Barack Obama even took to the podium to once again express his sad disappointment in all of our behavior.
BARACK OBAMA: And I know that there's going to be a segment of people for which no matter what we put out, this issue will not be put to rest. But I'm speaking to the vast majority of the American people, as well as to the press. We do not have time for this kind of silliness. We've got better stuff to do. I've got better stuff to do.
He's a busy man, he's a busy serious man.
CONTESSA BREWER: We are watching live pictures of President Obama and Mrs. Obama, as they board the plane. They're headed for Chicago today, taping an interview with Oprah Winfrey.
What?? You're going to tape an interview with Oprah Winfrey?? What were you doing wasting time talking to the press?? Oprah's waiting, you should have left last night!
So that's our actual President's reaction to this controversy. How did our cooler funner President react? Well, first, he choppered in to his own press conference, aboard Trump Force One, a helicopter with his name on it in giant letters, 'cause I guess he loses it a lot. Trump's made Obama's citizenship the tentpole of his Presidential ambition. I imagine he's eating gold-dipped crow on this one.
DONALD TRUMP: Today I'm very proud of myself ... I am really proud, I am really honored ... I feel I've accomplished something really really important, and I'm honored by it. OK.
(scattered audience booing)
Wow. That is the hardest I've ever seen Trump be on himself. I mean, if you look at the general range of his critical self-assessment meter, that is way below his average ranking, "I saw my face in a piece of toast."
"I saw my face in a piece of toast. That is for a limited time available for pilgrimages at my new Atlantic City casino, the Trump Trump Trump. The Trump Trump Trump, where Trumpers go, to Trump."
Can I say this? I pray this man runs for President.. Watch this next bit at his press conference.
REPORTER: You said yesterday, you said two weeks ago, we hear that it's missing. Before that you said, you wouldn't believe what my investigators on the ground are saying. Do the people in this country now need to doubt the information you're being given? Uh, were you making this up? Where did this information come from?
DONALD TRUMP: No, I think what you're going to see... first, we have to look at the certificate, but I am really happy that this has finally taken place, because we have some issues that are unbelievably really important.
REPORTER: But you didn't answer my question, sir. You said we....
DONALD TRUMP: I think I did. No, I did answer your question.
I don't think so. I think, uh, he asked a question, and then you said some words. I'm not sure that counts.
Dude, that was amazing. What he did was to not answer that guy's question is like, it takes such dexterity. Do you know what I mean? To make a complex dodge like that look simple, it takes a combination of real artistry and engineering. I mean, Trump's working with nearly nothing here.
He's got a couple of truth fibers. He's got to cover a whole press conference with it. He's got to stretch the truth out.
He's got to twist it around, almost folding out known reality back on itself...
... to give the illusion there's something there, when in actuality, what's there is nothing!
There's nothing there! Absolutely zero! What's actually there is a grotesque contorted simulacrum of a normal... uh, I'm talking about his hair, is what I'm talking about. It's very... I really think I love this man.
So, here we are with all of our questions answered.
FOX NEWS LADY: Now that the long-form birth certificate is out, is this over?
RICHARD LOO, MSNBC: Will the mainstream media stop covering these kinds of issues?
JON SCOTT, FOX NEWS: Is the issue of the President's birth over or not?
CHUCK TODD, MSNBC: Does this get enough where the mainstream media stops covering it?
STUART VARNEY, FOX NEWS: Does that lay this entire issue to rest?
MARTHA MACCALLUM, FOX NEWS: Is this over? Is it done?
CONTESSA BREWER, MSNBC: Can we please be done with this?
CAROL COSTELLO, CNN: Will that put all of this to rest? And that's what we're going to talk about right now.
YOU'RE IN CHARGE OF THAT!!! You don't have to... And join us this weekend for a two-hour special.
JON STEWART: For more on this, we're joined by Jason Jones. Jason?
JASON JONES: Jon, this is NOT over, OK? It can't be. If this birther issue were to disappear, America would find itself dangerously close to peak bullshit.
STEWART: Peak bullshit?
JONES: Mm. This birther bullshit is the kind of fuel that the 24-hour news machines run on! Brown gold! Texas turds! Poo juice! We can't give up on this gusher so easily.
STEWART: But, but, this well has been tapped. I thought the long-form was the definitive proof that everyone was looking for?
JONES: Tapped, Jon? Where 's the longer form? All right? Where's the longest form?
STEWART: So, what do you want, a birth scroll?
JONES: Yes! I want to talk to the babies who were in the same nursery as him. Why don't they remember him? If Obama's really from Hawaii, why doesn't he surf and hang out with Dog the Bounty Hunter? Why can't I taste the blood from Obama's umbilical cord?
STEWART: That is the most ridiculous and disgusting...
JONES: Barack Obama could put this whole thing to rest by just releasing the cord blood. Where's the blood, Jon? The placential embryonic stem cell-rich...
STEWART: All right, Jason, you really need to let this go.
JONES: No! No! We need this bullshit, Jon! We can't allow this country to become reliant on foreign sources of bullshit, like this.
MSNBC: We have more coming up for you. Prince William is said to be extremely nervous, and the jittery bride-to-be is said to be having a recurring nightmare of being naked at the altar of her own wedding.
STEWART: What? So what's wrong with that? That was some very fine serviceable bullshit!
JONES: Yes, yes. But come Saturday, that turd mine shuts down, OK? Tapped out, plundered, dry as a... umbilical cord left out in the Kenyan sun.
STEWART: I get it. So what are our options? Jason, the birther bullshit is tapped. Foreign bullshit is unreliable. What...?
JONES: Drill, baby, drill! DRILL, BABY, DRILL!!
DONALD TRUMP: He was a terrible student when he went to Occidental. ... I don't know why he doesn't release his record. Why doesn't he release his Occidental records? ... He then gets to Columbia. He then gets to Harvard. ... How'd he get into Harvard if you're not a good student?
JONES: I pray that man runs for President.
STEWART: Did you see his chopper?
JONES: Oh, I saw his chopper. It's awesome.
STEWART: Jason Jones, everybody. We'll be right back.
I'm sure you know, I don't have to tell you that you are here on a momentous night. I believe that tonight will go down as one of the days in U.S. history, because this morning, Barack Obama finally released his long-form birth certificate!
And folks, I think we'll all remember where we were when we learned the President of the United States... is the President of the United States. Anyway, I'm just glad we can finally put to rest the crazy fringe idea that this will end the controversy. Remember, they released the short form in 2008. It didn't stop the controversy then. We demanded the long-form!
LOU DOBBS (1/26/2010): Why don't you simply turn over the long-form birth certificate and be done with the issue?
STATE REP. BOB WAGNER, R-MT (2/15/2011): A certificate of live birth is different than a long-form birth certificate.
STATE REP. CARL SEEL, R-AZ (4/15/2011): ... a long-form birth certificate ...
GUY ON FOX NEWS (4/16/2011): ... a long-form birth certificate ...
MONICA CROWLEY (4/12/2011): ... the real long-form birth certificate ...
OK, this is the long-form they released today. It is actually shorter than the short-form!
Mr. President... you can actually hide it behind the short-form! Where's the long-form? Ooh, there it is! We demand a foot-long form! It only costs $5. Plus, I realize this is just a printout, so I went to the original online, and where's the raised seal? I can't feel it at all! And most damning of all, if this document here, if this really is from 1961, why is there not a single mention of Ed Sullivan? He was huge! And where's the stain from the delivering doctor's martini?
And, folks, we wouldn't even have this much, if it weren't for Republican Presidential frontrunner, and owner of the world's only Möbius toupée, Donald Trump. This man got it done! But of course, he was humble in victory.
DONALD TRUMP: Today I'm very proud of myself, because I've accomplished something that nobody else has been able to accomplish ... I am really honored, frankly, to have played such a big role ... I am really proud, I am really honored ... so I feel I've accomplished something really really important, and I'm honored by it.
Wow. He was so honored, he forgot to plug his TV show.
DONALD TRUMP: I have a show called Celebrity Apprentice.
Nailed it! Truly the master! I bow before you, sir. And why was Trump so honored by himself?
DONALD TRUMP: I am really happy that this has finally taken place, because we have some issues that are unbelievably important.
Thank you. Now let's get to the issues.
DONALD TRUMP: The word is, according to what I've read, that he was a terrible student when he went to Occidental. He then gets to Columbia. He then gets to Harvard. ... How'd he get into Harvard if you're not a good student? ... But I don't know why he doesn't release his records. Why doesn't he release his Occidental records?
Yes, release his Occidental records. Release his high school records. Why won't Barack Obama release his elementary school report cards? We need to know if he played well with others. Did he bring gum to class, and if so, did he bring enough for everyone? I certainly hope not, because that would be socialism.
And folks, just look at this picture of young Barack Obama trick-or-treating.
Where's the receipt for that costume? If he can't show it, we're going to have to assume that he is actually a pirate. And what about his book, Dreams from My Father? How did he get those dreams from his father? Did he steal them? Was it a gift? Did he pay the taxes on them? Again, where is the paperwork? And in the book, Obama claims he had a Dr. J poster on his bedroom wall. But where is Dr. J's medical degree in thunder-dunkology? And sure, sure, Obama claims his father was black, but is that man there even his father? Again, we turn to the so-called long-form birth certificate.
Stanley??? Does that mean she was a dude? Obama had two dads? Which one was his biological father? At this point, we can't be certain who this man's parents are, which means I have no proof he's even a black man! He could be white, and if that's the case, I don't understand why we're questioning his legitimacy.
The Daily Show also sent John Oliver to Britain to cover the royal wedding. Jon also had on Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-VT), which ended up also going into extended time. See it here in two parts.
Part 1
Part 2